Just something of an update. I had an extended session with the C I have been seeing on Friday. We actually went way overtime because we hit so many things that were like enlightenment to me. We talked about how little investment my W has actually put into our marriage. Examples? I cannot remember a single card, gift or any other kind of aknowledgement from her for our anniversary in 14 years. I have bought cards, flowers, gifts, set up dinners and nothing ever back the other way. Her excuse has always been that with kids and school, blah blah that she couldn't even remember the day of the week. My C's response? Ok, then why didn't she ever apologize and make it up a few days later? My C's conclusion? Our marriage has never been important enough for W to make special days like our anniversary...special. WOW! Talk about a revelation! I can count the number of dates set up by W, special evenings or anything else W ever did to make our marriage stronger or give us time together without running out of fingers (probably on one hand, lol). We talked about a time before we were even married that I asked W about previous experience and she was evasive and would not answer the question. C's conclusion was that I was not important enough to W for her to be honest with me. Even if it was all about her own shame for a checkered past, I deserved honesty and W could not get past her own issues enough to make honesty to me a priority.
I don't know.....does this sound familiar to any other sitches? B4? Tom? The love of my life does not sparkle so brightly anymore. Its time to start changing directions I think.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
I have found that the w over compensates for the illness with cards.. gifts and things.. so I am no help on that one, rhoch. Not usually with me though.. but with other people.. for me it is just sort of a plain thing.
One year she "thought" I really liked the group Queen... so she bought me a CD.. well.. her prior OM liked Queen apparently so.. ? You get the picture !
OK all, I have a whole new twist as of this evening. W has been staying here so she can finish school and get a decent job. She is in her last semester taking her last two classes. She came home this evening in tears, thinking she failed a test in one of those classes this afternoon. She already failed the first test and if she fails this class cannot graduate. Not to mention that the class isn't offered again until fall. Now this is the same woman who has a 3.5 GPA and is an Dean's List student. Can anyone say self-sabotage? Now we will likely get to do the depression part in a big way all over again. Geez what a mess.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
I don't remember if I wrote it before, but I found out that in both of my W's previous marriages, the husbands were actually the petitioners for the divorce. I have now had two therapists tell me that that is not at all surprising even though she claims to have left those marriages herself. Her pattern is to decide she wants out then stick around making life more unbearable a little at a time until the H has enough and says "I quit too". That way she can claim it was a mutual decision and not have to take any responsibility for it.
I have repeatedly said that I WILL NOT play that game and file first but I wonder now if she will take this more and more to the kids. She knows my line in the sand is if I start to see an impact on them and I am wondering if she will get desperate at some point and start crossing that line. I guess on the plus side it would give me more ammunition in a custody dispute but I would hope it doesn't come to that.
Emotional/mental illness is wonderful isn't it?
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
i guess the mental illness your talking about is depression. i think my wife has dealt with that as well after losing her father very suddenly in july. she is very negative about everything that has anything to do with me. it sucks but she seems to have taken all her anger out on me.
she seems to be softening now she has been pretty nice lately which in the beginning would have been impossible to believe but she still really shoes no signs of wanting to make it work.
Yes, she's been through some depression issues too but the personality disorder is the ultimate kicker. Its so much harder to treat someone when the illness is part of who they are. I am not even sure I know the real person who I have thought of as my W and the love of my life for 14 years.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
i don't know my wife. she is a serial masker. she had a terrible upbringing with alocholic parents, was abused by a step father, her mom left the family multiple times, and now her dad died the one person she really trusted. she hides behind a huge smile.
A rough morning this morning. No particular reason for it, just woke up this morning with that pit in my stomach and the knot in my chest. Nothing this weekend was different, W even stayed home and didn't go out for the second weekend in a row so I don't know why I feel all the anxiety this morning.
How is it that we think we are handling the situation and are adjusting pretty welland then have a morning that it all hits hard out of the blue? I've been doing this to some degree now for almost 18 months. Simply said, it sucks.
Stand up for what is right, even if you are standing alone.
Sorry to hear you're hurting, I know about that. It is very weird to do well one day and bad the next, with no apparent reason. It might be your subconscious has figured something out that hasn't filtered through to your conscious yet. I read something somewhere that said anxiety is really an inconsistency between your conscious and subsconcious.
Sorry, I didn't see your question of the 13th. My experience with that was fairly normal. I'd get cards and gifts and even a huge surprise 40th b-day party that took her months to arrange. My only issue was around sex, where she knew it was special to me but had too much "stuff" around it to be really comfortable giving much that way. She mentioned that she feels she must have some childhood issues with that, but has decided that she really doesn't want to deal with it.
I did, however, have some issues with getting her to want to really work on the M. As I think back her attitude tended to be: you're not ever going to change (even though I would suggest going, although I would suspect my thinking was most of the problem was hers) and so didn't think it was worth it. It wasn't like she didn't try, and sometimes the effort was there, but I think her limited relationship tool set made it hard for her to improve anything. She really has a hard time getting along with anyone. It will be interesting to see how she does going forward. I suspect similar issues will crop up for her again.
built4speed My Saga "How others deal with the gifts you've given is not your decision, but theirs." - Richard Bach
