It sounds like you've gained a lot of insight about yourself and it's making a difference in your R. That's great! I remember you mentioning being adopted and your feelings about that, so you've likely stumbled on a big piece of the puzzle.
How did you figure this out?
Good question. All the pieces of insight that went into it would be much too long for a post, so here's the short version.
When my son was in the hospital, and even after he went home, he really wanted his mom. When I tucked him in that night, he sat up after I left and waited for his mom to tuck him in. I don't remember who said it, but the real key to discovery isn't the "Eureka" moment, but the "hey, that's weird" moment... something you didn't expect that gets you very interested and provides an essential clue.
Normal people want their moms when they're hurt. I don't remember ever wanting my mom like that when I was hurt (well, she'd do if no one else was around, unless she was bitching about something). Then I reflected that typically the person I would want would be whoever I was romantically interested in at the time (and I routinely got romantically interested in one girl or another long before I knew anything about sex). And that started me thinking that normal people want their mothers for most of the things that I spent my life looking for in a girlfriend and wife. But without the controlling and the punishment and the threats. Maybe I was looking for more of an idealized older sister... all that nurturing and caretaking and unconditional acceptance and whatnot, plus a "partner in crime" aspect, an "us against the world" and especially against Mom and Dad. And young and attractive. And lots of sex. Still kind of messed up, if you think about it.
(If my actual sister reads this, she'll probably never want to meet me)
At any rate, another thing that led to this insight was that I'd get vaguely frustrated and agitated when I'd read the stuff on this board and other places about how the man is supposed to lead the woman, the woman won't want to have sex with you unless you're strong and secure, she'll see your insecurities and mercilessly cut you off and eventually dump you if you don't get rid of them, and so on. Again, it finally resolved itself into my mind that my idea of the woman I wanted was that mother figure that would be my rock, my person to lean on who would take care of me. And want to have sex with me. Now I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm not likely to ever find a woman like that, and (hopefully) getting to the point where I don't need a woman like that.
I'm not completely sure how I feel about the adoption. I alternate between being frustrated that my relatives are so well hidden from me and a desire to put it out of my mind and not be the kind of person that dwells on things like that. The truth is I think about them all the time and I almost never come out and admit to people I know that I'm thinking about them at all. And I'm a bit envious of normal people that know their brothers and sisters and can talk to them all they want (I know there's plenty of people that don't like their brothers and sisters, though; I guess I've still got an idealized picture of a sibling, never having met mine or having any adopted ones).
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 05/18/0707:10 PM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
