I feel like the hunchback in 300. I'm trying to stand but I just can't get that shield high enough.
Had to talk to W reference some financial things; bills and such that I need her to take care of if she has time.
She sounded down as well. I know this isn't easy for her by any means. She was sniffling some and we all know what out S sounds like when they have been or are crying yet trying not to let you know they are.
I only asked if she was okay, conciously putting myself in friend mode. This is how I would treat a friend, ask and then listen if they choose to say something or leave it alone if they don't feel like it. She said nothing was bothering her, just allergies or something. Okie dokie.
I had a weird breakdown earlier. I was going to the bathroom, (I know, TMI but I gotta journal somewhere), and there is a co-worker next to me, I turn and start to flush the urinal when something about his shirt reminded me of my D9s softball shirt and the picture she just put on her myspace of her in her uniform ready to rock the local softball scene.
I freakin started crying. Where the heck did that come from? I saw the shoes and it hit me like a baseball bat in the gut, her world will be turned upside down because of this crap. She is so content, just being a kid and while she might know that mom and dad argue sometimes, she has no idea how dramatically things could change if W goes through with this.
Fortunately he was cool about it, just asked if I was okay, he was kind of stunned, I said yeah man. He asked if it was related to things at home, I said yup. He just said, "we all go through it, you'll be okay, there is a lot of tail out there for a guy like you to chase".
Laughed a bit, got myself together and went back to the office.
What a ride. I can't believe I let myself break. It's got to be from not sleeping, eating and taking care of myself properly. I'm injured as well, have been since January. That is messing with my head as well, waiting to see if I will need surgery, going to physical therapy, not to sound like a total baby but I'm in pain most of the day that I am awake because of this injury. I can't do a lot of the things that keep me feeling like me. I'm stuck working at a desk until I'm cleared from the injury. I can't do any of the sports I love, I can shoot hoops with my kids, or ride bikes, but even that has to be wussed down or I will aggravate the injury. That's just a boatload of fun for my kids. We had a great snowboarding trip planned for after the SuperBowl, we had to cancel because the kids didn't want to go if I couldn't participate and there was no way I could, my knee was swollen 5 inches bigger than the other one at that point. We had other things planned for warm weather but same thing again, they don't want to go if I can't play. I told them I am more than happy to watch but they said it's just not the same and they will feel bad for me. It's cool that they are sensitive/nice like that, but I really wish they would just go, I'm content to watch, shoot I could watch them have fun all day, it lifts me to see them happy. Anyhooo, that is a totally separate issue, I think.
I'm reading through frank_d's thread where Sven, COG and Frank are talking about unconditional love. I guess that is the challenge facing me now.
One side of me says, I won't leave until I get a court order telling me to leave. I will be there for everything humanly possible involving my kids. I'll set up a cot in the basement, sleep on the floor of one of the kids rooms, whatever it takes to give her the 'separated' feeling she believes that she needs. I can't allow their world to be smashed because of this. I won't be abused but I would willingly sleep in the garage if that is what it would take to make this work and for my kids to be okay.
