Afterall..... This IS my life IV for heatherg

[heatherg]

Thank you so much for giving me some input....I appreciate everyone's posts.

One of the things that really stood out at me as I read the posts was Blackfoot's comments that I have become too much like him. I agree that I need to dig deep and be me and I think I've made progress with that over the last few months. This last outburst was a result of intense hurt, which as you know, turns to anger almost instantaneously and because his response was so unexpected, I lost it in front of him.

I've been journaling a little and here's a summary of how I feel right now:

I think the most important purpose of trying for another year was to give us each time to assess what we want out of our M, to consider what is at stake and decide what we are willing to contribute to a new R. I've really put my heart back out there and I've tried really hard to show H how I feel. I let my hope for our future get out of hand when I saw what I thought was a drastic change on his behalf for the betterment of our M. When I thought he made a change of his own free will based on my feelings (right Eddy?) then I started to feel cared for by him again and I was able to let me feelings flow and start becoming more emotionally invested in our R. My fear about staying for the remainder of the year is that I won't be as emotionally 'out there' because he has damaged my trust with another lie and my disappointment is damn near overwhelming. I'm afraid that we will go back to living in a very strained environment and that is so stressful and hurtful...not very beneficial to a new R to say the least and extremely detrimental to my state of mind and his too I'm sure.
What I've been thinking about telling H:

I'm scared that if I don't give you ultimatums, you won't understand what is at stake and I'm afraid you won't step up the way I need you to. But one of the most important things I've learned is that you need to make your own decisions. I can't forget that is what this year was suppposed to be about. So, I'm not leaving and I'm sorry that I announced we were over. That is a decision we make together, through the choices we make over the remaining part of this year. With that being said, I have no idea where to go from here because I'm very hurt.