Brain firing on most cylinders today. I rode the bike yesterday, since a pulled muscle in my arm and a popping in my knees convinced me to lay off the weights for a while. Either it's a coincidence, or I really need lots of cardio in my workouts.
Stands to reason, I guess... work the heart, heart pumps more blood to the brain, brain works better. My wife's trainer had said that weight training boosts your metabolism long-term, but I guess not by as much as cardio boosts it short-term.
(She admitted that the trainer is "cute" and "nice", but denies even being tempted to jump the fence. Except when she's deliberately talking about him to get a rise out of me. Or so she claims. Anyway, that trainer is an excellent reason, as if I needed more reasons, to stay at the top of my game.)
Hap, I'm sorry I don't know how you can turn my past self, or your present husband, around. Some manage to get the message through by being ready to walk out the door... unfortunately, before they'll even face the fact that they might have to leave, they often have to get to the point where they're not ready to walk back in if the other person responds.
I've never gone into business for myself... the very thought of it scares the hell out of me. It might scare him too. Lou talks about it sometimes; the way you have to perform all the time lest your customers desert you. It's very easy to put on the back burner - and lose track of - other things in your life, especially ones that seem to depend on success in the business arena, or that seem more secure than a small business.
(How's that for rambling?)
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
A minor emergency came up the other day; one of the kids needed to go to the emergency room "just in case".
She said "I really appreciate you being here with me". She didn't need me; she could have handled it herself, and the kid mostly wanted his mom (I suppose that's what normal kids are like when they're hurt), so I was taken aback for a moment. What good was I doing by tagging along?
Well, I was being calm. Joking with the kid, keeping him awake, even though he was rolling his eyes at me most of the time. I knew he wasn't in serious danger; I'd gone through the same thing at his age. I wasn't worried or angry about missing work. I was in a good mood; not callously so, but simply with the attitude that we could deal with whatever came up. And that was precisely what she needed. Not the bundle of nervous energy worrying about every little thing.
I was her rock. It was a lot of fun, to tell the truth, even though we weren't exactly doing something enjoyable. Why didn't I try this a long time ago? And it's amazing how well it worked, and how quickly she picked up on my attitude and drew strength and serenity from it. A woman is like a Motie Mediator. If she can see you, she can read you. If she can hear you, she can read you. If she can read anything you've written, she can read you. If she can see anything you've done, she can read you. There's no sense even trying to hide your emotions or your attitude around her... she'll see it. You've got to be the person you want her to see, inside and out, and let her respond to it. It can be unnerving to be under her microscope like that... or it can be an exciting opportunity to be your best self around someone that totally gets and appreciates it.
You don't have to be a "meathead" to be her rock, her "alpha male". You don't have to give up any of your intelligence or even your weird interests and habits. You just have to give up your insecurities and your resentments. Those things don't do you any good anyway.
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 05/18/0703:09 PM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
FWIW, I also truly appreciate it when my H is there when something happens with our son. This past summer we thought our son had injured his arm, broken it perhaps....turned out to be nurse maids elbow though. Really there wasn't anything my H could do to help, our son wanted Mommy....I "could" handle things on my own...BUT it was so nice to see him coming through those emergency room doors!!!
Yeah, I could handle things....but it was the fact that he wanted to be there with us, that he was showing support for his family, for us that really meant something to me. It was the fact that yeah, I could have taken care of it alone...but he chose to participate and to be there so I didn't have to do it alone. Stuff like that means the world!
A woman is like a Motie Mediator. If she can see you, she can read you. If she can hear you, she can read you. If she can read anything you've written, she can read you. If she can see anything you've done, she can read you. There's no sense even trying to hide your emotions or your attitude around her... she'll see it. You've got to be the person you want her to see, inside and out, and let her respond to it. It can be unnerving to be under her microscope like that... or it can be an exciting opportunity to be your best self around someone that totally gets and appreciates it.
You don't have to be a "meathead" to be her rock, her "alpha male". You don't have to give up any of your intelligence or even your weird interests and habits. You just have to give up your insecurities and your resentments. Those things don't do you any good anyway.
CE, I don't know what a Motie Mediator is, but still, all I can say is WOW! This is good.
I just had some mildly disturbing thoughts about myself. Well, I'm not all that disturbed by them, but I guess a normal person would be.
I've got some weird variation of the Madonna/Whore syndrome. I've been looking for a woman to "mother" me and have sex with me, to nurture me with her body as well as her heart.
It's not too surprising that I've had a lot of trouble in my younger years finding takers for that role. Well, it's not too surprising knowing what I've learned over the past couple of years, but it kept frustrating the hell out of me at the time. I guess that's what happens to guys like Mr. Heywyre & Mr. GEL when another piece is missing and "incest" is more of a theoretical concept than a visceral revulsion.
Anyway, every time I found someone that seemed interested in me, I'd (figuratively) grab hold of her and try to get from her what normal people look to their mothers for. Patient, caring understanding, knowing just what to do to fix my shortcomings or love me in spite of them and loving me no matter how down on myself I get or how poorly the rest of humanity treats me. Kissing away my hurts and my bad moods and my insecurities. Endless forgiveness, positive reinforcement, and loving training and instruction on how to deal with life, and cheering me on for every milestone I reach. Patting me on the head while I followed her around like a puppy. And giving me lots of hot sex because she loves me.
Gee, the question isn't why was my wife so frustrated with me all these years. The real question is why was she ever willing to have sex with me? Some might say that she had to be seriously messed up in the head to be willing to have sex with a person like I was. If so, I don't see it. At any rate, there's a good reason she didn't seem all that enthusiastic about it, even though she was prone to feeling frustrated and neglected when she went without it for a long time, and even though she said with a straight face that she enjoyed it.
I still find myself looking to provoke "mothering" behavior from women that I encounter. And I've been able to become more attractive to my wife mainly by switching from the "Please take care of me!" vibe to the "Look what I can do!" vibe, which seems to be good enough for her for the time being.
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 05/18/0705:16 PM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
A woman is like a Motie Mediator. If she can see you, she can read you. If she can hear you, she can read you. If she can read anything you've written, she can read you. If she can see anything you've done, she can read you. There's no sense even trying to hide your emotions or your attitude around her... she'll see it. You've got to be the person you want her to see, inside and out, and let her respond to it. It can be unnerving to be under her microscope like that... or it can be an exciting opportunity to be your best self around someone that totally gets and appreciates it.
You don't have to be a "meathead" to be her rock, her "alpha male". You don't have to give up any of your intelligence or even your weird interests and habits. You just have to give up your insecurities and your resentments. Those things don't do you any good anyway.
CE, I don't know what a Motie Mediator is, but still, all I can say is WOW! This is good.
I have been lurking around here for a few weeks and gaining a LOT of good info - this particular one brought me out of the woodwork - I just cut and pasted those exact words into my computer journal where I keep snippets of wisdom that I don't want to lose. I have found some of the most profound words of wisdom here, and this place is becoming a real addiction, but thank you all for so openly sharing your pain and your processes. I sure have a lot to learn..... Thank you again, I will come out of lurk mode as soon as I figure out how to put my sitch in perspective and figure out exactly where I am in this journey.... But just had to comment on this, maybe I can trust my own radar after all....
Well, assuming you're a woman, don't expect to be able to read his thoughts or his plans right out of his brain, but you've likely got a very good view of his mental state, his attitude, and his emotions.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
It sounds like you've gained a lot of insight about yourself and it's making a difference in your R. That's great! I remember you mentioning being adopted and your feelings about that, so you've likely stumbled on a big piece of the puzzle.
It sounds like you've gained a lot of insight about yourself and it's making a difference in your R. That's great! I remember you mentioning being adopted and your feelings about that, so you've likely stumbled on a big piece of the puzzle.
How did you figure this out?
Good question. All the pieces of insight that went into it would be much too long for a post, so here's the short version.
When my son was in the hospital, and even after he went home, he really wanted his mom. When I tucked him in that night, he sat up after I left and waited for his mom to tuck him in. I don't remember who said it, but the real key to discovery isn't the "Eureka" moment, but the "hey, that's weird" moment... something you didn't expect that gets you very interested and provides an essential clue.
Normal people want their moms when they're hurt. I don't remember ever wanting my mom like that when I was hurt (well, she'd do if no one else was around, unless she was bitching about something). Then I reflected that typically the person I would want would be whoever I was romantically interested in at the time (and I routinely got romantically interested in one girl or another long before I knew anything about sex). And that started me thinking that normal people want their mothers for most of the things that I spent my life looking for in a girlfriend and wife. But without the controlling and the punishment and the threats. Maybe I was looking for more of an idealized older sister... all that nurturing and caretaking and unconditional acceptance and whatnot, plus a "partner in crime" aspect, an "us against the world" and especially against Mom and Dad. And young and attractive. And lots of sex. Still kind of messed up, if you think about it.
(If my actual sister reads this, she'll probably never want to meet me)
At any rate, another thing that led to this insight was that I'd get vaguely frustrated and agitated when I'd read the stuff on this board and other places about how the man is supposed to lead the woman, the woman won't want to have sex with you unless you're strong and secure, she'll see your insecurities and mercilessly cut you off and eventually dump you if you don't get rid of them, and so on. Again, it finally resolved itself into my mind that my idea of the woman I wanted was that mother figure that would be my rock, my person to lean on who would take care of me. And want to have sex with me. Now I'm coming to terms with the fact that I'm not likely to ever find a woman like that, and (hopefully) getting to the point where I don't need a woman like that.
I'm not completely sure how I feel about the adoption. I alternate between being frustrated that my relatives are so well hidden from me and a desire to put it out of my mind and not be the kind of person that dwells on things like that. The truth is I think about them all the time and I almost never come out and admit to people I know that I'm thinking about them at all. And I'm a bit envious of normal people that know their brothers and sisters and can talk to them all they want (I know there's plenty of people that don't like their brothers and sisters, though; I guess I've still got an idealized picture of a sibling, never having met mine or having any adopted ones).
Last edited by Crazy Eddie; 05/18/0707:10 PM.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
Now I sometimes wonder if perhaps I did unwittingly meet my sister... and marry her.
No, we don't look alike. And I know for a fact her mom did not give me, or anyone else, up for adoption. But her dad was routinely "out all night" and her mom is known to have had at least one affair... either of them could have unwittingly helped produce me or my half-sibling. Now it's been observed that siblings separated by adoption are sometimes intensely attracted to each other when they meet later in life. And looking back, I must have been reeking of woman repellent when I met my wife, and yet she (unlike the rest of humanity) could not keep her hands off of me.
Well, if it turns out to be true, it's too late to worry about it now. We've already had all the kids we want. We'd just get fixed and keep our mouths shut.
a fine and enviable madness, this delusion that all questions have answers, and nothing is beyond the reach of a strong left arm.
