Its been a while since i posted an update, and a lot has happened.
Last week, my wife was in a bad mood and when i asked her if everything was okay she let me know what was bothering her. She said she was frustrated, and that she didn't feel like she had the power to do anything about our situation. And that she didn't control the money.
I told her i guess i can understand, but its not like she doesn't have full access to all the accounts.
Either way, i realized it wasn't about that very soon, as she got mad at me.. She told me she hated me, and totally broke down into a rage, she said "your so f**** perfect right now. Its like you are running around trying to get everyone on your side, you have to be the good guy. I hate you." I didn't get defensive, I just said "i'm sorry that you feel that way, and that you think thats what i'm doing". I also added, my behavior isn't about you right now, what i'm doing is for me.
I don't know how to explain how much that hurt to hear. All this time I have stood by as she told me she didn't love me in that way anymore, that she wanted out, that i would have to see my kids only part time, that she had strong feelings for someone else, hearing that she felt safe with him, and that she was happy with him. All i have done is try to love her. I have tried to understand her feelings, and love her.
Anyways, i figured out what was bothering her that day. Apparently when she used to confide in her friends and family about our relationship in the past she was "unhappy" and everyone supported her as I was the "unattentive husband". They all understood and let her know that "its hard to not have those feelings for your husband".
But now that she is opening up to people that she is in a new relationship, she is getting the opposite reaction. People are telling her she is making a big mistake, that she needs to work on her relationship, that she is handling this very badly right now. They tell her that this guy is no good, that he obviously is not a good guy or he wouldn't do this to someones family. One of her aunts even let her know that she thinks he is evil and he is after her money.
Now all these people did the same thing in the past, most of the women in her family have had affairs and left their husbands (i know I should have taken that as a red flag, but I loved her - not her family). Anyways, she is angry that when they did it, she supported them, but now that she is doing it no one is supporting her.
BOO HOO...
I think she is realizing that the fantasy life she has in her mind isn't going to play out as smoothly as she thought. No one is accepting of her new man, becuase no matter how she frames it, its an affair, its disrepctful of her kids. She can no longer sell the fact that we are breaking up for any other reasons. Even though I know the affair didn't cause the breakup of the marriage, the affair is stopping her from being able to try to fix the marriage.
So she is frustrated.. She wants to start her new fantasy life, and she is realizing that its not that easy. She wants to seperate, but she doesn't want to move into an apartment. She wants to buy a new place. -- Well i talked to my lawyer, and she said that you shouldn't do that right now as it complicates things greatly, and that I would own half of it. So in her mind she wants to start her new life in a new house of her own, with her furniture, and the freedom to be happy and open with her new relationship. And unfortunately it can't happen that way.
Anyways.. You would think that this would make me angry, but instead it kind of has freed me. In some strange way, it has made it easier to unconditionally love her. I don't feel like she controls me anymore. I'm not scared of whatever she does, if we seperate I know I can handle it. I love her, i would love to work on us, but i know that if she isn't willing that I can be okay.
Funny thing is with this attitude, I have been able to better realize the things she needs.
