I am a little torn on whether to confront the OM or get into counseling ASAP. I think the OM is not the real issue, and I think the “fog” or excitement of the OM is not the issue. The real problem is her FOO, which she is now admitting. The only way to seal the door on the OM is for your W to realize what she is doing and why, and therefore why she does not need this other guy.
Usually that is VERY difficult to do, but in the span of only a few days, you have got her to open up and start talking about some serious issues, all without anger on her part. I think it is extremely important that this open communication continue. If she gets mad, shuts down and runs, you will have a tough time, since she is naturally an avoider.
I think things are moving along quite nicely and much faster than I would have guessed. I think you should help her understand her confusion, which is natural. She is confused because she does not know herself and has been hiding from the world all these years. The way to help her see herself is to do exactly as you have been doing, let her watch you understand yourself and lay out your issues, fears, vulnerabilities, faults, etc. That will turn on the light for her. This other, younger man is nothing now than a source of giddy emotion for her. I stand by my prior comments and will guess that he is nothing more than an idiot, maybe a shrewd, manipulating idiot, but nothing to match the honesty, self assuredness (yes, you have shown great confidence) and maturity you have been displaying.
Her connection to your family is her vulnerability and you do need to capitalize on it. So she feels guilty if you bring up the kids and the family security. She should! I also bet she feels guilty because she may have experienced similar things in her childhood. If so, there’s another tool for you. She was once the victim of parents who did not support her or build her confidence, and now she is doing things to create anxiety in her kids, so she has become the perpetrator. That will make her feel guilty too, as it should!
When she says she does not like to talk about things, read that as code that she wants you to guide her through what bothers her, but she is too scared to do it herself. If she really did not want to talk about it she would not have brought it up and she would walk away when you mentioned it. Remember Happy Giant’s W? That was a woman who was really scared, so scared she could not and would not even think about her FOO.
Just be sure to address your issues so she cannot turn her guilt onto you and justify her continued affair. I like what Blackfoot says, that she believes her version of the truth. I would even go so far as to bet the OM believes he is doing the right thing too, in his warped version of the truth. That is the way it is when dysfunctional people are involved. Get a good counselor ASAP. One who is experienced and willing to explore FOO issues, in addition marriage issues.
Your W is looking to you for guidance, security and support. If she was so tied in to this OM, there is no way she would have talked to you for so long. She was in her “comfort” zone in her little setup with the OM. She is now seeing that was not so, and she is in a slight panic, trying to see who she should trust, you or the OM. I see the increased text massages and phone calls as evidence that you are stirring up a lot of thoughts in her, and as a possible sign of panic in the OM. After all, he’s just a dumb, inexperienced kid who made a really stupid mistake. Don’t panic over him, just set him straight. I’m curious to see how Nop recommends you do this. My only advice regarding that is to think about whether you should make her too mad, not out of concern that she is mad, but for the damage that could do to the communication that is going on right now.
