We all have the same fears. None of us want to think of being all alone and starting over. I started dating my H when I was 19 also, with a few breaks here and there. We married when I was 23. So we have been together more than half of our lives. It is just so amazing how they can walk away from that many years and not to mention our children. Like Cadesmom said there is definitely a part of us who want to tell them to get lost because of the cheating and hurt they have caused us. But this little thing called love and committment get in the way! We definitely have to put it in God's hands, that is my daily prayer.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
I also dated my wife from the time I was 20 years old. She is the only woman i have ever truly loved.
I definately had to do some soul searching to better understand my feelings because of this fact. Was i just scared of the future, or did i truly love her. Seems like something you should just know inside, but after being on this rollercoaster for so long you start doubting things you used to just know as fact.
Well i'm still here because i realized I'm less scared these days, but my heart still aches for her. I love her.
It also got easier to love her unconditionally once my fear started to lessen. My fear of being alone, the fear of losing all my dreams, and the fear of my family being shattered: these are all still real fears, but they don't control me like they once did.
Next, I think that I am getting to the point where I nolonger fear being alone. I know that I will always have my girls and have the ability to control my own happiness. I do fear what growing up in a broken home is going to do to my girls. That is a painful thought for me. I can easily get depressed if I let my mind go there. I have had to put my dreams aside and cannot think about anything except the here and now. I am doing my best to love my W unconditionally. She is still in the house, who knows for how much longer, so I try to do things for her without doing things for her. I hope that makes sense.
It makes complete sense. I think you have the right attitude. loving her unconditionally does not mean giving into whatever she wants, its doing things that help her grow as a person, that help her be the best she can be.
It's complicated at times like this, but i know I have had plenty of opportunities to do this, as i'm sure you have too. Even things as simple as listening to her feelings and trying to understand her at times like this is something only a man who loves his wife unselfishly can do. At some point it becomes less about getting our wives back, and more about being true to ourselves. They don't need to love us back for us to love them.
Remember, if you can unconditionally love a woman who would do this to you, carry that attitude into all your relationships. You are going to make a better father, a better son, a better friend, and a better husband to someone (hopefully your now-wife) in the future.
That love for your family will help your girls through this.
I was able to listen to her feelings earlier on in our sitch, now I get stone walled. She is not willing to share much of anything with me anymore, but, she is able to live at home currently. I am just sitting back and waiting for another opportunity to listen, validate, and not defend myself.
Because of this sitch I have learned about what unconditional love is really about. I have been able to feel it from others trying to support me even though they do not know how. I have really come to appreciate the people in my life that love me unconditionally. No matter how imperfect I maybe they will always love me and my girls. It has provided me some comfort knowing that.
Next, thanks for your thoughts and perspective.
BTW, I am getting a new car. 07 TrailBlazer(silver). Goodbye 96 Taurus, hello leather seats, 4x4, CD player, the list goes on and on..... My W knows that I am looking at buying a new car, but, I do not know how she is going to react when I tell her she needs to start making her own car payments. She could be expecting this she might be pissed. Who knows, Who cares, I am getting a new ride. My girls and I are going to have a nice ride. Maybe this coming winter if my W is nice I'll let her sit on my heated seats. I know this is not a lexus or bmw but I have always had the crap car in our M, now I will have a nice ride. Yipee!!!!
Good for you on the new wheels you deserve something nice for you and your girls.
Isn't it funny how everyone thinks they need to defend themselves even though they have done nothing wrong. I have learned not to do that at all. just walk away if i can not validate what h says.
I never really thought that much about the unconditional love of a person but I have learned that I do love H unconditionally and I live that everyday. I will fight for my marriage but in the end I want him to be happy and that is all that matters to me.(Right now he says he is happy with me and that helps).
I also have some very good friends and family that want me to be happy and they to love me unconditionally they have not tried to steer me one way or another they let me do what I thought was right for me and I appreciate that so much.
Keep up the good work.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
Tonight I am all alone, so what does ERC decide to do. I call up one of my buddies and make plans for a movie or a beer. I would probably prefer going to get a beer, although I don't mind going to see a movie.
My W and 2DD are at my SIL house for the night. Maybe my W is looking for apartments out there tonight since that is were she says she wants to move. Actually my BIL is out of town so my W is keeping SIL company. Before this sitch my SIL probably would have come here for the night.
5D has t-ball tomorrow and I plan on bringing her to she Shrek afterwards. I always like going to the movies with her, halfway through every movie we have ever seen together she sits on my lap to cuddle with her Daddy. I will be disappointed when that stops. I am also going to meet my parents tomorrow for breakfast before t-ball, then we will all head over to the field. Tomorrow night is a surprise b-bay party for one of my good buddies, he turns 30. So my girls and I are going to be heading to that. No plans for Sunday yet, church and then I do not know. I have a bunch of projects that I want to get done around the house so maybe Sunday will be a good day for that.
I should also mention that my Boss has been awesome through this whole mess that I am dealing with. I couldn't ask them to anymore understanding.
I have to admit now that the new car thing is happening I am a bit nervous about having the conversation with my W about her paying for her own car. Am I being paranoid for no reason? This will the first time I have ever told her that she needs to provide for herself. I am thinking about telling her she has two options: 1 - take over the payments with her own money, 2 - pay it off half with her money the other half from our joint account. Or am I being a wuss and should not even give her option number 2?
MC, Your option #2 has gone through my head. The only reason that I do not feel good about it is because of my DD's. I want to make sure that no matter which parent they are with that they are riding in a reliable car. But if she does get hostile I might just go with your option #2.
One of the things that my W told me the other day is rattling around in my head for some reason tonight. Maybe its the two Texas sized beers that I drank maybe not. She said even though this is no more ERC and Mrs.ERC she is still Ms. ERC(I hope this reads ok). I do not know how she can think that she is herself. I do not want to invalidate the feelings that she is having but my W in the past was not immoral, not a liar, not a deciever, not a seductive woman, not a blatent sinner, not disrespectful, not self centered, not ...... I can probably go on. She thinks that she is herself rightnow, I have to say that this is not the woman that I fell in love with. She was none of these things. Now this is who she is, this is who she has become. I want my W back but not until she can ground herself and see that she is decieving herself. I will just love her as best I can from afar.
My suggestion would be if you can not validate do not respond that way there is no confusion.
I think i would try option #1 and if it doesn't go well back up give her time to cool down and then look like the hero and give option #2,as she is still your wife(in alien form) and half of the account is still hers,and at this point she could take it and do something worse.
She thinks she is herself and that this is the way she wants to be but you know her and all you can do right now is wait for her to come back and yes love her from afar.
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
