Duty, love, and attitude

[Crazy Eddie]

I just had some mildly disturbing thoughts about myself. Well, I'm not all that disturbed by them, but I guess a normal person would be.

I've got some weird variation of the Madonna/Whore syndrome. I've been looking for a woman to "mother" me and have sex with me, to nurture me with her body as well as her heart.

It's not too surprising that I've had a lot of trouble in my younger years finding takers for that role. Well, it's not too surprising knowing what I've learned over the past couple of years, but it kept frustrating the hell out of me at the time. I guess that's what happens to guys like Mr. Heywyre & Mr. GEL when another piece is missing and "incest" is more of a theoretical concept than a visceral revulsion.

Anyway, every time I found someone that seemed interested in me, I'd (figuratively) grab hold of her and try to get from her what normal people look to their mothers for. Patient, caring understanding, knowing just what to do to fix my shortcomings or love me in spite of them and loving me no matter how down on myself I get or how poorly the rest of humanity treats me. Kissing away my hurts and my bad moods and my insecurities. Endless forgiveness, positive reinforcement, and loving training and instruction on how to deal with life, and cheering me on for every milestone I reach. Patting me on the head while I followed her around like a puppy. And giving me lots of hot sex because she loves me.

Gee, the question isn't why was my wife so frustrated with me all these years. The real question is why was she ever willing to have sex with me? Some might say that she had to be seriously messed up in the head to be willing to have sex with a person like I was. If so, I don't see it. At any rate, there's a good reason she didn't seem all that enthusiastic about it, even though she was prone to feeling frustrated and neglected when she went without it for a long time, and even though she said with a straight face that she enjoyed it.

I still find myself looking to provoke "mothering" behavior from women that I encounter. And I've been able to become more attractive to my wife mainly by switching from the "Please take care of me!" vibe to the "Look what I can do!" vibe, which seems to be good enough for her for the time being.