What kind of things is she typing to OM? What kind of things is he saying?
Could this possible be a close friendship she has built? Ya know maybe just finally confided in someone about the marital problems she is having? Years is a LONG time to go without feeling desire or love from your spouse. I know it is hard and has been hard for you to. But it just seems like she made all these changes like getting in shape and a tummy tuck during this stage. She may have felt like look I did all this and he doesn't even desire me. I am sure she is confused right now. But don't give up because she may come around. I guess I am asking about OM because I to have a friendship with a male. He is ONLY a friend and that's all. It never goes further then a friendship at all. There is no attraction nothing. I have confided in him and he is someone that I talk to. With all I am going through with my husband I am wondering if this friendship could have bothered him. I asked him and he said no. But maybe he isn't being honest. I am looking to where I could be at fault in my marriage.
Well, the above actually sounds like an EA, but that's my opinion. My H's last EA was "I have a 'friend' who I've been talking to about our M problems and I started liking her." Ok, yeah, the 'liking her' part takes it a step beyond, but IMHO if you are talking to someone of the opposite sex about your M problems, it's inappropriate. I wish H would have just been talking to ME about our M problems, but that was not the case.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I do think it started as only that. I then think it progressed to flirting, and this past week I do believe it has progressed further than that into a full-blown EA. I do not think it's a PA yet, but I could always be wrong, and it doesn't change my course-of-action anyway.
It's hard to decipher the text messages, as it's difficult to see which one of them said what, and which is the reply. It does seem like he's doing all the pursuing, but that she is also encouraging it. I would say the worst ones have been "Do you miss me?", which I'm certain they BOTH said, and "Will I see you Saturday?" (he trains her -- INSERT BAD JOKE HERE).
There's also of course just a lot of what they are BOTH trying to rationalize to themselves as just "emotional support," and encouragement. But I've never met a man yet that didn't want to escalate that, especially if you lead him on, and at THE VERY LEAST, she has led him on, flirted, and not set any boundaries for him.
So I'm assuming the worst. If it turns out better than that, then "gravy."
I honestly thought (and this may be naive on my part) that once I re-opened-up to her, and told her how I really felt, and also made a stand and told her that I was going to fight for her and our marriage and our family . . . that she would "come around." She's done that before, as I think I've written on here recently -- some long-distance internet dalliances, twice in 20 years. She would come to her senses and do the right thing.
I guess I'm in shock that she doesn't seem to be doing the right thing this time -- at least not immediately.
Well, still too early to tell Choco. She may "come to her senses" or she may be thinking, the kids are almost out of the house now, time for me to get that "space" she wants so badly. I can't remember how many kids you have but I know you said you have a hs graduation coming up. It's often those milestones that make parents take their own milestones. My H's father left his mother the day he drove my H off to college. Guess that was the time he was waiting for. Did his job of raising him, got him out of the house, and off his Dad went. Could his mother have done something beforehand? Can't say for sure. But you know your part in this mess Choco. You have been ignoring her comments to you and have admitted many times on this board that you just didn't care what she was thinking/doing. It's been years of that and will be very hard to fix. But you know that. That is also why I stated earlier you need to show a side of yourself that your W has been yearning for. Someone who acts like they care, and not just going through the motions of what you think a "good H" should do. But be REAL with her. If you feel like you don't know if you can take her disrespect any longer, I'd tell her that. She needs to know that you are not going to just back down every time she decides to have "space" from the M. You're doing better. Keep it up. LFL
This is what puzzles me...that 2 assumedly non-mentally impaired adults would carry on this type of communication using a medium that is so easily intercepted by others.
does that say anything? ("wanting" to be caught...? etc...)
or are people just generally numb wrt the electronic footprints we leave about when we use these technologies?
Thanks. I have always related so well to your sitch and your posts (remember when others on the board thought I was Mr. LFL and you were Mrs. Choc.? LOL)
We have four children -- D20, D18, S14, and S10. D20 and D18 are about to move out of the house and share a condo together, and that's been a big part of the "timing" of this whole thing. That and my sister-in-law's death to cervical cancer at age 50 this past Christmas are the two things that my wife mentions as motivating factors for her. She is staring at a mini-empty-nest in two weeks, and it terrifies her, both because of the natural sadness in losing two of her best friends, but also I think because she knows that she's invested intimacy ONLY with her kids the past umpteen years, and now she's about to have a sneak preview of being home alone with just the lonely ol' guy she's been neglecting.
But I do fully acknowledge my role in all of this, and that, as much as anything, is what keeps me up at night. I have been stupid, I have been neglectful, but most of all I have figuratively spat upon the gift that God gave me in Susan.
"Here, Paul -- here is my gift for you. Cherish her and protect her."
I've none neither to the level that He would expect, nor have I been a strong leader in setting boundaries and helping her be accountable to her half of it.
I have kind of wondered about that too. For awhile, my wife was deleting them once she learned now. She may do that again, but yesterday she left them all on there, and hasn't tried overly hard to keep the phone hidden from me.
She's also text-messaged him in the presence of our daughters last weekend, while they were out shopping together, but that seems to have stopped now that I set some boundaries (didn't confront her on OM [altho I've done all but!], but did tell her I would no longer tolerate COMMENTS in front of our Ds that were disrespectful towards me.)
Well, you posted messages here on a website that you actually showed me (or at least you showed me several posts from it) several years ago. You also gave me a book (SSM) that listed the website addy. You also accessed this website on a computer that I also used and I saw "Divorce Busting" pop up in the IE address window.
When you found out I'd been lurking here, you were "horrified" to quote you.
When I asked you whether you were posting here in the hopes of getting "caught" (meaning that I would finally get some sense of what you were going through), you said no that wasn't it.
You said that you never thought I would look on this website. You probably said that because you thought I didn't care.
Choc's wife thought he didn't care. He said here that he didn't care. She BELIEVED he didn't care. Why would someone who doesn't care be looking at her phone log?
Choc's wife thought he didn't care. He said here that he didn't care. She BELIEVED he didn't care. Why would someone who doesn't care be looking at her phone log?
As recently as this past week, before I sent her the "We Need to Talk" e-mail, I think you'd be correct. But after I looked her in the eye yesterday and told her "I will fight to protect my marriage and my family," and after all of my convo of the past 24 hours (where I didn't confront her on OM/EA, but I talk a lot from the perspective as if she is), and ESPECIALLY after how much I told her that I lied and that I really DO care . . . it would be VERY reasonable to assume that I'd check it.
Choc., who still thinks it's kind of a hoot that both the H and the W post on here after each other.
(remember when others on the board thought I was Mr. LFL and you were Mrs. Choc.? LOL)
I am Mrs. Chocolate, everyone knows that. Although I have been really good lately - I only have my decadent chocolate chip muffin once a week now. I cried when I found out there was 730 calories in each one.
Anyways, back to you. So you will still have two younger boys in the house. I wonder if the gender is an influence. I know my H said his Dad felt very "alone" in the house when he left for college. Just his W and sister were in the house now and I guess his Dad couldn't handle having his son gone. Hmmm.... I guess it's hard when any of our kids grow up. Mine are only 7 and 5, so I have a ways to go.
Quote:
But I do fully acknowledge my role in all of this, and that, as much as anything, is what keeps me up at night. I have been stupid, I have been neglectful, but most of all I have figuratively spat upon the gift that God gave me in Susan.
"Here, Paul -- here is my gift for you. Cherish her and protect her."
I've none neither to the level that He would expect, nor have I been a strong leader in setting boundaries and helping her be accountable to her half of it.
Wanna talk about GUILT, try living with THAT
Be careful with the guilt Choco. My H feels Very Guilty about leaving and it is NOT helping our R. I don't want a man who is going to walk on eggshells around me just to keep me around. If anything, it does the opposite. So just be a MAN Choco and ditch the negative feelings. They won't help you in the long run. The most attractive men are the one's that are self-assured, that stand their ground, while at the same time letting the woman know how much she is desired. It's a balancing act for sure. Work on the boundaries Choco. LFL
