No, I'm not doubting his own words. I guess I'm still clinging to the hope that he will be struck with a magic lightning bolt of remorse and empathy. Blech.
He also says he wants our family to be together, that he loves me, that he will never stray again, that he will do A, B, C, D and E. So far he has done A and B, but no C, D or E. He has made significant strides in presence, efforts and communication.
I'm not making excuses. I'm following my gut and trying to do what's best for me and our family.
Aud, Greetings! Just meandering across the tracks now taht I have a little bit of energy to see how you are doing. I can see the question marks from the other side of the tracks and know all too well that feeling! Just a thought....he has been struck with a lightning rod of remorse or he wouldn't be back with you. I don't think you will see signs of the "strike" anytime soon but eventually most likely will. You have followed your gut through this whole process and have not been wrong yet right? I mean even with finding out about the A's and all your "gut" was counseling you. Follow the gut oh wise one! Follow the gut. You are one sweet and strong woman and just know YOU are doing the right thing for all involved...If your H doesnt want to be part of the solution he will let you know.... BTW...I would be a little concerned with this thought of "A" not being a big thing...hopefully the therapist visits will "illuminate" the idea that is a BIG thing. Even in my circumstance I realize what a BIG thing it truly is... My thoughts are with you and hopefully I have given one ounce of what you have provided in my sitch...peace
Thanks Whapu. H is still being a class-A jerk. I will not back down. It's vital that we work through the real issues and not gloss over them. So, I guess it will be a little interesting around here for the next little while.
So, I confronted H about his attitude yesterday and we pretty much cleared the air. He told me to stop assuming and start asking more specific questions about things that concern me (rather than just leave him alone, jump to conclusions and then come after him when I'm ready to explode), as it's just not 'him' to open up and spill every thought that goes through his head. I know that--have to keep reminding myself that I cannot change him. So I'll give it a shot. Can't really hurt to try being more direct with him.
I read a posting today...from Muddle to Sol, and this little bit really jumped out at me:
"Remember, whenever you see another person as holding the power to change and make something right for you, you are ignoring your own power and influence in the situation. You can give her incentive to change (and this is one of the biggest positive relationship changes you can make) through boundaries. If you predetermine what behavior you will accept from your W, and what your response will be if she crosses the line, you will both be in a better place. She will have incentive to change (you're not doing this to change her, you're doing this to ensure you exist in the kind of environment you want to), and you will have peace of mind."
I keep thinking that I'm doing an okay job of DBing--giving it everything I've got, but when it comes down to it, there is always more I can do for myself, new ways of approaching things, and only by focusing on what I can change will the dynamic of my M change. I can't sit back and think that I've done enough work, because there is always more to do.
It's a bit frightening to be heading down a new path, and hard at times to keep from jumping over to more familiar territory, but if I truly want to be in a new place, it's up to me to keep myself pointed in the right direction.
So I'll give it a shot. Can't really hurt to try being more direct with him.
Aud, Have you read "Men are from Mars and women are from Venus"
This is exactly how 90% of the guys in the world are. I know myself and all of my friends are this way. If you have a problem be direct about it do not make us gusse because if you try..."WE WONT TRY TO FIGURE IT OUT". Most guys like a direct and non-sugar coated approach.
Ben 32 STBXW 29 3 kids (D1,S4,SD8) (1 dog 5months) Status: Fighting for the Kids.
"The only thing we know about future developments is that they will develope."
Yep, read the book--still trying to learn how to implement everything, and in a way that fits with H's personality. I've been working on asking him "will you" questions versus "can you" questions. And I understand the concept of being more direct--just need more practice I guess.
