Still working on happiness

[princess_nic]

RCR - I'm actually laughing even though I'm crying! Yes, it is SO much easier.

I haven't done it yet completely, but I've made some progress.

Right after I posted to Jazz that nothing had changed since we started with the D, except for H getting closer to ow, it suddenly hit me: that is such an obvious escape from thinking about the end of our M. I know b/c I have a strong desire to do exactly the same thing, for all the wrong reasons. This has led to some more insights, which I'll elaborate on in a minute.

The recital last night was okay, nothing exciting happened, I was a little calmer.

Today we had mediation #3. We probably need one or two more meetings and the agreement will be done.

Before going, I prayed the way I used to pray before I saw H:
Lord, use me as your instrument. Let your words speak through my mouth; let my actions be your actions.

I haven't done that in a while, but it really helped. I felt calm going into the meeting. I brought up a contentious issue (splitting of the debt). H got angry and was quite rude, but I stayed calm, and told him that it wasn't necessary for him to speak to me like that. He apologized.

We left together, and he had taken a taxi for some reason, so didn't have his car. There were no cabs around, so I told him I'd drive him down to a bigger street, but ended up driving him to work. At one point, he started to tell me a bit about what's happening at work - a mistake he made. He said, "Hopefully I won't lose my job. That would really screw everything up." And then a tear came out of his eye! This is probably the fourth or fifth time I've seen him cry, all but one have been since he left.

I put my hand over his (red light) and said, "It will be okay" a couple of times. Then I put my hand on the back of his neck and rubbed it. Light changed.

I was happy w/ the way that went b/c last time I touched his hand (after the car accident, just before I found out about the gf), he shook me off. I don't think he wants to talk to her about this problem, so I'm the only one he can talk to.

I made a joke about needing to find a Sugar Daddy to solve my money problems. But then I wrote an email later, thinking about what RCR has done (she says she'll always be married to him, etc). I'll post it later.

We talked about changing visitation a bit. H said he would like to go to every second w/e and have a day during the week with them. He wants to have time w/ them alone, and likes to spend his weekends w/ D-- (gf). He said this so casually; it broke my heart. I just said that it makes sense.

I still love him so much. I keep trying to convince myself that I don't, but I do. I mean nothing to him, or at least, he doesn't want to come back to me.

I know he's feeling something about the D b/c of how upset he got about the money/job thing. Also, I think that might be why he spends so much time w/ gf (one reason anyway) - to forget, not be alone.

I just don't see how this could turn around. Almost certainly, it won't before the D is final.

I will post my email to him.