I wanted to give you a quick warning about some advice you got here:
Originally Posted By: osu43130
W: Blah Blah Blah blah Blah You are a Blah bla lah and dont care about me Blah blah blah. Sol: I am sorry you feel that way. I did not intend to ever hurt you. However, I do not feel that this is the right time to talk about this.
This statement has been a point of contention between my W and me. It sounds to her like I'm saying "I have no responsibility in your feeling that way", which comes across as smug, detached, uncaring. I have read in a couple of books where this sort of statement is advised as a step towards empathy and away from enmeshment. Her feelings are hers, and you are not responsible for them, nor is any action/reaction required of you. Perhaps you could communicate this same sentiment acknowledging her feeling (or empathizing - saying "I would feel XYZ in this situation, so I can really understand why you're feeling ABC") without discounting them, even if it's done subtly. "I'm sorry you feel that way" might imply that her feelings are bad, or that they're a problem - that there's something wrong with her. There's not, she's feeling a human feeling. You're human too - if you choose to connect on that level, to look for the similarities, the points of connection, you'll be able to better empathize with her, she'll feel heard, and you'll get along better, regardless what your relationship is at that point. I think that's worth striving for.
I agree with Joyful that you are pointing fingers to avoid facing your own stuff. The drama stirred up in this thread also seems to serve as a smokescreen. Remember, whenever you see another person as holding the power to change and make something right for you, you are ignoring your own power and influence in the situation. You can give her incentive to change (and this is one of the biggest positive relationship changes you can make) through boundaries. If you predetermine what behavior you will accept from your W, and what your response will be if she crosses the line, you will both be in a better place. She will have incentive to change (you're not doing this to change her, you're doing this to ensure you exist in the kind of environment you want to), and you will have peace of mind.
I don't think you should worry about whether you want the marriage or not right now. To me thinking about leaving seems like the ultimate trump card in a power grab. Whoever is on the verge of walking in a relationship has the most power. Do you really want a relationship that's about power? You have power whether you exert it in this way or in a positive, constructive way (even if you choose to leave, you can do so from a positive, constructive place). Try and step out of the power struggle and just connect as humans. You'll both always be humans, whether you're married or not. You have the power to choose to connect, or to see the other as the reason you don't have control or power. What you focus on grows - you get to choose whether you want to focus on your lack of control (over your W and her choices, over the future of your marriage, etc) or on the power you have to grow, to connect, to appreciate, etc.
“No problem can be solved from the same level of consciousness that created it. ” – Albert Einstein
