My heart has been completely torn apart

[I_Surrender]

Thanks very very much for the thoughts and responses.

I thought that things were going well today, starting with last night, when I took my youngest son out to buy her flowers and a mother's day card.
She seemed okay last night and then this morning. I gave her a hug this am, but her response was weak.
I went to give my mom a card and flowers this am, came back home and asked her if she wanted to go out, went to the mall I got a hair cut, then we went for a walk. That turned sour very quickly.
She has a lot of pent up anger, and blames me for everything.

I sat her down and asked her, didn't she consider that when she had the PA? Still she is mad that I "caused" all of this.

I am going to stay the course and be level and nice as I can. She is infuriated that I went to our GP for an STD test.

I hope very much that counselling helps her. I sent her a dozen red roses and a card for our 24 th anniversary which should arrive at her work tomorrow morning.

I regretted that today, since she was such a B about our relationship and kids.

To heck with it, I am going to take the high road as much as I can. It will hopefully help me learn to forgive her and myself, sooner and begin to heal faster.

Darn it really looks bad, she is such an angry person, I can't break that down.

[I_Surrender]

Well Monday at work, is much better than last week. I made an appt. with a new counselor for Weds. I need someone a little more empathetic to help me get over this betrayal and aide me with my coping skills.

When any man finds out what a B she is really, she won't be living with anyone very long.

I went through an emotional range , before Friday afternoon, I was 90% for D, then after our chat I was 70% for, then after Sunday I was back to 90% for again.

I feel that I need someone much more loving to me, to be with, if ever I consider entering into a relationship again.

The things that she said about her own daughter this weekend were so disturbing. I can't fathom a parent having this much animosity toward their child (even if she is an adult.)
I am actually sad for her, instead of mad at her.

I am still going to take my time, and not rush. I realize that the healing in my heart is beginning to take place, already. I have begun to forgive myself and her. That does not mean acceptance, but it does mean I can begin to let go of harmful emotions.

I am mentally making a plan of action (GAL) for myself, and have started thinking of what divorce could possibly bring financially.

[I_Surrender]

I hope very much that counselling helps her. I sent her a dozen red roses and a card for our 24 th anniversary which should arrive at her work tomorrow morning.

I regretted that today, since she was such a B about our relationship and kids.

Hmmm, so today I got a phone call from W thanking me for the flowers. I was still p/o'd from yesterday, so I was a little short with her.

She went to counselling this afternoon.

I did not come home directly and planned on arriving just before bed.

She phoned me and asked me to come home and talk.

I prepared for the worst. Instead her marriage counsellor told her that she could tell that I loved her a lot, and that she should not give up. In turn W phoned her best girl-friend and admitted to the PA (wow!)

We had a very long talk. I expressed what I needed from her comittment wise, to our marriage, that I would have difficult moments.

She told me that she needed more emotional closeness from me. I said that I would do that, regardless of if we were together or not, as I recognise that I am not perfect, and know that it will make me a better person, whether we are together or not.

There is more, but I am so surprised that this has changed for the positive.

[Astimegoeson]

Hey Surrender,

It's good to hear this positive development in your situation. I hope you two can work it out. Just be cautious not to expect to much to soon and be patient with her.

[I_Surrender]

I am not really sure about how I feel about this. Obviously it is a positive step. I feel some apprehension in opening my heart too much or possibly getting my hopes up. I can be patient, but W has a lot more of the work to do here.
I hope that she can do it.
Guarded optimism best describes how I feel.

I might sense a chance that I will get hurt again.

I also feel a danger in getting my hopes up.

I plan on continuing to see a counselor. I almost feel that I need a advocate, because I am a sensitive guy, that I may allow our relationship to go back the way it was in some areas without being firm on the key issues for me.

I need this assurance and commitment at some point.

I suppose this is step one away from being on the brink of divorce.

I wonder, is there something wrong with me? I should be feeling a lot happier, shouldn't I?

[Concerned_Listener]

IS,
Glad to hear about the discussion between you and your W. All the things you're saying sound correct. Realistic expectations will be a key.

CL

[I_Surrender]

I have begun to feel the ups and downs of the situation, which we have to deal with. I started out the day okay, now I am feeling depressed, angry and hurt.

I think to myself, "how can I accept this?" "how can I lower the standards for her, which I have held for myself, all my life?"

I told my wife, yesterday, that when she was pregnant, I was coaching swimming. I had, what seemed like countless girls flirting with me, to the extent where I was put in quite dangerous situations.

I never did anything. I considered that to be abhorrent and colossally disrespectful to her and myself, had I had a relationship with any of those girls. Though I know married men that would not only jump at the chance, but give their left arm to be placed in a situation where young women are literally throwing themselves at the coach.

So again I ask myself how I can change the standards for her, that I choose to live by myself?

I know that there are many of you are in situations, more difficult and complex than mine. I cannot say what I would do given those situations, however I believe ultimately I have to be true to myself.

I had a moment of anger today, where I thought I would email the OM, or "better yet" contact the HR department at their work and get him fired, or begin to put on the heat.

It harkens back to the first EA she was having with another coworker. My daughter, who discovered the email, was going to have "friends" go kick the $h^t out of the OM.

I don't know, I should get some vigorous exercise to burn off these negative emotional feelings. I can understand how easily these situations can turn violent with a bad combination of personality, drugs, alcohol etc.

[Dr LOve]

I_Surrender


Hold off on the OM. I know exactly how you feel I have the same power right now. I CAN bring his world to a grinding Holt. BUT…………… This would surly end any chance resolving the problems in my M. I too feel the same way. I have had opportunities to be the OM but I am MARRIED. See my sitch is a little different or then again I may be justifying my W actions a little. Ya see the OM was her BF before we got married so it’s not like they have not had sex before. Now this does not make it right but I do think this was a factor in my W’s fog warped mine that made it a little easier for her. He on the other hand probably told his wife she was going out of state to see a friend. Ya see I love my wife dearly, she IS beautiful in my eyes but in the real world she needs to lose about 80 pounds. She is not the kind of woman guys would take a second look at. So that is why I think this guy is just being a player.

I am holding off my contact with the OM card close to my chest. It may be revenge but if in the end my family is trashed I will be taking a little trip to Washington. Maybe stop by the store he works and drop off some photo’s meet the OM wife for coffee.

See now ya got me doing it. Hold off!! contact will only make your job harder if your really want to save your marriage.
Beside if the W and I do work things out. Some day the W and I make take a vacation in Washington and stop and look at some garden furnisher if ya know what I mean….

H

[Astimegoeson]

I might sense a chance that I will get hurt again.

I also feel a danger in getting my hopes up.

You seem to be approaching this in a smart manner. Guarded optimism is what you should be feeling precisely for those reasons you mention. I know I've been burned by an overly optimistic interruption of events. It took me a while to learn how to temper my expectations. Those up and down emotions your feeling are the rollercoaster you hear about on here. I went through it, I think most of us understand the concept. It's normal considering your circumstances.

Let the situation develop on it's own accord. Don't try to orchestrate an outcome. Be in a position to take advantage of any opportunity, but also be careful to protect yourself from anything that could hurt you. That's the mistake I made in the beginning, and it slowed down my progress, but you seem to have a good grasp on it.

[I_Surrender]

Weds I went to a introductory session with a new counselor. I wish I had a full session, as I revisited my anger issues. I desperately need some coping skills or an outlet.

Yesterday, I was emotional again. I needed some comfort and support. W seemed distant. It was a day, where I wonder if this is going to actually work.

We picked up a book her (our previous) counselor recommended to her ("after the affair")

I don't know today I just feel like going home from work and climbing back into bed.

W wants to go away for the long weekend. I am not certain. Should I, when I don't feel like it? Will it be a missed opportunity? If I am going through this emotional roller coaster, will it be destructive?