W wanted to talk last night. I didn't, but she insisted. W said, "how many nights did you keep me up because you just had to talk".
She had me there, I haven't done that in a long time but she is right so I figured what the heck.
Basically, W doesn't want to try, period. Just the thought of trying, saying that she will try one more time, makes her physically ill, causes her to become anxious, desperate and sick. That I want this because it works for me, as long as I'm okay it's fine but she won't be okay, she won't make it, she will probably have to drink everyday if she can make it at all. Most likely she won't survive it. Simply can't do it.
The kids will be okay. It's worse for them now. That is where I broke. Thinking about what they will go through if she has her way simply wrecks me. I asked her if she actually heard herself, does she really believe that them having to move, losing their rooms, their home, their friends, neighborhood, all of that, how could that be better for them? Flipping their world upside down is better? W said there is no way its better for them as it is. I shouldn't have but I told her, 'listen, I know everyday that you don't love me, want to be with me. You pride yourself on how you don't just say that stuff to me but you don't have to, it's evident. You go out of your way to take care of people, if someone has a headache you'll offer to rub their neck or whatever to help them feel better. You can't even ask me how my day was, you could give a [censored]. When I got hurt at work, you never once offered to help me, or see if there was something you could do to make me feel better. You never even asked how my physical therapy was coming along or anything to do with it. Everybody else, including the kids would ask or try to help. Not you. If that would have been anyone else, you would have been all over it. So for you to think that I want this to work out because its just fine for me is way off base. I get nothing from you, you don't even want to go out to a movie with me, you spend all your time with someone else, you make your plans to do things with someone else. Where in here am I getting what I want? How in this am I fine? I'm not, but I'm willing to put myself aside, to suck it up and drive on for the sake of my kids and the life that they have now. I'm willing to gamble on your feelings changing, knowing full well that I could do this for a year, 5 or 10 years and you still could file for D. Yet I still have to do it for the possibility that my kids and us can be whole."
Her response was, "fine, you're better than me, just keep telling yourself that, tell everyone else too".
Of course there was the mandatory, I don't want to be with you physically, emotionally, socially, when are you just going to accept it, blah, blah, blah.
W said she had been talking to our pastor's wife. W was trying to explain things to PW and PW said, "basically it sounds like you don't want to allow yourself to feel vulnerable with him?" W said that was exactly right, she didn't trust me with her. W said there is no way that, if W were to lay it all out for the pastor and pastoral staff to see, that they wouldn't agree that we need to "make a decision". Meaning, pursue the D.
I went to our church website this morning and read through all the ask the pastor questions regarding D. Every time, he recommends counseling. He talks about how God hates divorce but it is okay in certain circumstances. Even then, he recommends a separation period, to allow things to cool off, while going to MC to see if things can be reconciled.
I want to call her and ask her to go to MC, even if/with the separation, if for no other reason than that is what our church leadership would probably recommend. W is part of the worship team, leads in worship and is featured in solos and specials. Surely for no other reason, I would want think W would at least do what they ask, if only to say she did.
