I think rather than always worrying and being hung-up on the trust thing, you need to keep in mind these things can and do happen (and can happen again!) so you always need to be strong and independent enough that if it does occur you know you'll make it through.
Sure it would be painful to go through again, but life can be painful. Anyone can die in a car accident tomorrow, or go through some other calmity. I think the main thing is to appreciate what is good now and those good things in the past, work through the hard stuff and just do the best you can. Have a life, friends, family and take the time to do the little things that bring contentment. Never depend on any one person to provide happiness (like spouses), but appreciate what they do bring... life always changes (for good and bad) and that's one thing you can trust!!!
There is no arriving, ever. It is all a continual becoming.
it's been a while since I've been here, things are alright, hit a major road bump the other day. I'll spare you the gory details, but all in all I became unglued again because H isnt' as loving as *I* want him to be. That's what I get from being away from here too long LoL, I forget the nuggets I learned "encourage the baby steps" "do not get hung up on your S to be happy, do not put all that weight on his/her shoulders" "do not bring old stuff back (OP related)" -I thought about doing it but I didnt fail in this last part.
Mean things were said, we had our first shouting session since... he came back. But I'll give him credit, in the end he did reach out to me. He did tell me, yet again, that he still sees sex as a potential weapon I might use as I did in the past (withholding when angry) and that he doesnt' want to loose control again, he says it is mostly about control and not because he doesnt' find me attractive or anything. Of course it doesnt' help that his new job is really demanding, he has to get up at the wee hrs and by the end of the week he is totally beat up and tired, so has no energy left. He believes his drive isnt' as it used to be, he thinks it might be the lack of sleep and him getting older (his performance is great and he is only 30 ! ) but I'm thinking, this is how he feels, and the mind rules the body, thus he is just not into it as much as me.
He tells me each time I bring this lack of affection issue he feels even more ackward and doesn't help him any into doing what I'm asking, that the way I'm asking creates an adverse result (him not being affectionate) I've asked him nicely, patiently, but he says he just feels forced and that I must be asking it in the wrong way or something.
We finally agreed on seeing the C again, well, him, he says he prob should talk to someone about the thoughts he has in the back of his mind. Because of the mini blow up I had (the beginning of this post) he says he now is a bit on edge, wondering when I'm going to go "off " on him again . SIGH, back a few miles, again...
I did over react, I tried to acknowledge all the great progress we've had, but in the end the damage was done, and this kind of episodes back up his mistrust theories about me. I told him that because we both feel ackward that we should take a break from each other physically for 2 weeks, so that he doesn't feel pressured with me until we both cool off. He wasn't totally against nor pro the idea, but agreed.
Maybe I did wrong, but again, I didnt' want to feel like I had the clock ticking on him, I didnt' want to put my hopes up and him still feeling bad about our meltdown.
Boy, I felt so hopeless for a while, I need to dust off my DB cheat sheet... thanks for listening.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Reading your story actually gives me a great deal of hope, setbacks and all. It just must be nice to have him home and feel some sort of control over what happens next. Your husband seems really open to discussing/improving upon the relationship and that is a refreshing change from other stories I have seen on the site.
I just started posting yesterday but wanted to thank you for sharing your insight and keeping us up-to-date on how your situation is progressing.
Thank you for checking in on me yesterday. I'm completely understanding the steps-forward-steps-backward, and the fear that any conflict will just upset the cart completely. You are doing a fabulous job--Love ya!
I think CAT were kind of on the same page R wise. For the first time in awhile I tried to "nudge" a little on the I issue. No ground was gained, but it wasn't as tense either. I did however have a really tough time shutting my mind down and going to bed afterwards. Yep, not my favorite time to handle things, but it happens when it does.
hey gang, hope today is a better day than yesterday for all))))))
Phoenix, give "mars and venus on the bedroom" a try, it's got excellent advice, was too shy to check it out at my library LoL, but I've learned lots there.
Be not afraid...I will repay you for the years the locusts have eaten Joel2
30something 2kids survivor of S, MLC, A, D I have peace in my heart, at last.
Cat, Time for me to give you my wise words of advice. A few key things I've learned throughout my journey with H.
First, as uncomfortable as fights are, they are necessary. Things come out, which at the end of the day is a good thing. Fighting is part of Rs in general and people can't always keep their anger bottled up inside. Don't beat yourself up over the fight. My H and I ahve had a few since he's been back, and it usually brings something else out that we realize we need to work on.
Think of it this way, if it wasn't for the fight, you wouldn't be taking the step of going back to C.
Not sure about your whole history on the sex topic, but here's my big learning. H finally realized a few months ago, with his C, how important sex was to him. He approached me with this realization and said that he felt that I always try to avoid sex, and he just gives up and stops asking. Then he's in a bad mood and thinks about beign elsewhere.
I explained to him that for women, sex is about intimacy and communication and affection. So, waht I did was I started it. I started initiating. I would send him sexy text messages. As a result, he got more affectionate and loving. And that, in turn, would make me feel more in the mood for sex.
But there are times that I literally need to foroce myself into it, knowing that it really does make a different with him.
So, that aspect has improved dramatically, but it took a consious effort on my part.
Men need sex to feel loving. Women need to feel loving to want sex. It's a catch 22.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
He approached me with this realization and said that he felt that I always try to avoid sex, and he just gives up and stops asking. Then he's in a bad mood and thinks about beign elsewhere.
My H and I had the same problem... I did used to avoid sex. Or had sex and was not adding any Passion. I agree with PS at times I needed to fake my way thru it and then H was nicer, happier , calmer. It was like I was saying a Big ILY when I would initiate and want him. And just recently I have been alot stonger and do not think @ "ow" all the time and let my self be the sensual ,sexual being my H actualy needs. Not wants,,,NEEDS!!!! ... he needs it to feel like I love him and need him and want him and desire him. I look at like this now,, he needs my love ( SEX )not OH God he wants to have sex and I feel x, y or z and can't.He wants me to ML to him and I ALONE can do that and make him feel loved noone else,, HOW NICE! Take care sweetie.. God bless....
Yup! And I think it takes an amazing amount of strength for us to correct thsi issue in our M. I mean, how hard is it to be intimate and completely let go and get into the sex thing when we know our H has been with someone else. But the fact is, it's a necessary part of rebuilding... as uncomfortable or scary it may feel for us. That's what I tell myself when I let those thoughts creep in.
Frankly, I used to view sex as an extra in a M.... something that isn't a necessity. MISTAKE. It is a necessity. That shift in mindset was a big move for me.
Married 9 years Kids 5 and 6 Bomb 2006 H back and forth for a year M now back on track
Alamari and PS you girls have learned something that most are still learning. I wish my W would have picked up on this a long time ago. She would then realize how important she is to me, how her actions can make or break a R and have better control over the general mood of the house. If you are to feel as one with your spouse and be able to face things as a team, you have to "be one".
So often it is said, if you want your H to be the man you want, then make him feel the most important thing in your life. In response, he will try to do the things (hell or high water) that you have told him is important in your life. For me, I'm an in and out shopper. But if my wife wants to shop, I'm there for the long haul. If there is a close, unified feeling there, heck I'll go till dinner. In fact some of my best memories are Christmas shopping with W.
W made the comment to me once that I went into high gear in chores and things when I wanted S. She didn't see that I was trying to do the things that seem important to her, so that she would know that she was most important to me. Of course W had to take the negative, "men are scum, everyone is against me", spin on everything to justify her sour attitude. Now, however, the kids have given up on trying to do things that would make her happy and somedays, so do I.
So as you girls have learned, take care of the basics and the rest will follow.
