Wow you sure are going thru alot right now and how strong you are is also evident. Keep positive as hard as it is and keep thinking of a positive outcome. MY H went thru the same things...
TREMENDOUS GUILT....
1.HOW CAN I BE SO MEAN TO HER
2.I FEEL SORRY FOR HER
3.ACCEPTING CALLS WHEN HE REALLY NO LONGER WANTED TO FOR THE SAME REASON
4.NOT KNOWING HE WAS HURTING ME BY THINKING OF HER HURT AND ACTING AS IF I WAS NOT HURT BY THIS
5.KEEPING HER PICTURE IN HIS PHONE EVEN AFTER RECONCILE AND AND TM AND VM TOO ( A REAL LONG MESSAGE SHE LEFT @ MISSING HIM )
6. HE STILL HAS TATTOO OF HER NAME WHICH HE HAS MADE SEVERAL ATTEMTPS TO "COVER" BUT HE HASN'T YET, IT IS ONHIS CHEST "ABOVE HIS HEART"

and yes you either tolerate it or you set boundaries . OT is right.
For me aside from the ROLLERCOASTER that Piecing still is. This TRANSITION,, WAS THE HARDEST FOR ME! Seeing the light at the end of the Tunnel but not being able to feel it on my face. And boy did he say some cruel things! ( w/o intentionally trying to be cruel things)...
hE EVEN accepted her sending a pic or two and save them of her and she sent it of her Tattoo with his name and it is in a spot that cannot be seen if you are clothed. UUUUUUUUGGGGGGGGGGH.
I must say that just this past month he has really started to WARM UP. And I feel comfortable enough to feel and allow myself to see this as real and genuine and we are 10 months into RECONCILIATION.
You are doing everything you canto save yourself and this M too. You should feel proud of yourself and strap yourself in so to speak,,, for the strength you wil need to keep going. There were days when I wanted to give up too, and I felt I couldnt take it anymore... and the stronger and calmer I stayed ( while venting here Thank God !!!!!) the better it was.
I still remember the morning I wanted to just blow up erupt lke a VOLCANO and tell him no more of this and I cant take this CAKE EATING anymore and that nite he told me he loved me and wanted us to love eachother for a very long time.

I MAY BE WRONG BUT YOU HAVE TO FOLLOW THEIR PACE AND CANNOT FORCE THINGS THEY HAVE TO FEEL LIKE THEY ARE MAKING THE CHOICES.
I WANTED TO FORCE my h TO CHANGE AND HURRY UP AND LEAVE HER ALONE TO EASE MY PAIN AND IT WASN'T GOING TO BE THAT WAY,, \:\(
Keep positve and keep smiling.... JUST MY 2 CENTS HOPE IT HELPED YOU SOME.

GOD BLESS.