Thank you all for your words of encouragement and advice this morning. An update:
Mrs. Choc. and I ended up talking last nite for about 2 hours. We talked about a LOT.
She talks a lot about the expectations that she feels are put on her, and how people "put her on a pedestal." That she's "not as good as everyone thinks I am," stuff like that. This goes back to when she was a CHILD, even, and has continued and she feels like her parents and me, mainly, "make her out to be better than she is." It scared me a little, and certainly concerned me, that she feels this way -- that she's not a good person. (Remember, I had given her a Valentine's Day card, and wrote something really nice in it, and she said "You make me sound better than I am.") It's almost like she has this self-sabotage wish whereby she longs for something that she KNOWS is stupid, impetuous, and dangerous, just so she can show everyone "see? I'm not the person you thought I was," and bring herself back down to mere mortality so she can live her normal life in peace without so many expectations.
She said she feels smothered, that she's constantly being questioned about where she's going, when she's going to be home, who is she getting text messages from (apparently the kids have noticed that -- great), etc. In fairness, our kids -- esp. the girls -- DO constantly call us when we're out, with unimportant questions about when we're going to be home, etc., something that I often admonish them for but Susan has always said "I always want my children to feel like they can call me."
We talked a LOT about this wall that she puts up around her, and if she knows why she does it. Why she pushes me away, not just sexually and not even just affection-wise, but even emotionally. She says it's a defense mechanism, to which I said "What is it you feel you need to DEFEND yourself from with me?" Hmmm -- I'd never asked her THAT one before. She tried to think about it, but said she didn't know. I asked her specifically if she's afraid I will either hurt her or leave her, and she emphatically said "no," and I told her I just don't understand then. That I "get it" if a spouse feels like the other spouse has one foot on the platform and the other on the train, that they may feel this need to "hedge their bets," emotionally, and not fully invest themselves into the relationship, but she says she doesn't feel that's it with me.
I shared with her, more fully than I EVER have in the past 20 years ... without being mean or beating her over the head with it, but using words like "this is how it makes me feel" and all of that... the intense hurt that I have felt from her rejection.
She's confused.
And she does NOT like to talk about things, esp. BIG things. Big, UNPLEASANT things. She says it scares her, and that "I don't like to dwell on things that make me sad."
In short, SHE HAS ISSUES. Issues that go WAY beyond me, but that are obviously affecting me, our marriage, and our family. She is still willing to see MC, but I still don't think she's sincere in wanting that to SOLVE anything, but more to relieve her guilty conscience so she can say she tried.
I don't know why she does this, but it sure has taken its toll on our marriage, and on me.
I did not tell her that I knew about the cell phone or text messages, but I sure targeted my conversation as if I did.
