Yes, I'm learning how to have patience. It's not easy, but it is getting easier every day.
I have thought about shaving off the beard... it might be a good change. I joined the gym and have been working out. Since all of this started, I've lost 23-25 lbs. Down to the low 180's. I do feel better and have more energy.
I think it's hard to understand why the begging, pleading, etc doesn't work at first. I know it took me a while. I blamed myself for everything. Now, that emotions are under control, I can see why the begging doesn't work. Calling friends/family doesn't work. .... I guess I had to try it to understand why it didn't work.
Lately, I've been thinking about what I was like before I met my wife. I had confidence in myself. I could make decisions. I knew what I wanted. I had a future. I didn't beg. I had values that I didn't compromise. I'm starting to see that person reappear. And that's the person that my wife fell in love with, not the person that she broke up with.
I really miss my wife, but I know that I'm getting stronger and better everyday. I'm becoming "happy" with myself. I hope she'll see it, but if she never sees it I know that I'll be a better person for the next relationship. And more importantly, I'll be a better "me".
BTW, I am still frustrated, mad, hurt, but it's not "hopeless". Before, I was hopeless and had no sense of future. I now have hope for "me". (that's different from trying to put all my hope in my relationship.)
I probably need to go back and re-read the DR & SSM books -- may be able to "understand" it better now.
Definitely read the books again. It can only hope. And you are at an awesome point. Just know that sometimes that confidence will lag a bit, but just keep it up. Keep working on you. That's the whole point, I think, getting back to that person that they fell in love with and not so dependent on them.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I definitely don't think that your W is having or immediately planning an affair based on the evidence you have presented. However, some things about your situation aren't computing with me so I have a couple questions. I apologize if you already covered these points and I missed it.
1) Is your wife infertile?
2) What is your financial situation relative to your wife? Who makes or has more money? Has this changed recently?
3) When you turned your wife down for sex in the past (assuming that she did attempt to initiate fairly often) what reason or reasons did you typically give for not wanting to be sexual?
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
1) Maybe. Some doctors have said yes, others have said there isn't a problem. One doctor said that she had Polycystic ovary syndrome (PCOS), which can cause infertility. Lately, she has blamed me for us not having kids. I can accept part of the blame, but not 100%.
2) Before I started my own company I made 2x her salary. Now days we're about equal. Turn down in the economy, 9/11, trying to adopt and it not working after a year, depression, etc have not helped my business/finances.
3) When she initiated, it was more of a demand. "We haven't had sex in x months. .... " "I'm going to bed are you going with me?" Often when I did try to respond, she was already mad or said it was too late at night.
True, I didn't initiate very much and I should have.
As far as "reasons" from me... Too tired. Just ate a big mexican meal and felt bloated. Can we do it tomorrow?
I knew she wasn't leaving you "just" for the sex and that she wasn't having an affair when you posted that she had gained quite a bit of weight since your break-up. Rule of thumb for a woman having an affair is that she does stuff like start waxing her legs NOT gaining weight. She almost certainly has left you because she wants to have a child. Being childless she probably transferred some of her maternal feelings to you and therefore it has been difficult for her to make the break. If her fertility is marginal the fact that you went "months" without having sex with her probably did infuriate her. Also, she may have been saddened by the fact that her sense of her femininity was being threatened both by the fact that she wasn't a mother and the fact that you didn't find her sexually desirable. She has gained weight since your breakup because she is dysfunctionally "mothering" herself by overeating for comfort. If she is old enough to be near her last chance for a baby that will be the issue she will concern herself with before her sexuality. She doesn't want you to know where she will be living because she sees you as some sort of threat to her ability to nest, perhaps just because she has the tendency to infantalize you in a way that depletes the emotional energy she could give to the task of having a real baby.
"Tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?" - Mary Oliver
Interesting. PCOS causes women to be overweight, so that could be part of the weight gain. I have a friend with PCOS who exercises religiously and tries to stay fairly low-carb, and she says she struggles to keep her weight down.
I'm also curious about your W's diagnosis, because I dealt with infertility myself. Who diagnosed her? Her ob/gyn or a fertility specialist? Is she being treated?
How old is she? If she's 40-ish then she is running out of time and could be feeling desperate to have a baby. So if you haven't been having sex frequently, then she could be very resentful toward you as Mojo said. A woman's fertility starts dropping off in her 30s.
Also, my H (cac4) just reminded me that women with PCOS have higher levels of testosterone than normal, so that could be part of her HD-ness too. Other symptoms of PCOS are difficult periods, facial hair, not ovulating and insulin resistance.
cac said that PCOS is easy to diagnose, so we're curious that one (some) doctors think she's fine. A simple blood test can confirm it, as you probably know.
I agree that she is mad at me for not having sex more and blames the lack of children on me. She is very resentful toward me -- and has said so.
But if children was her primary goal, would she not be "hunting" a new man as fast as she could? She's 40.
I'm not sure who diagnosed her. She has always had difficulty with her weight, difficult periods, facial hair, probably not ovulating and insulin issues.
She has always gone back and forth about kids. Sometimes she wants to have them, sometimes not, sometimes she wants to adopt, etc.... When we tried to adopt, I was the one who did the most the two little girls that lived with us for over a year. She because jealous of them. It was very difficult. At one point the CASA (court appointed special advocate) wanted me to leave my wife and take the kids by myself. It was a hard spot to be in. The CASA had no business doing something like that. I would find it very hard to adopt now days, knowing how the system can treat you. I thought I was doing the right thing and the girls loved me and where happy. I tried to keep everything together, especially my marriage during this time. Eventually, since I would not "choose", they took the girls away from us. Please don't misunderstand me, I think my wife is a very good person. She was in a very difficult position being judged by the CASA and the girls' grandmother. They were two very controlling women and down right mean and difficult to my wife. Looking back on it, I should have sent the girls packing immediately when they started messing with my marriage. But I thought I could make it work.
The funny thing about it all, was that I thought I was doing a good thing for my wife and thought that she wanted me to agree to try to adopt the girls. It was her idea at first and I jumped in and worked hard to make it all work -- for her!!
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MJ, I'm not sure I understand what you mean by your statement:
"perhaps just because she has the tendency to infantalize you in a way that depletes the emotional energy she could give to the task of having a real baby."
Sounds to me like she has real issues with her inadequacies and general low self esteem - I am not saying she truly has any inadequacies and/or low self esteem but she definitely seems to be portraying that (IMHO)
(1) she feels bad about herself in general (weight, etc.) (2) can't get pregnant (so she blames you - easy to blame someone else isn't it?) (3) goes back and forth about wanting and not wanting kids (she probably truly does but doesn't want to disappoint herself and/or you if she can't get pregnant AND she is fearful of not being able to be a good mother (due to the lack of self esteem and the past issues relating to the two girls)
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
