OK Frank - Tell us a little more about #6. I believe at the beginning, we need to give WAS some space and then as you suggest, grow into the couselor role.
I am saying ONLY if she is a lost soul. There are several W's who are just constantly going back and forth, they can't stay, they can't leave, they gotta get a divorce, they are afraid to leave, they are mean...
My W was convinced she had to leave because she could never be a 'good wife' again. So she set unrealistic goals for herself and was stuck in hurt mode, and would have breakdowns often.
But, she would NOT see a counselor. Her affair ended (badly because he was a jerk and when she asked HIM for 'space' he crapped on her') and she felt worthless because she had hurt me, our kids, everyone and felt she had no choice but to continue her path out the door.
So, my counselor 'counciled' her through me. We spent the majority of our time talking about things I could say or do when the opportunity came up that would help her get some grounding in her life. SINCE I WAS GROUNDED I could do this. Most people could not. And yeah, it meant talking about 'the relationship she got into' and assuring her I was ok listening to her issues - because I had chosen to let her go and I would always be there to support her no matter what.
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But are you suggesting that a person has to be pro-active in that role? Or just be available to assume that role when WAS needs it? If you think we are to be proactive, can you maybe give an example on how you did it?
You need the help of a good counselor who can advise you, bottom line is you need to be proactive in THOUGHT by understanding the problem and planning your responses, then take advantage of the opportunities when they come up. And, you MUST talk 'as if' there is no relationship between YOU and her. You only 'want the best' for her in her 'new life'.
frank_d, Great info and I think there is a lot of harsh truth contained there that is hard for some of us to digest.
Yes, there is. Sometimes the WAS is damaged and you can't fix them, and they won't fix themselves. You can do what you can do, but in the end there is a limit.
I'd also like to add from my persective on #6. It's definately an unconditional love kinda thing. It'll break your heart to hear how they "really" feel, but it's very important for them to be able to tell us how they "really" feel, to vent. Frank is right on about creating a R of trust, that you'll always be friends no matter what, and that you're grounded enough to hear her honesty. Basically, treat your W like you would any other casual friend. Sounds impossible, but it's not, and it's very important. Over time it'll build friendship and trust, the foundation of any good R, and it'll give your WAS a lot to consider in making her decision to stay or leave.
God Bless,
COG
My Story http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...&Number=660444&page=2#Post660444
That's EXACTLY what happened in my case, it was like a lightbulb went on in H's head.
We were down to the wire and it was imminent we were heading for, at the very least, separation when I said "regardless of what happens to us, will you still be my friend". It almost rendered him speechless and he has brought that comment up so many times since. He said, when he really started to think about what I said, it started to turn things around for him because he started to look at me in a different light. I wasn't just the "wife", I was MUCH more than that, I was his "friend" and he started to think about all the things he had done, how he had hurt me etc. and thought to himself "I wouldn't do that to a friend, why did I do it to her". It worked wonders and we are still together
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Frank, et al., If you don't mind, I am hoping for advice on applying no. 6 to my sitch. My WAW is still living with me, but in separate rooms. She is not having a PA, but maybe a long distance EA. She is nice to me and we do things together as a family, as a couple with friends, and very occationally just the two of us. But, and it's a big but, she is absolutely resolute in her feeling that she wants out of the R in order to be free to pursue new Rs and that this is the key to her happiness. She won't go to a C since "they will just try to change her mind".
Is this idea of "being her counselor" applicable to this sitch? I have been just trying to give her space and detach under the philosophy that this will let her see that I am not the source of her unhappiness. Seems to work on some levels, but not to the point that she has softened her position. I am willing to give it more time (even a lot more), but am also willing to experiment if there is a shot that something else could work better.
Thanks, SD
Me 41 W 41 Kids: S9 S7 Married 16 years Bomb dropped 2/2/07 Still living together! current thread
SD - this is just my opinion, so take it for what it's worth
Personally, I think she is having her cake, icing AND the nice little sprinkles on top. First of all, I guess it would all depend on how long you have had this "arrangement" but here goes
Give me a break - you are living together, she stays in another room but still wants to do family things, give the impression, socially, that you are a couple and yet she wants to pursue other relationships?
And her not wanting to see a C because they will try to change her mind is a lame excuse. I think its more likely she is afraid SHE might change her mind - why? because she isn't sure of what she is doing - thus all the reasons for not leaving and still pretending you are a family.
Heywyre
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
And her not wanting to see a C because they will try to change her mind is a lame excuse. I think its more likely she is afraid SHE might change her mind - why? because she isn't sure of what she is doing - thus all the reasons for not leaving and still pretending you are a family.
also, they are usually afraid that the counselor will make them have to look at what THEY are doing right now and feel the guilt they are trying to avoid.
