Starting to really piece it back together

[TylerDurden]

It does help. Do you have any good articles on detaching? I'm in a transition period on my R and am really confused on what to do (stay or go). Basic stich. Hadn't talked for about 3 months, then I contacted her with something very light and friendly. I got a great response, she suggested lunch. So that ENTIRE weekend we had an amazing time, told me everything I needed to hear. But she did say that she does want it to work, but just needs more time and wants to do it right. So, ok, I accept that. The following week went great. She called me and txt me. One night she called and told me that she had a bad day, but just needed to hear my voice, and even said that she loves me! Needless to say I was exstatic. But that was the last time I have talked to her (2 weeks ago). So now I'm really confused and I think I might need to detach. What do you think I should do? It seems like everything was going great, then stopped all of the sudden? My gut is telling me to stay, but I'm not sure if that is healthy or not. Thanks for your insight.

[lostmybfriend]

heartbroken i was reading a reply on someone elses sitch. my h is moving in with the ow today he keeps telling me that he is sorry for everything but they are meant to be together.(long story short my h is 39 and married. the ow is 19 and married. so 2 divorces are going on) my h says that i am still his best friend and he wants us all toget along. i feel that with them moving in together that there is no hope left for my marriage.i could really use your advice on this and in put. especially since you have been through what i am going through now. i would give anything for my h to want to work on our m but i am afraid it is to late.

[Heartbroken]

Lost-
So so sorry.....you sure have it rough. My H did not live with the OW - he just set up an apt to have her over for sleepovers...ouch.

I would not file or press for D, I would put alerts on all bank accounts since filing is what is needed to protect your half of the assets.

Start true detachment - you do not want him back unless he WANTS YOU TOO!!! Hard to take but true...

I say go dark on him big time - you really cannot 'just be friends in this sitch'. What is the kid arrangement? Sounds like they will be with OW if they are with him. Is he willing to give them up? WOW - not sure what to tell you.

They do need there time together to really find out they are not meant to be - her immaturity will get to him a lot sooner the more they are together. Does she deal well with your kids now? I will go read your sitch - may not happen until this weekend...

Hang in there and don't believe everything he tells you - my H's OW said they were soulmates too. My H is still having some issues but he's off to a C next Wed. (he doesn't want to share with me b/c he said it may freak me out, WTH?) Guess I am in for another roller coaster ride too!!!

[lostmybfriend]

how do i go dark on him? he texts me everymorning to tell me good morning and then he will say hi a few times during the day. i have custody of the kids but yes she will be there on visits but she has not met them yet.i would give anything to have my h back home but you are right i want him home bc he wants to be home. i really appreciate your advice and it feels great to talk to someone that has already been where i have been and is where i want to be.

[Heartbroken]

Not sure where I am at is all that of a place to be - he is off to C on Wed b/c he is sooooo unhappy and cannot figure out why....he will not elaborate b/c he does not want me freaking out. I feel like I am emotionally carrying this relationship and he may be back just for the kids? How long does this continue on - sure it's not nearly as painful as when OW was in the picture but we are sure not through the woods yet!

TO go darker - ignore all txt's and let his calls go to Voice mail and answer only the ones YOU choose to take. Don't be so available - he needs to really see life without you. He needs to have his kids too and they may just have to be around the OW unfortunately!!! Hang in there and keep reading other sitch's out here!!

HB

[ourcrisis]

HB, I have the same feelings that he may be coming back for the kids. When h was an "alien", he said, "kids will survive, they do not affect my decision (to leave)". Now he came back, "because of many things". I had to swallow my pride that it is not just love for me alone. I do feel my h is really trying to be nice, but the refusal to talk about A (past and present) is killing me. Your h is probably going through depression. At least you know OW is out and your h is seeing C which is a good thing because IMHO, it is better that h can talk to someone to work it out becaues h cannot discuss the issues with you. Do you have trouble not knowing what his "issues" are? I do and am having a hard time.

Is he still scheduled to be back end of this month? You know my h is back. For me, it is more difficult because there are expectations (on how "in love" we should be, what he is doing at work, if he will remember doing something, how he reacts around me, etc.). I hope everything will be quite easy for you. It sounds like your h is honest to you so that's great.

to lost: if you can word it in a way to h to have him think about whether to have ow see the kids or have ow go somewhere on the visits, it may be worth a try? It should not, however, sounds like you are pushing him (e.g. "I don't want the kids around ow" is pushy??) Think of h as a regular friend, you won't be waiting around the phone for a regular friend to call, right? good luck.

[Heartbroken]

OC, Thanks for your kind words they were a huge source of comfort…

Piecing Veterans: I really need some advice, H is just getting worse emotionally. I know we are in piecing for real, he has not talked/seen OW in over 9 weeks and he is so sorry he went that route. For the first few weeks we were GREAT, but now I am emotionally carrying this R and he admits it. I asked how we started so strong and he thinks he was using ‘us’/me to get over OW. H also feels he has used the apt separation as a ‘drug’ to help in avoid the issues at home. H said last nite if I said I wanted to D right now he would agree.

He feels hopeless b/c he had no choice in giving OW up, since I, our kids, our friends and family would not have accepted their R (DUH!) so he knew he had to end it with her and now his only choice is to be back with me. But that is his dilemma he feels nothing not bad, not good towards me or us. He just feels hopeless. He thinks he’s in depression and I know he is. H is tired all the time and is soooo sad – he is making me soooo sad and I think my tears are pushing him away again and I need to understand how to get back into DB’ing again, not that I have stopped just not going at it like I was when we were in crisis mode. The only positive thing he is doing is jogging 3 or 4 times a week.

H goes to a C on Wed. and I fear he thinks she is going to have the magic answer of why is had an A and why he is so unhappy. I am grateful he sees the need for C, it took him a long time (he always wants to fix things on his own).

My questions: Is this depression normal for WAS when they return. I know he is coming back b/c the kids want him here but will he just break our hearts once again when he leaves for good? Why am I so negative, I was much more positive when facing the OW sitch than these internal issues. I feel so tired of just trying and just want someone to care for me for ME, I feel so sad and selfish right now and I got to figure out how to rise above it once again before I help screw this all up again… I have realized I need to go back to see my C again too. I plan to call on Monday.

Any wisdom from this team would be so appreciated. I just feel so lonely right now. I fear losing him for good this time. How many times can a heart be broken?

Thanks for your help, understanding, kind words and use of 2X4's...

[theoden]

HB,

I'm no veteran of piecing. In my sitch is was easier to deal with things in the midst of crisis (OM in picture)than afterward. There was a strange "honeymoon" stage after she broke up with OM, which lasted 2-3 weeks. Then... when I told her I didn't want to buy a house with her until our relationship was more solid and that she needed to get tested for STD, she blew a gasket and wanted a separation. We are now getting ready to rent a beautiful house and we'll see what happens. She's not pushing for separation at this point, though she's obviously going through some depression issues.

Here's my 2 cents:

1. Your husband is grieving the loss of OW. This takes time. Listen, validate feelings, dont judge. Pray that you will be able to grieve with him. I know this sounds sick, but God gave me that gift. His feelings are normal. My wife would sit in bed in a "coffin" pose saying there's "no point to anything at all" after she broke up with OM.

2. By the way, he had a choice to give up OW. He could have stayed with her. He's a big boy. He can't blame "his family, friends and society" for trapping him. That's so freaking immature.

2. Your husband is depressed. Guilt, shame, grief, confusion. It's all hitting him. His IC needs to help him navigate that. The truth is, HB, the issues that led to the affair are still there. This is about him, not you, remember? An affair is a poor way to sort out your depression/MLC. When he deals with this, he'll feel better about a lot of other things. In other words, he needs "to get a life." Don't panic.

3. Don't be clingy, don't plead, cry around him and don't chase. You must still present yourself as the best option. His other options are: the OW or being single.

4. Back to basics. You are being too nice to him. Practice mild forms of the Last Resort Technique. Even if he moves back, you need to detach and make him wonder what life would be like without your constant love. He's always known he's had it. Even when you helped him move out. That was smart. However, you seem to overcompensate by "killing him with kindness". Well, yeah, you might have guilted him into coming back. You need to *attract* him back. Attracting him back means you don't need him anymore. It means you will be fine without him. It means your core persona is not defined by your relationship with him. He needs to wonder who is this intriguing person? Right now, he feels you are the same loyal, loving, ever-present, ever-willing to be walked on person. Your making him move out showed some backbone. Now show him some if he moves back.

5. Back to GAL activities. I would venture tp try things that are unusual for you. Things that make you feel strong, powerful, in control, sexy, attractive. Bellydancing? Voice lessons? Kung Fu? Things that put you in full control of your body. Things that make you "glow" when you are going them.

6. What if he comes back and leaves again? What if you get so mad at him that you end up having an affair? What if? What if? You can't live on what ifs. Do you want him back in the house or not? It's that simple. Let God take care of the what ifs.

7. Be prepared for anger and rage on your part. It's natural. It healthy. It might help you regain your self-esteem. More on this in pont #9.

8. You've probably read "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. I recommend "After the Affair" by Springer. It's written for both parties in an affair and has excercizes to help you both figure our how to get past it. I suggest you read it first and, if you like it, go through it with him. It's fair to both parties (unfaithful and offended spouse).

9. You closed you post saying you "fear losing him." It's good your honest about this here. Our fears kill us don't they? Our spouses can smell the fear and it feeds the recklessness and power they have over us. the fear makes us unattractive and repels our spouses. As long as you fear losing him, he'll have all the power in this relationship. As long as you fear losing him, you'll never truly detatch and have the emotional freedom to truly attract him. Look, HB. What are you afraid of? He's done his worst. You've been through the worst. You only stand to gain. I also have my fears. I'm rapidly losing them because, to some extent, I'm pissed off as hell. Sometimes healthy anger helps us see clearly and draw boundaries. You might need a calm way of saying to him, "Don't f*ck with me anymore."

Feel free to email me at [e-mail]

I'm rooting for you, HB. I am.

--Theoden

[runningoutoftime]

Heartbroken,

He may still be in MLC. Try to give him space and relax (you do not have the power to fix his happiness. He has to do this on his own...). But you can try to make family life fun and special.... continue doing fun things together, dating, being a great listener, good friend, etc... Also, continue to try and be the sexy fun hottie wife, and encourage him to do things that make him happy. Does he need more excitement in his life? A fun hobby??? I actually know one older couple where the husband was in MLC, very depressed about his life, and ready to leave... he ended up staying when his wife encouraged him to get a jeep and he took up canoeing (of course, all relationships are different and that wouldn't work for everyone!).

Another thing to conisder is low dose antidepressants. He may find it helpful to ask his doctor about this. I don't like to encourage meds, but sometimes people do need them. I think as we get older sometimes our body chemicals change and we may need the extra serotoinin to help stabilize us.

Hummmm.... carrying the relationship on your back... that does sound a lot like me in the past. I wanted soooo much for my husband to be happy in the marriage that I became like a Stepford Wife. It's good to care about our spouses and try to meet their needs, but we cannot be entirely responsible for their happiness, they have to accept and deal with the fact it cannot always be perfect. No relationship is perfect. Your husband may still be grappling with this.... as well as the bio/chemical changes with aging and MLC.... Unfortunately you cannot help him with this. From everything I've read it's their journey. Another thing, OP are like a drug, they are EXTREMELY difficult to give up. I have to admit, I kind of experienced some of those feelings without actually having an affair.. during my divorce I did develop a "crush" on someone. A male friend I met who lives a few hours away. Fortunately, I'm very rational and objective, and have a very strong sense of boundaries, so I could experience the feelings without getting confused or carried away with them... but, what was completely fascinating for me was to experience the bio/chemical feelings of a crush and consider that this is what my husband probably felt and what occurs in early relationships when the "chemistry" is there. Being married for so long I had forgotten what that felt like. I do believe for some people those feelings can be addictive just like alcohol or drugs. Your husband may not miss OW (as an individual) but the feelings and bio/chemical reactions that relationship with her caused...