I've been thinking all day about your post on my thread. That Timeline was really helpful--does it help you to look at it that way?
Try it. Put different names...pretend you are reading about another poster--so many of our stories are close to the same that it could be someone else. If you can separate yourself fro it that way, try it.
Now, what would you tell that person...not as a noDB and inexpereinced person off the street, but what would you tell her as a fellow DBer. You've been in this a long time and the answers are in there--in you. You know this stuff. So what would you tell her?
Not about what to do...only she can decide what to do. But what would you tell her about what is going on. Are there patterns that can only bee seen in the greater context...and/or iwth impersonal detachment?
I'll tell you waht I see...I see a man who ha sbeen in crisis for several years--since your PPD in 2001 at least. He was drinking heavily...and drug/police issues! And dealing with his Father's illness and chafeuring Mom...it's not so much stress; it's PAIN. Stress is there, but PAIN is the bigges feeling I get.
His Dad's death may have also sent him into an MLC. But this was prolonged. It's great Dad survived. But the extended fear of constant worry for six months of hospitalization while being a caregive/provider for Mom. When someone dies...Bam, they are gone. The pain can start and be released. But this was a constnat beating of when.what if...
I don't know anything about Post Traumatic Stress. But imagine the fear of a soldier...repeated every night as he faces gun fire knowing and fearing that not just this day/night, but this moment may be his last...or the last for the guy next to him. Well, that's what I feel for your MLCer during that six months.
Okay, so let's move on to your post from my thread. Like I said, I thought about this all day...and I don't know that I have a lot to say. I undertand it is hard. You are hurt, and you feel he is the cause. And he is in a way...but he's a victim of his own pain too.
The answer is the same one my mentor has given me for MANY of my questions. She laughs...sometiems comments I won't like it, or I'll laugh too. It's simple and it is frustrating.
The answer is TIME. Not merely that it takes time to heal, but you need to accept your process of grief and healing and ALLOW yourself time to heal.
Remeber what Snodderly said to Holly a few weeks ago? Be Still.
Well that is also excellent advice for you. Be Still. Look within yourself and accept your feelings. Yes, you cannot look at him without feeling negative emotions swelling within. And I wish that were not so--as do you. But there they are--wanted or not. Accept them, let them wash over you. Own your feelings and realize they are not good or bad...they simply are.
Sweetie, you must go through this--as I've said in reference to the MLC tunnel...through, not over. You are normal. You are reacting in a perfectly natural manner. Ther is nothin wrong with you.
Be still and find that quiet place of solitude within yourself. Listen to the solitude and silence. Be very still.
