Time stamps don't mean much on a BB. What you see and what someone else sees might be different. So if you are referring to a specific post of yours, you might want to repost it, instead of referring to a time stamp.
My parents have just returned from a month long trip. They have always loved my wife and have been very concerned. My mother sent my wife an email and she responded with the follow and sent me a copy also:
-------
Mom,
I would truly prefer that you spoke with me. I am the one who asked for the divorce. My parents have remained neutral yet supportive during my decision. They realize that although this decision touches others lives, it's truly between {HusbandName} and me.
I realize that I cancelled seeing you before you left, but 3 1/2 weeks ago emotions were very raw and {HusbandName} and I had things we needed to talk about before I spoke with you. I know you arrived home on Tuesday, but I also know that with time adjustments as well as things to be done (laundry etc.) I was giving you time to settle back in. Also, during one of mine and {HusbandName} discussions, he said he would talk with you all and tell you why I felt I could no longer remain married, so I was giving him that time as well. After {HusbandName} talks with you, I will be more than happy to sit and talk with you and Pop. I would like to remain friends with you both as well as {HusbandName}. {HusbandName} and I are trying to do that. I truly love you both as well as the extended family and I hope that once we talk that you can understand my reasoning, and if not, at least respect it.
I will be in touch,
{WifeName}
--------
Should I respond to this?
I do understand that my wife is unhappy and I understand why she is unhappy. However, I don't understand why she feels that divorce is the only answer. I think all can be worked out. Her email sounds very final.
I'd like to get other's opinions on this. Please help me!!
Quote: ------------------------------------------------- Should I respond to this?
I do understand that my wife is unhappy and I understand why she is unhappy. However, I don't understand why she feels that divorce is the only answer. I think all can be worked out. Her email sounds very final. -------------------------------------------------
She didn't write it to you, so don't respond.
Her desire for divorce is to fill a perceived need. The problem is you don't know what, exactly, that need is.
Since you don't know what her reasons are, you are naturally frustrated. It doesn't make sense to you because you are willing to work things out and you think that should be enough for her to want to as well. Again, there is that little problem with you not knowing the reasons she needs to divorce you.
Add to the above the fact that, so far, she has not filed, and you have a temporary mystery. In real life, almost all mysteries have simple explanations. You need to find out what that explanation is.
You can ask "why" until your nose bleeds and the only thing you will possibly hear back is your own echo.
So, stop asking us and go find out.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
I'm meeting with my wife today to exchange mail/bills/checks etc. We're having lunch at a "visible" place.
She and I haven't talked any lately. Only when she called to ask me how to deal with my mother's request to talk with her. I suggested that we have lunch to exchange stuff. She said that she "had something" for me. Not sure what it is, but at one point she said that she was working on a "letter" to me.
Regarding her email to my mother (posted above) and her wanting me to tell her what to doing.... I'm going to just tell her that it's up to her -- she can talk with my mother if she wants to. That I'm not going to make that decision for her.
I think me not calling and wanting to see her has puzzled her some. Not pushing and begging, just letting go. It's been a 180 for me. Hopefully she's not feeling pressured and is thinking about me more and hopefully in a good way.
I know I keep asking why divorce is her solution -- but I really don't know why. I keep looking for the answer. As NOPkins said, I need to find out why she needs to divorce me. I don't think she's seeing anyone else. She says she's not seeing anyone else, and I can't find any evidence that she is. I think she's really thought about our relationship and it's a hard decision for her. I think it may just boil down to being a "trust" issue. Can she trust me to be the man she wants? Will I take her serious and will it continue?
I'm feeling much more confident now days. I know that I can make it with or without her. I'm changing back to the person I was 15 years ago. Getting better focused on my life, business, etc.
Moving back into the house turned out to not be as painful as I was expecting. I'm making some changes at home. Cleaning up and organizing. I've been collecting some of the stuff she left, but don't have any plans to ask her to get it.
She wants to know about getting one of our cats. He seems happy here, but he does love my wife best. The other two cats and my dog are staying with me. I may let her come get the cat she wants -- I may try to put it off some more.
I've heard thru friends that her mother is coming down for the holiday weekend at the end of the month. (MIL lives about 14 hours away.) Not sure if that's a good sign or not. The MIL can be a rather jealous person -- often I have felt that she was jealous of me -- taking time away from her. However, I know that she is also Christian and doesn't view divorce as a good thing. Hopefully she'll be a voice of reason.
Today, I'm planning to dress up more that usual. Working alone has let me get very casual. Going to wear khakis' and a white shirt with tie (tie, may be)... going back to what I would were when we were dating. I may bring back memories....
I'm going to be upbeat and listen. Not going to do any relationship talk. If she brings it up, I'll try to avoid it and/or just listen to her.
I'm going to be upbeat and listen. Not going to do any relationship talk. If she brings it up, I'll try to avoid it and/or just listen to her
This sounds really good. Do not engage in R talk. Do not talk about what you can or will do for the R. Now is not the time. Have fun, steer the conversation to other things.
I've been collecting some of the stuff she left, but don't have any plans to ask her to get it.
good. dont mention it. you sound a lot better then you did days ago. keep us updated
I really want my wife back, but the longer it goes on the easier this is getting to be.
It's like I letting go a little at a time. I thought that letting go, meant that I didn't love her or want her as my wife. Now, I think that letting go just means letting go of trying to control her and the marriage.
When I read some of the other threads, I'm amazed how long this can go on and how the ones that are fighting for the marriage keep fighting. But the way they fight changes over time.
Met today at a local restaurant, my choice of new location. Went in sat down, place orders.
General chit-chat. Pleasant. She gave me a check for our house payment (less some other expenses).
She brought up my mother and wanted to know what I wanted to do about them talking. I told her that it was her decision -- she could talk with my mother or not. She could tell her whatever she wanted or she could just not tell her anything. It was up to her.
She said that she thought that I was going to talk with my mother. I told her I had. But that she wanted to hear it from her -- get her version too. I told her that I understood why she was unhappy, but that I did understand why she thought that divorce was the only answer.
She got teary eyed and took some deep breaths and said that "may be it was because she just didn't love me anymore." That she was done back in October and just thought that counseling might help. Then when in counseling I said some things that pushed her out. (She had previously always said that "there was nothing I could say or do in counseling that would cause her to leave.")
She tried to talk more and couldn't with out tearing up. She was really getting choked up. I told her that I hadn't planned on talking about the relationship and wanted to keep things lite -- she said that she knew that and it was her fault for bringing it up. That she was going to work on a letter and try to say things in it. I said, "Let's change the subject....."
We started talking about other people, neighbors, friends, work, etc... Lot's of smiles and laughing. --- Like old times.
When we walked out of the restaurant, she said we would talk more about things later. She gave me a hug and I kissed her on the cheek. Told her to call me if she need anything. She said thanks.
--------
The things I find interesting:
-- She gets emotional when talking about the relationship -- at one point she said that it wasn't easy. I told her that it was normal and that if she wasn't upset that would be worse. -- She hasn't filed. -- She isn't pushing to file. -- She isn't pushing to sell the house. -- She isn't pushing to get the rest of her stuff. -- She didn't say anything about getting one of the cats. -- She stays firm in her decision.
If there was someone else that she was involved with or if she was really sure about the divorce, I would think that she'd want to get the divorce over with.
--------
I sometimes wonder if this is a "test".... to see if I'll keep wanting her. Make me work for it. May be even subconsciously, she still wants it to work, but thinks that she needs to punish or test me before she can admit that she too wants it to work out.
You've changed A LOT since your first post. You are becoming stronger and more sure of yourself.
I can't tell you what she is really thinking/feeling, however, I think if you stay on the track you're on, you'll be fine. Just wait and see what "the letter" says and wait and see how things pan out.
I found that not talking R and just continuing on loving them is the best way. It's not always easy, you want to know what they're thinking & feeling NOW, but patience is the key.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Good to hear you are holding up well given the circumstances. No matter what happens over the next 6 months it will not be easy on you so it is good that you are taking care of yourself.
It sounds like your lunch was good overall. If she follows through with writing a letter, that will possibly give some additional insight but do not ask her about it!
It is natural to make the lists of interesting behavior. In my opinion it is more helpful for the sake of making sure YOU see how things are progressing. I did the same thing during my separation and it did help me. On the other hand it is not all that useful in figuring out the Walkaway Spouse because honestly many of them are just not thinking logically even when they think they are. As far as trying to figure out why she has not filed yet, I do not think it is worth your tine to try to logically figure out why. FWIW, my XH has given me a little feedback from the "other side" and it is not all that helpful. It is like he woke up from sleepwalking and he seems to not remember exactly what he was feeling because it makes no sense to him now. Trust me, I cross examined him trying to get information to help others here!
You know your wife better than us but I doubt she is purposely testing you. That is why keeping on track to make the needed changes FOR YOU is so important because it will take her awhile to really see and acknowledge the changes. Remember in many ways she is not even looking for the changes since she has already "made her decision." You don't need to argue that point with her but obviously decisions can be changed! Waiting for her reaction is not useful for you and will not be a good gauge of your progress. You need to become the MAN YOU want to be for yourself. That way YOU are happy with yourself either way it ends up. (I hope you can see the difference. You can like yourself AND wish that you had your wife back. You can be happy with one area of your life while unhappy about another area. It is not easy but it is well worth it. Off topic – people do this with many things – unhappy with their job (weight, family, salary, etc.) and so the rest of their life becomes miserable. What a waste.)
Anyway, I hope you stay strong and focused and use this board to vent whenever you have frustrations!!
Have you started biking/exercising regularly? Still thinking about shaving off the beard???
Good luck
But what is happiness except the simple harmony between a man and the life he leads? ~Albert Camus
