Separated...and pregnant. Advice appreciated.

[JR2007]

Well, I feel like this is going to sound odd but he didn't really say there was anything specific that he couldn't live with in the marriage. Honestly, it felt like I just started living with a different person. He became less and less recognizable and more unhappy as the months passed. I asked him what I could do, what anyone could do, and he just kept saying that it was him (not me) and that he didn't know what was wrong or how to fix it. He still says this in counseling.

He says that he would like for things to work out, but I'm not sure I believe him. He doesn't really seem to be trying because I honestly believe he just feels lost and doesn't seem to have a sense of who he is anymore. I want to help him but don't want to crowd, pressure, etc. so I have been trying to give as much space as possible, while staying supportive and taking care of me throughout the pregnancy.

I feel like I'm making no sense and talking in circles but that is really how the situation feels to me, more than a bit confusing and overwhelming.

I am trying to work on our interactions regarding the business. I know that I can be a bit unbearable when it comes to the finances (personal and business finances alike) but I really just have our best interest in mind. He is a bit financially unreliable so neither of us feel comfortable turning the financials over to him. Honestly, I think that if he had the self esteem to be more aggressive with new business, we could easily grow and many of these issues would no longer exist. He is just terrified of rejection, which doesn't help things when you are responsible for bringing in new business and maintaining existing relationships. Perhaps he could take a business class to boost self-esteem? I have suggested this to him but he always says that we don't have the money then becomes depressed about it. Seems like a never-ending pattern...

Again, I just want to thank everyone for any thoughts, it really helps to finally put this out there and have a support system. Even though it's been 3.5 months, we haven't told many friends/family so don't have much support there.

Your husband is completely unfulfilled with his life. It, more than likely, has little or nothing to do with you. He's unhappy at work because he wants it to be better but doesn't have the strength to do it. His strength has been sapped by depression. He is acting EXACTLY the way I was acting the last 3 years after I lost a great job and decided to go out on my own. I promised my wife over and over things would get better but my self-confidence and motivation were SHOT! How could my motivation be shot you ask - you had a great wife and a great kid you say? I was blinded by selfishness, I was seeing how I was failing and refused to accept it - - I'M NOT A FAILURE and men don't get depressed, I told myself and I believed it - hook line and sinker. I was absolutely unrecognizable to my wife, I'm 100% sure of it. I got really fat, sat and watch hours of TV, spent ridiculous amounts of money on worthless things to try to get some excitement in my life, did other hurtful things to my wife - not to hurt her, but that was the net effect.

So, you're making perfect sense! The fact that you are here and want to make it better is HUGE! Talk with your H, let him know how you feel in a kind, respectful manner. Don't let him blow you off, but don't pursue too hard either, you'll chase him off that way. Let him know you're his best friend and you're there for him and work with that. Keep going to the counselor, if that one doesn't get you anywhere, find another one that specializes in family/relationship COACHING! You need skills to communicate and treat each other properly, not someone psycho-analyzing your childhood (just an opinion).

I'm having to do all this stuff by myself right now, so you're lucky your H is still there with you. Take advantage of that small gift and you'll do fine. I know you will...