It takes us all varying amounts of time to get there, but it would seem that there usually needs to be a cataclysmic event that ultimately creates a change - good or bad. Consider that we all talk about the "BOMB" - well that is what it took for us to realise that our M's were REALLY that bad. And it caused a change in us LBS's.
BUT, it needs to be well thought out - and you have to be at a place of love and courage to do it. If nothing else, the good news is you are taking YOUR life back and the direction it is going and for me, that was huge. Scary as all get out, but huge.
Onward and upward...
Sven
Never sacrifice the great for the good. Sometimes the beauty of grace is that it makes life not fair.
Scary is a good way to descibe it. I'm scared like you wouldn't believe. If I get a place June 1st, split my check50/50, fortunately my job will direct deposit by percentage so I can drop 50% in her account and put the rest in mine, I really don't see how we will make it financially more than a few months.
In one of my other posts I talked about how she shredded us financially. I thought the mortgage was being EFT'd, but she was draining the money fast as it was coming in. The mortgage was 3 months behind twice in 8 months. Our van was repoed, all kinds of good times.
We are just now digging out. It took me raiding my retirement fund, working every hour of overtime possible and really enjoying P,B & J sandwiches for lunch everyday. I just kept telling myself that when I was a kid this would have been heaven as that is all I ever wanted to eat. Oh well.
Fast forward to now. I have everything running on an even keel and then she comes up with this? This is so screwed up, it pisses me off to no end to think about all the work and sacrifice just so she can blow it up again?
At dinner, we were getting the kids setup to eat and W got into a tiff with D11. I didn't hear everything so when I went over by the stove and away from the kids so they wouldn't hear and I asked about the tiff and what was going on. W says, "you already know what's going on, I think about everything all the time". I just said, 'yup, just sounded a bit intense for just being about wearing her shoes in the house', got my plate and walked back to the table. You know what? I hate that she is in this much angst/pain. I really do. I wanted to give her a hug and tell her I love her, but I didn't. I couldn't even give her a pat on the shoulder. Nada, zip, nothing. All I could think was, what did you think was going to happen? How did you think this would go down?
After dinner, I signed up to help out at my D9 and D6 field days. Helped get them ready to go to church with W, I'm home with S14. When it was time for her to leave she gave me a hug and kiss, both a little warmer than the last few weeks. Whatever. Up and down she goes. I'm just not riding any longer. Rather than ride the roller coaster, I'm like one of those people that stand down on the ground and wave when you come by. Screw that. If I want to ride a roller coaster I'll go to Great America.
My check is in the bank. I put 60% in "our" mutual checking account. W has access to this account. 40% is in a savings account I opened in my name only.
I'm sitting here wrestling with sending her an e-mail regarding this. Basically, here is 60%, here are the bills pending. My next check will arrive on June 1. The mortgage will be due then. Various other bills will also be due. I don't want this but here we are.
God this sucks. She seemed to be in a good mood last night. She asked me if I had called the dealership about getting a second vehicle. Chatted a bit.
I don't know. Is this something I push right now or do I wait until after June 5, which was her deadline or whatever you want to call it. The kids get out of school June 5.
I guess one thing that keeps running through my head is Chuck's advice to leave the talk of separation alone. Just look for an apartment or have something lined up, that way if she brings it up I have something to show in the area of moving on with my life.
IIRC Chuck's advice was to just back way off, which I've been doing, spend lots of time with me kids, been doing that as well, and leave her to sort out this stuff in her head on her own, and I've been doing that pretty well too.
If I send her an e-mail about dividing assets it will lead into an R talk right now, I know that there will be no way to avoid that given the mental state she has been in the last few days as I've posted above. The other thing that goes through my mind is, who really knows what effect 2 more weeks of me doing what I've been doing could do in this regard. Would that be enough to make her reconsider the separation.
I like the idea of the LRT and telling her, 'here you go, your %, this is my %, I wish it could be different but this is what you want'.
Okay, here is a rough draft of the potential e-mail.
**60% of my check was put into the checking account. After car insurance was debited, gas and another debit at ______ pharmacy, there is $_____ remaining.
The only pending bill I'm aware of is cell phone bill. Something needs to be sent to the Visa bills. I can take care of that or you can, it's up to you. Everything else is current and on schedule.
Of course mortgage is coming up June 1, but my next check is issued that day as well.
I will call _______ again about the van. I'm not sure how much that will actually cost, $150-$200 is what I have heard. Will find out today and let you know.
I can sit down with you any time that is convenient, to show you how I have set things up and where things are as far as the check book goes.
Still sitting on this one. Not sure where to go. Chuck's advice is sound, she seems to be really struggling with all of this.
I don't know what to do. I'm really tired, I've been sleeping yet still wake up feeling like I was never in bed, haven't been eating real well, just no appetite right now. I just got back from a workout, so I'm keeping that on track.
I think the main thing I'm wrestling with here is not wanting to appear manipulative or controlling. I'm not sure if my motivation is totally LRT'ish as in, here ya' go, I'm releasing everything to you, you want out, so I'm getting out of your way.
I think the reason I don't feel genuine is that part of me is hoping this will scare her into trying. That she will see, this is going to be devastating on so many levels.
Is it really okay for me to have that motive in my head at whatever % it might be in my decision to do this?
I really wish my motivation were completely 100% to say, here you go, I'm letting you go, maybe you ask me to stay, maybe you are happy to see me go, either way it's yours to make.
W wanted to talk last night. I didn't, but she insisted. W said, "how many nights did you keep me up because you just had to talk".
She had me there, I haven't done that in a long time but she is right so I figured what the heck.
Basically, W doesn't want to try, period. Just the thought of trying, saying that she will try one more time, makes her physically ill, causes her to become anxious, desperate and sick. That I want this because it works for me, as long as I'm okay it's fine but she won't be okay, she won't make it, she will probably have to drink everyday if she can make it at all. Most likely she won't survive it. Simply can't do it.
The kids will be okay. It's worse for them now. That is where I broke. Thinking about what they will go through if she has her way simply wrecks me. I asked her if she actually heard herself, does she really believe that them having to move, losing their rooms, their home, their friends, neighborhood, all of that, how could that be better for them? Flipping their world upside down is better? W said there is no way its better for them as it is. I shouldn't have but I told her, 'listen, I know everyday that you don't love me, want to be with me. You pride yourself on how you don't just say that stuff to me but you don't have to, it's evident. You go out of your way to take care of people, if someone has a headache you'll offer to rub their neck or whatever to help them feel better. You can't even ask me how my day was, you could give a [censored]. When I got hurt at work, you never once offered to help me, or see if there was something you could do to make me feel better. You never even asked how my physical therapy was coming along or anything to do with it. Everybody else, including the kids would ask or try to help. Not you. If that would have been anyone else, you would have been all over it. So for you to think that I want this to work out because its just fine for me is way off base. I get nothing from you, you don't even want to go out to a movie with me, you spend all your time with someone else, you make your plans to do things with someone else. Where in here am I getting what I want? How in this am I fine? I'm not, but I'm willing to put myself aside, to suck it up and drive on for the sake of my kids and the life that they have now. I'm willing to gamble on your feelings changing, knowing full well that I could do this for a year, 5 or 10 years and you still could file for D. Yet I still have to do it for the possibility that my kids and us can be whole."
Her response was, "fine, you're better than me, just keep telling yourself that, tell everyone else too".
Of course there was the mandatory, I don't want to be with you physically, emotionally, socially, when are you just going to accept it, blah, blah, blah.
W said she had been talking to our pastor's wife. W was trying to explain things to PW and PW said, "basically it sounds like you don't want to allow yourself to feel vulnerable with him?" W said that was exactly right, she didn't trust me with her. W said there is no way that, if W were to lay it all out for the pastor and pastoral staff to see, that they wouldn't agree that we need to "make a decision". Meaning, pursue the D.
I went to our church website this morning and read through all the ask the pastor questions regarding D. Every time, he recommends counseling. He talks about how God hates divorce but it is okay in certain circumstances. Even then, he recommends a separation period, to allow things to cool off, while going to MC to see if things can be reconciled.
I want to call her and ask her to go to MC, even if/with the separation, if for no other reason than that is what our church leadership would probably recommend. W is part of the worship team, leads in worship and is featured in solos and specials. Surely for no other reason, I would want think W would at least do what they ask, if only to say she did.
Tyler you are not alone. I read your post and it sounds almost like my situation. I woke up today, asking myself do I really even want to try anymore. H only visits the kids once a week, won't go to counseling, won't talk only about work, won't go anywhere with me. He couldn't even call me on Mother's Day, but hasn't asked for a D.
What do we do? I am not a patient person and have been wondering do I just stop trying too?
My heart goes out to you and remember you are NOT alone.
Me 50 H 42 S 22 S 9 D 7 M 12 T 17 H moved out 8/2006 H moved home 1/2007 for 3 weeks H moved home 5/2011 for good
"Learn from yesterday ~ Live for today ~ And hope for tomorrow"
During this talk she mentioned that I still pressure her for physical things.
I looked at her like she was from Mars, I couldn't help it. W said, "what is that look for?"
I told her that this will probably come back to bite me but here goes, we haven't had sex in over a month, closer to two months. I haven't said a word about it. Yes, I did joke around with you the other day but give me a break, I knew nothing could happen even if things were great, just due to time restraints, and the kids running in and out of our room and everywhere else as they were getting ready for school.
She said, "whatever, it's still there".
After our talk, W went into the bathroom to take a shower and get ready for bed. At first I went downstairs, God help me but that bottle of vodka was calling my name like never before. It got even worse when I decided to just have a coke and I noticed that W had picked up some orange juice when shopping earlier. Vanilla flavored vodka and orange juice tastes like a dreamcicle on steroids. God, it was hard but I just got a small glass of coke and walked away.
I get upstairs and am determined to just get in bed and go to sleep. W is out of the shower and lying down watching TV. Again, I shouldn't have but I said, "look, regarding the physical side of things, the only reason I would want to despite everything that is going on is, I know you haven't been with anyone else, I haven't been with anyone else so it's safe. We don't have to worry about anything goofy, Lord only knows what is out there nowadays. It WOULD feel good and relieve some tension for both of us."
W said, "yeah so I do that and then you think everything is okay, or anything has changed for me".
I told her, "look, I know nothing changes for you. I get that."
A minute later she is pulling the covers off our bed and initiating ML?!?!
It was great, anything is great after 2 months, but what the heck?
Tyler you are not alone. I read your post and it sounds almost like my situation. I woke up today, asking myself do I really even want to try anymore. H only visits the kids once a week, won't go to counseling, won't talk only about work, won't go anywhere with me. He couldn't even call me on Mother's Day, but hasn't asked for a D.
What do we do? I am not a patient person and have been wondering do I just stop trying too?
My heart goes out to you and remember you are NOT alone.
That is a tough one glamgirl. It's a weird spot to be in for sure. One side of me wants to stand firm, the other side of me wants to run like hell. To be honest, the more my mind rolls around today, running looks so easy compared to sticking this out.
I know my mind will work through this and my resolve will return when I talk to my kids or see them tonight, but for right now...
