Separated...and pregnant. Advice appreciated.

[cat03]

Hi there, I read your post yesterday but I just now have a change to reply

We are both in couples and individual counseling and he says that he wants to work on things but remains completely distant, defensive and angry at times.

That is totally normal, I call it the anger/blame stage, when they just blame the other spouse for all and can't see straight, it lasted about 4mths for my H, you can't reason w/them until they come to terms with the fact that they also had their hand in the downfall of the M. At the beginning C didnt' help my H much, we changed of Cs 2x until we found this great C who made us feel we'd achieve some progress since the first visit w/him.

He also says that he doesn't feel anything anymore (no sadness, regret, happiness, etc) and doesn't know who he is. Also says he doesn't want to hurt me any longer and that I don't know him/understand him. He is only 34, I can't imagine it would be a MLC.

That is exactly what my H told me many times when he was away and suffered from deep depression, told me how empty he felt, how he didnt' have anything to give, that I was better off without him. Plus the MLC he was just a mess. My H was 29 when all this happened, so yes, MLC can happen at this stage.

All I could do is just to be his friend, told him repeatedly how I married him for better and for worse, that in the years past he had pour so much love into our M and me that I was going to be there for him. He always felt underserving and kept asking him why I still wanted him "I wouldnt' want me back!" he'd say.

A really good book was "talking to depression" it really helps you to see their side and know what to say and what not to.

I'm sorry you have to go through this trial by fire while prego, but know that as horrible as this sitch is, it could make your M much stronger and better in the end. I suffered a great deal, but I am much better off now, I have learned a great deal about myself and about my M, I wouldnt' want to be back to the way things were.

I want you to read either (or both) of this books: "The proper care and feeding of husbands", and "For Women Only: What You Need to Know about the Inner Lives of Men" to help you learn to see your H's side of things.

Be supportive, be a listening ear. Be yourself, I know it sounds corny, but be that confident person he fell in love with,show him who he can be coming home to.
I can imagen how the business can be the source of problems, I dont' have much advice and I'm sure it is a fine balancing act, just make sure you hear your H out and respect him when he brings ideas you dont' agree with.

He says that he would like for things to work out, but I'm not sure I believe him. He doesn't really seem to be trying because I honestly believe he just feels lost and doesn't seem to have a sense of who he is anymore.

Hon, depression is a horrible beast, just the fact that he says he wants things to work is him TRYING, you have to believe him when he says he doesnt' feel anything, it is a sad sad thing, like my H, he is shattered inside. He sees his life as a huge lie and a deception, this knowledge tears him appart, MLC is when they look back and say "what the heck am I doing? what have I accomplished?"

...if he had the self esteem to be more aggressive with new business, we could easily grow and many of these issues would no longer exist. He is just terrified of rejection, which doesn't help things when you are responsible for bringing in new business and maintaining existing relationships

If bringing new business isnt' his forte, then swap responsibilities, work out a new plan in which you are the one handling new business if you are the more agressive one. It all has to do w/him feeling disrespected.
I wouldnt' recommend going dark, he is reaching out and going to C.

As for the EA read on:
Beyond Betrayal article
Emotionally Retarded Men in Love
======================

About the only people more dangerous than philandering men going through life with an open fly and romantic damsels going through life in perennial distress, are emotionally retarded men in love. When such men go through a difficult transition in life, they hunker down and ignore all emotions. Their brain chemistry gets depressed, but they don't know how to feel it as depression. Their loved ones try to kee from bothering them, try to keep things calm and serene - and isolate them further

An emotionally retarded man may go for a time without feeling pleasure, pain, or anything else, until a strange woman jerks him back into awareness of something intense enough for him to feel it - perhaps sexual fireworks, or the boyish heroics of rescuing hff, or perhaps just fascination with her constantly changing moods and never-ending emotional crises.

With her, he can pull out of his depression briefly, but he sinks back even deeper into it when he is not with her. He is getting addicted to her, but he doesn't know that. He only feels the absence of joy and love and life with his serenely cautious wife and kids, and the awareness of life with this new woman.

What he needs is not a crazier woman to sacrifice his life for, but treatment for his depression. However, since the best home remedies for depression are sex, exercise, joy, and triumph, the dangerous damsel may be providing one or more of them in a big enough dose to make him feel a lot better. He may feel pretty good until he gets the bill, and sees how much of his life and the lives of his loved ones this treatment is costing.