Can you give me some advice please?

[RedHeadWife]

How are we programmed, hmmmm, good question. We're all obviously different in all sorts of ways, but I guess for me, maybe it was 1) the way I was raised to think about sex and 2) the fact that our self-image comes into play a lot and 3) after I had the kids, it was hard for me to discern between being the mom and the wife/woman which includes my R w/ H and SL.

After H dropped the D bomb, I truly looked at what was going on and knew/decided that if I wanted our M to continue I would need to change a lot of things and how I was thinking about them.

Not only did I step up to the plate on working on how I reacted to things (before I would get defensive/angry if H tried to talk to me about certain things) but also realized that the W is really the glue in the big family picture. We really do need to do it all and not be resentful about it which isn't always easy.

I lost a lot of weight during this time so therefore my self-image was taken care of. All of a sudden (was it the drama, thought of losing H or thought of OW being attracted to H, I don't know) but my drive went through the roof. At times, he would "reject" me and I saw how he had been feeling for years when I didn't want to have sex. Before it was kind of like I could live w/o it. I was tired and didn't want to take the time to bother with that. I have since realized how important it is in our R -- we need that to create the intimacy that needs to be there. He's not just my husband/father of my children, he's my partner and my best friend and I was putting our R on the back burner doing all of the other things -- kids, work, etc.

What do I think men want from their wives? Well, probably what we want too: an intimate, close relationship that isn't just the mommy/daddy relationship. Obviously, that includes an active, satisfying SL. It takes a lot of effort to keep that part going when you are focusing solely on raising the children. We have to learn to wear a lot of different hats.