Well, today is the day. We're meeting for lunch, and she's going to ask me for "space." Not only will I not agree to that, but if she thinks that I'm moving out, of my own house, she's nuts.
Interestingly, I went back to look for some old e-mails this morning, to see when the last time we went thru this was. Three years ago February (also the last time we ML )
The time before that? 3 years prior.
Before that? 3 years prior.
There seems to be a cycle of times when she feels restless.
When I get a chance, I may post some of those e-mails here. You will be stunned that we openly faced -- and committed to work on -- these exact same issues back then. Some people go thru their whole lives never even acknowledging their problems, must less communicating to their spouses, and committing to work on them.
We've done it 3 times since 2001, and yet we're now to separating or divorcing than ever.
First, Choc, I know I said some blunt things to you and I'm sorry if I was out of line. I'm still really a newcomer here, and I'm often not sure what to say to people. I admit that my harsh words to you were in part due to my frustration with my own sitch.
Having said that, I'm concerned about the keylogger. I hope your W never finds out about it. I understand the need to protect and check on her online activities. But honestly I found it a little creepy to read that you were reading her emails to you that she hadn't even sent yet.
Don't get me wrong, I COMPLETELY understand how you feel about having a window into her soul. That is a bit what it was like for me as a lurker reading cac's posts here. But this is a public forum. I know he would have been extremely upset if he found out that I was reading his emails via a keylogger. I would be if the shoe were on the other foot. Then again, I wasn't in your sitch with a probable cheating spouse.
I guess all I'm trying to say is to be VERY careful with the keylogger. I'd hate to see it cause damage to the progress you are making.
Also, FWIW, I agree with the posters advising you to take it slow with Mrs. Choc. It's got to be extremely overwhelming to her after years of indifference. Protect yourself, certainly, but don't completely overwhelm her either. I know, it's difficult to find that balance. I also understand your need to get right to work and FIX things. I have felt the same way. Patience, grasshopper. Now, if I can only follow my own advice...
Choc: Please don't go into the meeting EXPECTING anything and please don't go into the meeting already on the defensive. OK? If she asks for space, be calm, not defensive about it. You don't know exactly what she's thinking or feeling so don't ASSume anything.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I can understand you are a bundle of nerves right now so I will keep this short.
Go to lunch without a load of expectations or assumptions. Just be open.
Remember that the only person you can control is you, so make sure you are in control of you.
Make sure you are wearing your new "jacket".
Remember that this person sitting across from you is not your enemy. The path she is embarking on may be your enemy, but she is not so far down it that she still can't see the fork where she started.
Be firm but loving with your heart open to your wife.
Listen to her.
You will be fine.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
When I get a chance, I may post some of those e-mails here. You will be stunned that we openly faced -- and committed to work on -- these exact same issues back then. Some people go thru their whole lives never even acknowledging their problems, must less communicating to their spouses, and committing to work on them.
We've done it 3 times since 2001, and yet we're now to separating or divorcing than ever.
Sorry Choco. Good luck today. I know what you mean about having cycles of addressing the issues and then quickly falling back into bad patterns. Like Nop said, there's no magic to it, just hard work. LFL
I'm glad to see this finally hitting the fan. Now you will actually get some results. It looks as though the two of you have spent the last 20 odd years alienated from each other with you withdrawing and ignoring her to punish her and her having A's of one kind or another. This is your history but it can be eliminated and you can change its course. Good on ya for taking those first steps.
I agree with the gal who said you are sounding incredibly hot these days. You are appearing strong and fighter-like. Keep it up and don't forget to make yourself look as attractive as you can, if for no other reason than to remind her that you aint chopped liver.
I'm pulling for you friend and will try to stop in from time to time to cheer you on! I know you are scared to death but this sure looks like the first promising thing to happen to your sitch in the time I've known you. It's REAL and that was so lacking in your life before this. Hang in there and tell yourself how damned confident you are every day in the mirror so that you don't forget.
When you finally get the chance to talk to Mrs. Choc what about challenging her? Help her stop all the namby pamby "water under the bridge" talk and all the "space" talk. Tell her that you know she is scared but this is no time to be a sissy, that you thought she had more fight in her than that. Tell her that when you are both in the position of talking to your children about the realities of marriage before they walk down the aisle YOU plan of doing so from a perspectivce of KNOWING that you have given it your all - what about her? Does she really want to have to stand there and tell her daughters that she just needed the "little fix" of hearing a few empty compliments from some man to whom she has no shared history or commitment all while giving you, their father, some half azzed, "gee, I don't know" kind of answers. Does she really expect her children to think marriage is forever when she is choosing this kind of path? I am assuming that there is no violence here, no emotional abuse, no drug or alcohol abuse, no infidelity on your part, nothing more than simple marital neglect. Well, where I come from THAT is a pretty lame excuse for ending a marriage. Tell her that. Tell her that if you are going to end this marriage you only plan to do so from a position of personal integrity - that only comes from knowing you have tried EVERYTHING and failed. You thought she was the kind of person that felt the same.
Perhaps others will disagree with me but if my spouse won't fight then why should I? The man I married is made of better stuff than that. I realize that this sounds funny coming from someone with marital issues BUT I will say that many times when he has felt our family life being threatened by my work or other things he has acted quicklly and decisively to end the threat. Unfortunately, he just doesn't seem to put lack of sex in the same category. Essentially Choc, speak to her better self NOT the one that is hemming and hawing while putting your marriage in jeopardy.
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