Oh,Matilda, I'm tearing up right now, because our situations are so similar. My H too gave me two pages of how our assets should be divided. He asked me what I thought about it. This was early during our separation. I told him I wasn't going to give him an answer without thinking about it. Well, we have been separated for 7 months right now. Things seem to get better and he comes around and then he retreats. The past few days have been rough again he is again talking D. My advice to you is just don't talk about the financial things until you are served. My H has threatened about 3 times to file, but has yet to. I'm so sorry, I know how bad this hurts. It sounds like you enjoy your DD as much as I enjoy my DDs. Try to do fun things with her without depending on her too much. Sometimes I go out with friends by myself or sometimes with other mother/daughters. It's hard because all of my friends are married. I'm here for you.
Life's challenges are not supposed to paralyze you, they're supposed to help you discover who you are. -- Bernice Johnson Reagon
The one thing everyone has suggested to me is make a list for yourself and know what you have ,assets and finacially just in case he does something stupid and File. What you have to do is take care of you and your D right now. He is not thinking of you guys it is all him. He may never file but you never know what they are thinking because it isn't the guy who you used to know its this new person. I know its not what you want but try and look out for you and your D. I always think of what we have and I like I'm telling you I am starting to do those things or at least think about it a little just in case it comes to that and I want to have a direction because you know they have thought about it or he wouldn't have 2 pages for you. Don't talk about it like yoyo said with him but have yourself prepared and it will surprise him. You are on the offensive...
I want you to know I'm here for you too. They just don't think at all not with a conscience at all. Hang in there and I hope I can help you but I know I can give your support no matter what you do....Good luck.
Yesterday I talked to a lawyer. I actually had the appt before H mentioned "D"....thinking that I needed to take care of myself and D16. MY big question was whether or not I could legally move out of state during our separation (I was thinking I needed to make a decision before school starts in the fall). H called me at work and learned I was taking the morning off. He then called my cell twice. I didn't call him back just because I couldn't think of anything nice to talk about. He ended up showing up at my work at lunch time!
He guessed that I was at a lawyer's and was upset. He wants to go thru a mediator and avoid the high cost of lawyers. I explained that I would still need a lawyer and most of the lawyers I talked to last summer wouldn't take the word of a meditator so we'd have to pay both. He kept saying "If you went to a lawyer you must think I'm trying to screw you". I told him "for once in the past 30 years I am putting myself first!". He then went on to tell me all about his friend who had to pay $70,000 for a divorce. I also think he came up with my proposed maintenance fee based on his xow's settlement. Great source of information!
One positive thing is he thought about us moving out of state. He said that would make it impossible to have a R with D16. I was "bad" and said I didn't think that mattered because he didn't want to do things with her now. He got teary eyed so I know he does care. I have to rethink the idea of a move because I do feel D16 needs both of us! I actually have a call into her counselor to help me make a decision.
Off to work. I am beginning to tell my friends. Hate the idea that reality is setting in. Being dillusional has it's benefits!
Mat I don’t know why you are thinking of moving out of state, but I think it is wise to think of your D. For what ever reason in the future you don’t want something like “I couldn’t see my dad because you moved out of state” That is one thing from my first marriage that I did was I always kept the same phone number. Even though my XW did not really do things with my D’s before we were D she could NEVER say that she could not contact them because she couldn’t find us... Like I said you may have your reasons but think about your D and don’t give you H an excuse for not being there
H
And if I claim to be a wise man, well It surely means that I don't know
Appreciate your comments, husband. I agree that making it difficult to have the two of them get together could be harmful. Actually my D16 keeps saying she wants to move back to where we used to live. She is not happy in school and thinks she would be happier there. However, I realize that was 9 years ago and it wouldn't be the same anyway. I don't want D16 to think that running away is the answer to her problems either. At the time I was thinking a support system would help me (moving closer to family and friends) vs. staying here and being surrounded by H's family. It's too difficult to make a decision like that this soon. Matilda
Matilda, Good for you for not making a rash decisions like moving at this point. Moving closer to family in the end might be the right thing for you to do, maybe it is not. You have time.... Your D is probably finishing up the school year, then you will have the summer with her to decide what is best for the two of you.
Cl is right you are the strong one and H right now is to weak to fight so, carry the burden Detach as well as declutter don't answer all of his calls and make your self mysterious to him. DB like you have never done before. He hasn't filed has he? IT IS NOT DONE BY A LONG SHOT.
A PMA is the one thing that will help you. I know that it is so hard sometimes but it is we have.
JAK
You don't get to choose how you're going to die. Or when, you can only decide how you're going to live now. ~Joan Baez
I survived my first big challenge.....the birthday party for my BIL. The challenge was NOT going.....figured it would raise questions, especially from MIL, since it was family plus friends there. H had asked me not to go since it was a joint party for BIL and FF (that I have been jealous of "for no reason" according to H!). And why doesn't he understand why I feel like a lower priority??? H told everyone I wasn't feeling well.
D16 did go and said Grandma was the only one who asked about me. She probably has figured something is wrong because I haven't missed a party in 30 years! She is off for a trip today and will be gone 2 weeks. After that we'll have to talk.
I was actually ok!! Spent the time they were gone reading, napping, and generally relaxing. The only difficult part was when they got home (H came in just for a minute). Neither said anything about the party which made me feel like they had a pact not to talk.
Hope everyone is having a pleasant weekend. Matilda
