How are you? I know you're an icon on this board. it's been a long time. Can you take a look at my posts and se what you think? You told me a while ago "the door is not closed", but W. is more buttoned up than an Bradley Fighting vehicle in Anbar province. Tough week, said goodbye to all.
You provided some very sound advice to me in my thread earlier and I certainly appreciate it. I'm curious about something (anyone feel free to chime in if you will), how long does one utilized DB, Alpha Male and other tactics with a reasonable expectation of progress? I think I saw somewhere that you invested six months without seeing substantial results, and I'm sure everybody has a different story of their own. I would suppose it all depends on the WAW/H and how committed you are to serious DBing.
I see in some of your posts what I interpret at least as being a certain lingering resentment for you W having put you through all of this in the first place, which is something I fear God willing my sitch improves. I guess I shouldn't put the proverbial cart before the horse, but I can see what you mean.
Anyway, thank you for laying your story out there for all of us to learn from. You are a true inspiration and even though my own situation is bleak right now, I at least know that others have been where I am and have come out with their marriages and families intact.
DNQ
Me: 39 WAW: 40 S10, D7, S6 Bomb #1 - 12-24-06: Move out (ILYBNILWY - admitted '05 PA) Move back: 3-2-07 (W: I still want to be married to you) Bomb # 2 - 4-11-07: (W: Can't do this - never loved you) Move out again: 4-29-07 Dark: 6-8-07
You provided some very sound advice to me in my thread earlier and I certainly appreciate it. I'm curious about something (anyone feel free to chime in if you will), how long does one utilized DB, Alpha Male and other tactics with a reasonable expectation of progress?
As long as you can. Everyone has their limits. The thing is, as you build your ALphaness, your confidence, you'll slowly start to wonder what the hell is wrong with HER. To the point to where you see your time being wasted because you have such a positive future outlook for YOU.
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I see in some of your posts what I interpret at least as being a certain lingering resentment for you W having put you through all of this in the first place, which is something I fear God willing my sitch improves. I guess I shouldn't put the proverbial cart before the horse, but I can see what you mean.
Yes, and over time it becomes less and less. That's why the percentage of couples who survive this is so low - the 'aftermath' is a challenge to get through. But you can do it.[/quote]
Frank, thanks for the words above. I have never defined for myself what my limits are because my attitude is that I can weather any storm for the sake of my family. That, in and of itself, has to be one of the most Alpha things a person can do if you ask me. To me, divorce is not an option and I have always felt that way. I know it is not for me to totally control, but I am resolute in my desire to make this work. I see that theme from a great many on this forum.
So I got to thinking, you need to set up a PayPal account and start charging for some of your private advice and guidence. The business guy in me says you could make a killing! Sorry if you find that tacky or offensive, just having a bit of fun. Seriously though, your experience and the means by which you communicate it in a helpful and thoughtful manner for those of us beginning the journey makes me think you might find a new career path in this. Always look at the options, I guess.
Frank, thanks for the words above. I have never defined for myself what my limits are because my attitude is that I can weather any storm for the sake of my family. That, in and of itself, has to be one of the most Alpha things a person can do if you ask me.
Sometimes, 'weathering a storm' means weathering the storm that results from being the 'authority figure' in the family and making unpopular decisions.
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So I got to thinking, you need to set up a PayPal account and start charging for some of your private advice and guidence. The business guy in me says you could make a killing! Sorry if you find that tacky or offensive, just having a bit of fun. Seriously though, your experience and the means by which you communicate it in a helpful and thoughtful manner for those of us beginning the journey makes me think you might find a new career path in this. Always look at the options, I guess.
Yeah, well my current business ventures are not making money so maybe that can supplement my income!
Over the past couple years I've noticed these things:
1) The majority of people who find their way to this board are in a situation where the WAS is EXTREME. They are in an affair, or abusive, or both.
2) The Divorce Busting books are aimed at people who are in a relationship where the other person actually WANTS to do something to attempt to save the marriage. Yes, she makes the point that ONE person can make a difference BUT only if the other person is emotionally mature and actually WANTS to be in the relationship if it were 'better'.
3) DB'ing doesn't mean 'taking abuse'. The 'last resort' and 'going dark' are ways to measure whether or not the WAS has ANY feelings or desire to be in a relationship with the LBS. If they don't respond to EITHER then gee, they don't want to be in the relationship. It doesn't matter WHY, it just IS.
4) I mostly see the perspective of Men as WAS's and I've seen by example that if the men 'take back their balls' and act like MEN again, while also being sensitive to the emotional and mental issues their WAS's have that they have the best chance of starting a NEW relationship with their W's. If, while doing this their W's STILL crap on them then it is only a reflection on what losers THEIR W's are. Like I said once before, a W would have top be crazy or stupid not to realize that the LBS is a much better man that they were before.
5) 'Standing' for a marriage that doesn't exist is not 'standing' for anything. Almost every guy I've followed whose W has gone to some extreme, ran off and cut off communication, never had a healthy marriage to being with. At all. People don't 'suddenly' lose it. It was always there, it just needed the energy put into it to get it to finally rear its head.
6) Finally, there is the other situation where the WAW is still communicating, is hurt, angry, and very very confused. In my opinion that is when YOU (the LBS) need to suck up all the energy you can and become her 'counselor' and treat her like you would treat anybody who is lost, and needs a friend who will love them unconditionally (like COG did, like I did). Not 'give them space' for months and then wonder why things don't get better. When you can literally NOT be affected by any of the venom because you REALIZE you are dealing with someone who is mentally ill right now then you can help them find their way out of the pain.
OK Frank - Tell us a little more about #6. I believe at the beginning, we need to give WAS some space and then as you suggest, grow into the couselor role. But are you suggesting that a person has to be pro-active in that role? Or just be available to assume that role when WAS needs it? If you think we are to be proactive, can you maybe give an example on how you did it?
PS - You may need a new thread soon.
Me - 43 and She -36. No kids. Married 7 yrs - Together 14 yrs
