Afterall..... This IS my life IV for heatherg

[heatherg]

Thanks Blackfoot, your post felt like a warm blanket to me, very comforting. I'm glad to hear from you

I don't have a good feeling that H will respond to my email. Last night when I called to talk to the kids, he let the kids answer and hung up right after without waiting to see if I had anything to say to him. I didn't, but still. When he does those things, it makes me feel like I'm the one who's done something wrong. It's the weirdest and one of the most effective weapons in his aresenal-he gets mad at ME when he's done something wrong. Then I feel guilty for my reaction, or the way I handled things, or on and on. Takes the focus right off him lucky bastard. But not this time.

[**zuzu**]

Heather,

I have just started your thread. I will read more in depth later - I'm on my way out the door, but I found your story interesting.

I had a VERY similar conversation with my husband about potentially attending a Unitarian church. This was a couple years ago and I ended up just dropping it. Also, my 4 year old daughter has been a "Daddy's girl" since she was about a year and a half old! It hurts my feelings and creates added tension between us sometimes.

Also, my H tends to bring every mistake HE makes around to how I've hurt him. He has done this for years with all different manner of topics. He has done the same thing with friends and family.

I look forward to reading more later on.

[heatherg]

Hi Zuzu, thanks for posting. Yes, interesting is one word for my story About the parent preference. I'm going to pass on some advice that MrsNops gave me....when they are doing something together, don't shadow them. Find something to do. That helped me a lot...if my H and kids were having fun together or were connecting really well, if I just stood around watching it only made me feel left out. It helps tremendously to take that time and do something else.

Las Vegas is a happenin place that's for sure. People everywhere, doing all kind of stuff. I am staying at the Venetian and there is jewelry downstairs that costs half a million dollars. Crazy. We saw two people get arrested last night by undercover cops, that was interesting lol.

I'm struggling with sorting out what I should do right now. I drew a boundary on the porn, saying if I found it again we were done. I told him I would appreciate it if he would throw away the videos he had. Well, I didn't exactly find new porn and I'm not sure how to handle the fact that he still has the old stuff and is not willing to communicate either about that or about his habits in general. Are there some things that don't have to be discussed in M? Are there some things that you have to allow to be personal and not demand to know everything? I regret that I announced that we were over, that came out of my mouth as the thought entered my head...I never even contemplated saying it, it just came flying out. I regret it for two reasons. First, because I'm not sure if not disposing of the videos falls under the category of me finding 'it' again. Second, I regret it because I feel like at this point, if it's time to go, I just need to do it. No announcements necessary, we both know what's on the line.
I would appreciate some help sorting out my feelings before I go home. What Blackfoot said to me really hit home-you can't let someone expect more of you than they are willing to give. Another thing I heard recently that really stood out to me is that an important part of a relationship is liking who you are when you are with that person. I do not like the part of me that wants to let H step all over my boundaries because she doesn't want to leave. I have been so happy....I truly thought for the first time in a long time that we might be on our way back. No dramatic changes, just the willingness to communicate a little more on his behalf, his acceptance of my invitations to do things and we have made significant improvement (until now) in handling our disagreements. I see that as a result of my willingness to control my words/reactions/temper and his new willingness to communicate a little more.
Because I've been so happy I've allowed myself to get immersed in our future, I've put my heart back out there to be trampled on all over again. I let myself get my hopes up even though nothing dramatic or really significant has changed. Well, I thought something dramatic HAD changed though...him saying that he was no longer hunting down pictures of other naked women was a dramatic change. I just didn't know he lied about it and now it is too late to go back and change the fact that I let my hope of our future get away from me. It kills me to go back to the place we were two-three months ago.

What do you guys think? Is this just a backslide or is it more than that? Nops, I would especially appreciate your opinion, you've been such a motivating force to me in the recent past. I know H has read my email, but I did not get a reply today. Like I said, I really do not expect one.

[RedHeadWife]

Heather: you guys did sound like you were doing so well. Had he quit talking about D?

I think GEL is the best to address the porn issue, however, him saying "it's not up for discussion" sounds kind of like a backwards ultimatum to you. Kind of like "what are you going to do about it?"

I know I was so scared and still am. You said something about being happy w/ who YOU are in the relationship. I know when H dropped the D bomb, I was scared out of my mind. I never got to the point where I thought I would be ok because I still loved him!! Is this how you feel? He's a part of you? and the thought of being w/o him is scary?

That's something you can work on (and I'm trying to work on too) even if you two do continue to work on things when you get home. Are you going to try to call him or are you just going to wait to talk to him when you get home?

I guess the bottom line is that you need to figure out if YOU feel like he really crossed the boundary lines and if YOU really want it to be over. I'm getting the feeling you don't want it to be over with, but feel like he's done the damage to the point where you SHOULD want it to be over with.

That's where the "scared" part comes in maybe. You aren't ready to give up and move on, but he continues to lie and do the porn thing after you had told him that was not ok.

I would say this, don't let pride get in the way of still trying to work things out, however, he still needs to know that while you are working on things in the R, he needs to keep up his end of the bargain too. Find out why he hadn't gotten rid of the movies yet. Tell him "it's not up for discussion" to not get this out in the open and figure out what is really going on here. What does he want? Does he want to keep working on the M? Then he needs to uphold his promises to you.

[NOPkins]

Hi, Heather.

Quote:"What do you guys think? Is this just a backslide or is it more than that? Nops, I would especially appreciate your opinion, you've been such a motivating force to me in the recent past. I know H has read my email, but I did not get a reply today. Like I said, I really do not expect one."

Since you gave it a year, I would suggest something along the following lines.

"Hubby, I am sorry that I brought up divorce. I said I wouldn't do that, and I wish I hadn't. I would still appreciate it if you would consider my feelings on the porn. I am not trying to control you, I simply find the idea of it and your use of it disrespectful to me"

You can tell me if I am misreading, but it seems to me that you don't really want to throw in the towel yet. I hope that the above will help open up a dialog without you feeling like you are "giving in", yet again.

Please let me know what you think.

-NOPkins-

[heatherg]

you guys did sound like you were doing so well. Had he quit talking about D?

Well, it's me that usually brings up divorce. I said I would give things another year.

I never got to the point where I thought I would be ok because I still loved him!! Is this how you feel? He's a part of you? and the thought of being w/o him is scary?

Yes, that's very much how I feel. Plus there's also my kids. They are 4 and 6 and I can't imagine being without them, just this trip to Vegas is making me miss them terribly.

Are you going to try to call him or are you just going to wait to talk to him when you get home?

I think I'm just going to try to talk to him when I get home.

I'm getting the feeling you don't want it to be over with, but feel like he's done the damage to the point where you SHOULD want it to be over with.

This is exactly right. With the way he has treated me, how can I still love him? I disappoint myself because I always viewed myself as stronger than this.

I'm going to try to tell him that the 'not up for discussion thing' is not going to work, but I can't make him talk. Past history with H is that if he says it's not up for discussion only chinese water torture would make him talk. He is very stubborn.

[**zuzu**]

Heather,

I have read a good part of your story here and just wanted to say that I am pulling for you and thinking of you. I am so sorry you are having to deal with the "backsliding" that is happening right now.

I think in MANY ways, our H's personalities sound similar. Maybe long lost brothers?? lol

[heatherg]

Nops,
You're right, I don't want to throw in the towel. Like Cadesmom said above, I feel like I SHOULD want to throw in the towel. What if I never want to throw in the towel? It scares me to think I am going to live the rest of my life never quite feeling the full extent of happiness.

Ok, so I want to stay I guess. But how? How can I stay? And continue to sleep on the couch and because this issue has done so much damage, we will be back to doing our separate things, not speaking much, etc. It's a horrible way to live and the ups and downs of this are killing me.

I do know I will not be able to give as much effort as I have been....not nearly. I was loving him. That will not continue. I no longer have any desire to lose $10k for him by selling my truck. I don't want to be sexual with him because I truly have no idea what goes through his mind anymore, the trust is gone and had been gone for quite some time. It was not until he told me that it wasn't going on anymore that I started to feel loving and comfortable and hopeful and optimistic and cared for again.

Saying "I would still appreciate it if you would consider my feelings on the porn" doesn't give me any answers and that concerns me. He's apparently already considered it because this has been an issue for many, many years. I just didn't realize how much of an issue it was until I installed the key logger. I've confronted him SEVERAL times about this and he just uses my confrontations as ways to identify how to get better at hiding what he does because in confronting him I would reveal what I knew and how I found it. So, he'd get better at hiding it and I would let it go, out of sight out of mind. But come to find out, it never stopped.

One thing I haven't tried is doing more things out of the house. Maybe I should do more things like have a drink on Fridays with my fellow karate students...that got him really riled up when I did it last time. But maybe it will prove my point that if you don't respect my feelings then I won't respect yours. I wouldn't take it overboard but just enough to let him know that I am not considering him in my decisions anymore. I'm wondering if I should also take back my bed when I get home as a message that I am no longer willing to let him place me one step down.

I guess I feel like I've said all the words I can say, except maybe to acknowledge that I told him I would be in for another year and than I will be. Nops what do you think about speaking with my actions instead?

[heatherg]

Thanks Zuzu. Sometimes I wonder if it's really supposed to be this hard, ya know?

[heatherg]

Hey, forgot to mention that I saw the Blue Man group tonight. Very cool, I loved the music!! Plus, we got our tickets for free, which is amazing. My coworker and I were getting in line to buy tickets and there were two people waiting to sell two tickets so we said sure, we'd buy them from them so they wouldn't have to lose their money but then we remembered that neither of us had enough cash and we were going to need to use our cards so we said 'sorry' because there was not enough time to go to the ATM or we would be late for the show. I guess because time had run out, a few minutes later, they came up to us and offered us the tickets for FREE. I tried to give him the money I had in my wallet, but he wouldn't take it. So we each got $130 tickets for free. Isn't that nice? I'll pay it forward Friday night b/c I have an extra ticket to the Buddy Guy concert being my H didn't come with me so I'll give it away at the door.