Nops, You're right, I don't want to throw in the towel. Like Cadesmom said above, I feel like I SHOULD want to throw in the towel. What if I never want to throw in the towel? It scares me to think I am going to live the rest of my life never quite feeling the full extent of happiness.
Ok, so I want to stay I guess. But how? How can I stay? And continue to sleep on the couch and because this issue has done so much damage, we will be back to doing our separate things, not speaking much, etc. It's a horrible way to live and the ups and downs of this are killing me.
I do know I will not be able to give as much effort as I have been....not nearly. I was loving him. That will not continue. I no longer have any desire to lose $10k for him by selling my truck. I don't want to be sexual with him because I truly have no idea what goes through his mind anymore, the trust is gone and had been gone for quite some time. It was not until he told me that it wasn't going on anymore that I started to feel loving and comfortable and hopeful and optimistic and cared for again.
Saying "I would still appreciate it if you would consider my feelings on the porn" doesn't give me any answers and that concerns me. He's apparently already considered it because this has been an issue for many, many years. I just didn't realize how much of an issue it was until I installed the key logger. I've confronted him SEVERAL times about this and he just uses my confrontations as ways to identify how to get better at hiding what he does because in confronting him I would reveal what I knew and how I found it. So, he'd get better at hiding it and I would let it go, out of sight out of mind. But come to find out, it never stopped.
One thing I haven't tried is doing more things out of the house. Maybe I should do more things like have a drink on Fridays with my fellow karate students...that got him really riled up when I did it last time. But maybe it will prove my point that if you don't respect my feelings then I won't respect yours. I wouldn't take it overboard but just enough to let him know that I am not considering him in my decisions anymore. I'm wondering if I should also take back my bed when I get home as a message that I am no longer willing to let him place me one step down.
I guess I feel like I've said all the words I can say, except maybe to acknowledge that I told him I would be in for another year and than I will be. Nops what do you think about speaking with my actions instead?
"Happiness is a butterfly, which, when pursued, is always just beyond your grasp, but which, if you will sit down quietly, may alight upon you."
