Afterall..... This IS my life IV for heatherg

[heatherg]

Hi Zuzu, thanks for posting. Yes, interesting is one word for my story About the parent preference. I'm going to pass on some advice that MrsNops gave me....when they are doing something together, don't shadow them. Find something to do. That helped me a lot...if my H and kids were having fun together or were connecting really well, if I just stood around watching it only made me feel left out. It helps tremendously to take that time and do something else.

Las Vegas is a happenin place that's for sure. People everywhere, doing all kind of stuff. I am staying at the Venetian and there is jewelry downstairs that costs half a million dollars. Crazy. We saw two people get arrested last night by undercover cops, that was interesting lol.

I'm struggling with sorting out what I should do right now. I drew a boundary on the porn, saying if I found it again we were done. I told him I would appreciate it if he would throw away the videos he had. Well, I didn't exactly find new porn and I'm not sure how to handle the fact that he still has the old stuff and is not willing to communicate either about that or about his habits in general. Are there some things that don't have to be discussed in M? Are there some things that you have to allow to be personal and not demand to know everything? I regret that I announced that we were over, that came out of my mouth as the thought entered my head...I never even contemplated saying it, it just came flying out. I regret it for two reasons. First, because I'm not sure if not disposing of the videos falls under the category of me finding 'it' again. Second, I regret it because I feel like at this point, if it's time to go, I just need to do it. No announcements necessary, we both know what's on the line.
I would appreciate some help sorting out my feelings before I go home. What Blackfoot said to me really hit home-you can't let someone expect more of you than they are willing to give. Another thing I heard recently that really stood out to me is that an important part of a relationship is liking who you are when you are with that person. I do not like the part of me that wants to let H step all over my boundaries because she doesn't want to leave. I have been so happy....I truly thought for the first time in a long time that we might be on our way back. No dramatic changes, just the willingness to communicate a little more on his behalf, his acceptance of my invitations to do things and we have made significant improvement (until now) in handling our disagreements. I see that as a result of my willingness to control my words/reactions/temper and his new willingness to communicate a little more.
Because I've been so happy I've allowed myself to get immersed in our future, I've put my heart back out there to be trampled on all over again. I let myself get my hopes up even though nothing dramatic or really significant has changed. Well, I thought something dramatic HAD changed though...him saying that he was no longer hunting down pictures of other naked women was a dramatic change. I just didn't know he lied about it and now it is too late to go back and change the fact that I let my hope of our future get away from me. It kills me to go back to the place we were two-three months ago.

What do you guys think? Is this just a backslide or is it more than that? Nops, I would especially appreciate your opinion, you've been such a motivating force to me in the recent past. I know H has read my email, but I did not get a reply today. Like I said, I really do not expect one.