Can I ask how you feel too? How does it feel to be piecing? Do you feel "there" or is it still a journey? Do any of the bad feelings still resurface from time to time? How do you deal with them? (sorry, it's the Spanish Inquisition!!)
Jen, darling, you can ask me anything, anytime! To answer your questions:
Heck, yeah, I still see this as a journey. To be honest, I'm not sure if it ever ends. At best, I expect it probably cycles between "stretch, grow, and push out of the comfort zone" and "give yourself a break for a while and just be". The danger, at least for me, is to settle into that comfortable place too long, where it stops being a rest and starts being a rut.
As far as the bad feelings - of course they do pop up every now and then. Usually, they are prompted by something that my W does - perhaps she is a little withdrawn or unaffectionate, or she gets so focused outside of the M that I worry she's losing interest. BUT - and this is the trick for me - I throw up that big stop sign and get out of the paranoid mindset as quickly as I can. In the Bad Old Days, pre-bomb, I know that one of the mistakes we both made was to withdraw from each other. It was a viscous circle. The most blatant example of that was in bed: W would not be interested, I would take it as a personal insult, I would lose interest myself, W would that THAT as a personal insult - it just spiraled from there, in unpleasant little baby steps.
Now, when W withdraws a bit I stop and think, and reach one of two conclusions. First, it really does have something to do with me - in which case, I'm much better at getting to the bottom of it and addressing whatever I may have done or not done. Second, it has NOTHING to do with me - which is honestly the case MOST of the time. Then, instead of sulking off to my cave, I can offer support and encouragement for her. A much healthier and happier way to resolve things!
Originally Posted By: rainbowlove
Well, call me if you get a chance...
Hi rainbow! I apologize that I haven't called - will try to do that soon. What times of the day work best for you?
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Had a bit of roller coaster the last couple of weeks.
First, we had been trying to line up a picnic at a local park with the band parents, to come after the kids marched in the Memorial Day parade. Well, this got screwed up by some real off-again on-again stuff that was due to (a) our band director being a crappy communicator and (b) me not recognizing that and taking the bull by the horns soon enough. As a result, the picnic invites got sent out waaaay later than they should have, and very few people RSVPed, and we decided to cancel. This had W very down, and POed at me for dropping the ball - started hearing some of the old spew about being too passive, etc. So, when we decided to cancel, I suggested we have a few families that WERE interested over to our house for a smaller cookout. We decided to try that - I got right on the phone and started calling them - and it worked out really well. Had a nice little crowd over and it was a great time.
In the same timeframe, though, W has been noticeably withdrawn. Very little cuddling, hugging, kissing, ILYs. Kinda crabby and down and not wanting to hang out much. The real low point was one night when we were going to bed, and I rolled over to snuggle - and she basically freaked out and pushed me away. Then said "Sorry, I'm feeling kind of prickly." No sh!t! We both retreated to our sides of the bed and went to sleep at that point.
Well, I started going back to The Dark Place in my head, letting those crappy thoughts creep in. It was interesting, 'cause they were different than a year ago. Maybe 50 percent was the old panicky feelings that she's giving up on our M, which totally overwhelmed me post-bomb. But the other 50 percent was a new set of feelings, along the lines of "Screw this, I'm not going through that whole d@mn thing again. If she's going to start laying everything on me and MLCing - well, let her walk. I deserve better." Just to be clear, this latter stuff was not 'empowered, control my own life' kind of thinking - it was bitter, sad, and angry.
Took me a good couple days of fighting through that to get my PMA back on. Looked back at myself at the height of my DBing days, and admitted that I have 'relaxed' a bit since then. I won't say 'backslid all the way to the old me' by a long shot - but I've allowed the fact that things were going better, and there was less mind-blowing pressure, to let me coast a bit. On the one hand, I guess it's time to crank up my GALing and stuff again. On the other hand, I'm not going to feel guilty over not living my entire life in a pressure cooker - it's impossible to keep up that level of frantic energy forever.
W has cheered up a bit too. Not quite a Ray of Sunshine yet, but moving in the right direction. We had a nice long walk last night where we both unloaded about stressful stuff at our jobs (which I think was a contributing factor to all of this). I think we'll be OK, but it was just a bit of an eye-opener for me that maybe she still harbors doubts and fears herself that she mostly hides and waits.
On the other hand, when we talk about the future, about finances, about our plans for the summer, about how things are going with our D15 - well, she gives every indication that she's in it for the long haul. (Remember, she has never once said to me "I'm back for good" or anything nice and clear like that. It's always unspoken, which is frustrating but I'm still continuing with my DBing principle of not pursuing.)
Anywho, I guess I'm simply sharing my experiences, which echo that Piecing really can be just as tough as some of my best pals here (SD and Jen) have found. Expect the fun to continue if you get to this point! But, having said that - it's still where I want to be, and I am grateful every day that I am lucky enough to have made it this far.
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Hey Rob. Sorry to hear that you have had a rough couple weeks. Sounds like you handled it well. I see this as a give and take situation. Sure you need to stay on top of things and be doing what you want to do...BUT she has to also become more accpeting of you and support you even when you fall down. Pressure cooker is right. Not fair and that will most likely have to be dealt with at some point. However, you are most likely right that she still harbors some doubts, etc...which would really make it nearly impossible for her to be very accepting...because she is scared of you slipping back into your old ways.
Welcome to the psycho club, Rob. What I've found is that this whole experience does a real mindf*ck on us which stays with us loooong after our S thinks things are over and done with. They end up looking at us like *we're* crazy aliens.
Glad you got back on the PMA/GAL bandwagon which is what I'm struggling to do. When I'm struggling to figure things out, I tend to retreat into my head to process things...which isn't exactly the best thing. I'm trying though....really just in sort of a holding pattern. H has stepped up the game a bit, so that's good.
Keep up your awesome PMA!
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Hey Rob!! Sorry I didn't post until now. This is all normal... SD had it right with Post traumatic Stress .... I think we will be on our guard for some time to come... I know I am (although more later, have to update my own thread with good news).
When you say "well if she's going to lay all that on me again I'll walk" I don't think that is necessarily a bad thing... it lead me to think "am I REALLY happy with myself, am I being the person I wanted to?". if the answer is no then carry on working on yourself and hope that the WAS will follow... if the answer is yes then detach, detach, detach .... it's all about not letting THEIR moods affect US. hard, I know.
Chin up Rob - you are a true DB master and will come though this, bouncing back bigger and stronger.
Bomb (ILYBINILWY, don't want to be married)Sept05 Seperated Sept/Oct 05 Oct 06 - H recomitted July 11 - I am now a WAW.
I'm wondering if you have any tips on dealing with the OP. Have you dealt with the OM? Does it still bother you? I'm wondering b/c that's a huge problem for ME. I can't figure out how to let it go...to H's credit, he's been wonderful. He's completely open about everything, and I have no reason to suspect anything. However, on days like today, when he's working on a project for work (where that stupid ho snatch no good LW works as well) and I see a picture of her for a presentation he's working on (her department), it just brings it all back to me.
I know it's my problem, but I don't know what to do. I'd like to be able to not let her bother me, but she does.
Advice from Rob the Amazing?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!
Hi SD, Well, I've been very fortunate, in that OM lives 2 hours north of here and I have not seen him once since this whole thing started. Not sure what I would do if I ever did bump into him - I guess it depends on what kind of weapons were handy and if there were any witnesses (just kidding... mostly!) Honestly, I am grateful for not having to deal with him - I can't imagine how difficult that would be. I have managed to forgive W, but I'm not so "amazing" that I think I will ever forgive that SOB.
Which is a good lead-in to my latest update. First, a little history:
For my birthday in late April, W had planned to take me on a nice weekend getaway that included riding bikes on one of our favorite bike paths, up near Cleveland. Due to scheduling, that got delayed and delayed. Well, that got put off for one reason or another (little did I realize what was brewing) and finally got rescheduled as a ride only (no romantic getaway) on June 9.
Well, that afternoon, there were thunderstorms and we just went out to dinner, where W was really acting weird and - to make a long story shorter - I got bombed that night.
One more thing, I later learned that W's trips to that same bike trail with her "just friend" OM were more than friendly.
OK, so, jump ahead to this weekend - with Saturday being the 1-year anniversary of The Bomb.
I had done a pretty good job of talking myself out of being down about the anniversary thing, and W and I were making plans for the weekend. I wound up spending most of Saturday staining the deck (something W really wanted done - and Acts of Service is her #1 LL so I felt good about that.)
Sunday, we had to drive a couple of hours to take D15 to a band camp up near Cleveland, and W suggested that we take advantage of being just a few miles from the bike trail near there. Yes, THAT bike trail. Now, in the back of my mind, all sorts of stuff went on - did she realize the anniversary thing? If so, what did that mean? etc. etc. etc. Before long, I succeeded in putting up the ol' STOP sign and just taking it for a nice day out with W.
And we did have a really nice time, with one little incident. We drove to a bike shop/snack bar on the trail and were getting ready to go, when a familiar figure came around the corner. A guy with dark hair and glasses who we both knew. For about two seconds, my mind totally overloaded - I was just SURE that it was OM! Then he came a little closer and I realized that it was a DIFFERENT dark-haired, glasses-wearing biker we knew, the dad of one of D15's schoolmates. It took me a sec to regain my composure, then all was cool. Whew! So, to answer your question, SD - I learned that I honestly have NO IDEA how I would deal with that scumbag if I ever encountered him, other than those two seconds of utter mind-numbing panic. I'm afraid that's probably not too helpful... I'll hop over to your thread and we can continue this topic there, OK?
The other thing going on this weekend was that W was struggling with feeling down through a lot of it - a combination of job stress and monthly hormonal crashing. I felt like I did great with keeping my PMA up, listening & validating, and offering suggestions for how she might handle the job stuff without crossing the line and 'fixing'. Feeling good today!
Thread #10 22 year M, MLC, Piecing since 1/07 Goal: Live with confidence & enthusiasm!
Thanks for the comment on my thread about OP. I'm glad I'm "normal," whatever that is.
Glad you handled your bombiversary well. What a strange bunch of events that led you to that spot...my views of the universe and there being no coincidences lead me to believe this was an important event to experience to move you forward in your M.
So...do you think you'll ever talk about OP w/W? I forget--are you guys in MC? I have friends who are getting married soon, and I was thinking about buying them a gift certificate for therapy. Honestly, I think all couples should be in therapy for the first 10 years with periodic checkups afterward. Best thing ever.
How are you doing?
SD
Me: 40 H: 43 H had EA from 2/06-9/06 Bomb 5/06 Piecing since 9/2006 3/2008: Boundary setting 7/2009: Boundary crossing~dropped my own bomb. 8/2010: Marriage finally on track!