Well, the way I'm seeing it is you need to just back way off, whether that's what you want to or not. I learned the hard way in my sitch (and you can look at Choc's right now too) that we can't always have what WE want immediately. After all, we are the ones choosing to DB and save our M's and sometimes that makes us the ones willing to take a bit more of everything than others may or may not put up with.
Don't get me wrong, not saying be a doormat whatsoever, but what about just not initiating convos like the above for awhile? No R talk for awhile. Just go along "as if" everything is wonderful and you are just so happy, happy. Initiate sex and love it. Love him, do things for him and act "as if" nothing is out of the ordinary.
I know, I know, this may kinda suck. We want THEM to put in some effort too, however, that may not happen right away. Figure out what you have been doing that has caused the arguments and tension and do a 180 on those things.
The line I love is "be the woman/wife that he would never want to leave!"
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
If you want reciprocal positive behavior, why don't you start it yourself? Rather than criticizing him when he doesn't do what you would like, REALLY SINCERELY appreciate it when he does do something you like, and share that appreciation enthusiastically.
So, rather than b*tching at him in that email, you might have said: "H, I loved your kiss this morning, it was so sensual and hot. Your energy is just amazing sometimes."
Ok, I totally get it. I don't like it, but this gives me a perfect example of what I NEED to do as well as at least one place I've been screwing up. Thanks, guys.
So, as I said, I heard Oldtimer's words as soon as I sent it, and realized what I did. He called me, said he was "replying" to my email. He said he was sorry, he didn't mean it any certain way. Asked if I could respect that sometimes he is just at work. I said yes, I totally get that, but like I said, *tone* doesn't take any longer. He said ok, but I seemed to need this kind of stuff a lot (probably an important thing for me to remember). I said I realize that, he's probably right and I'll try to just let those things go when he's at work. But I asked him to be careful of HOW he says things and how he responds to me, because it does make a difference. We both agreed. I told him I remembered that his favorite shows were on tonight and I planned to have the kids busy so he could have some time to watch them, etc. We ended it on a positive note.
Next I read the replies from you guys. I placed a 2nd call just telling him I love him and I was sorry, I realized later what I did was not helpful to things. I was acting in a way I didn't like. He was nice back and I said I was looking forward to a margarita with him tonight! I then said, "I really liked your kiss this morning." He said, "thanks." I don't know why I can't say something "hotter." I will try. It feels very unnatural to me. I need to try though.
Since Joey has not been a total WAS, I have had a hard time seeing how the DR stuff was applying to me. Now I do better. When things improved for a short bit, I started feeling like I was ready for him to start giving to me, but I realize now that it's going to take even more patience at that point, because he likely won't be ready. Ugh. I will try and focus on the positive. There ARE good things going on, even if it's not picture perfect like I want it.
Hey girl -- just keep trying and step out of the box! I sent H a "what I would like to be doing to you right now" email that was totally out of character. He said his mouth dropped to the floor and he couldn't concentrate anymore thinking about what I had said
Anyway, now, with the call, you need to STOP and the second call, STOP!!!!! You are "needing" too much right now. Read the DB book again and just step back a little bit. Let things play out and just act like nothing is wrong w/ you guys. Just let things be and see what happens. Just love him, don't over-do it, and step back & see how things play out. You may be almost forcing him into being irritated/angry/thinking about things too much. Just let it be for awhile.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
I let out a big sigh after reading your message. Laughing at myself a little too. I SEE what I'm doing finally. I guess it was a first step in the right direction that I at least RECOGNIZED what I did. The call afterwards was to TRY and smooth over the "bitching" I had done.
I'm going to TRY and bust out of my box in the intimacy dept. Geez, WHY is this so hard for me?
Ok, I'm making Curry Chicken & Noodles, plan on having margaritas and am mowing the lawn tonight, (which he hates to do) and he can play with the kids and watch tv. I will jump on him tonight too. It's hard to do things like this and not expect something in return but I see now that that's a major thing I need to work on. Thanks so much for the advice!!
The intimacy dept. is a hard one when we are kind of "programmed" not to see ourselves "that way." When and if you can change your thinking is when you can step out of your comfort zone. I guess for me it was the thought of losing my H and the thought of OW (plural) finding him attractive, sexy, etc., I realized how sexy & attractive I found him and how much I actually enjoyed sex and how different it was and obviously more enjoyable when I could just let go and let it be instead of "thinking" too much.
I guess for me too it was the way I was raised to see and think about sex. My parents acted like it was something dirty -- they would actually fast-forward through sex scenes in movies even when I was older b/c it would embarrass them.
There are a lot of hang-ups for women when it comes to sex. I don't think C is always necessary. If you can see where your thinking is coming from and how you got to how & why you got to that thinking, you can sometimes reverse it or begin to see things differently.
Sometimes too if you just DON'T think so much, that works too. Just some thoughts on the intimacy/sex hang up that we seem to share.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Well, the evening went very well, I think. Did everything as planned. Had some quickie sex, then took a shower. Got all dolled up for the REAL sex and waited, waited, waited. Figured he was hanging out at the computer for a bit before coming to bed. Then saw D4 still up. Apparently, he HAD put her to bed, but she kept getting up. He finally came to bed, I said I had been waiting for him and he was totally surprised. Thought we'd already done it! So we had some nice lovin' again. He was VERY tired afterward and pretty much conked out. I'm tired myself now, so not really thinking of all the relevant details, but seemed to go well tonight. Thanks for your help, guys!!
Yep, working on that myself -- quit the thinking!! Try to just stay positive.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
How are we programmed, hmmmm, good question. We're all obviously different in all sorts of ways, but I guess for me, maybe it was 1) the way I was raised to think about sex and 2) the fact that our self-image comes into play a lot and 3) after I had the kids, it was hard for me to discern between being the mom and the wife/woman which includes my R w/ H and SL.
After H dropped the D bomb, I truly looked at what was going on and knew/decided that if I wanted our M to continue I would need to change a lot of things and how I was thinking about them.
Not only did I step up to the plate on working on how I reacted to things (before I would get defensive/angry if H tried to talk to me about certain things) but also realized that the W is really the glue in the big family picture. We really do need to do it all and not be resentful about it which isn't always easy.
I lost a lot of weight during this time so therefore my self-image was taken care of. All of a sudden (was it the drama, thought of losing H or thought of OW being attracted to H, I don't know) but my drive went through the roof. At times, he would "reject" me and I saw how he had been feeling for years when I didn't want to have sex. Before it was kind of like I could live w/o it. I was tired and didn't want to take the time to bother with that. I have since realized how important it is in our R -- we need that to create the intimacy that needs to be there. He's not just my husband/father of my children, he's my partner and my best friend and I was putting our R on the back burner doing all of the other things -- kids, work, etc.
What do I think men want from their wives? Well, probably what we want too: an intimate, close relationship that isn't just the mommy/daddy relationship. Obviously, that includes an active, satisfying SL. It takes a lot of effort to keep that part going when you are focusing solely on raising the children. We have to learn to wear a lot of different hats.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
