I don't know about the "control" thing -- whether you had it, have it, your W has it, etc. I think you are feeling a tremendous amount of insecurity all of a sudden. All of a sudden you realize you want your M and your W back and maybe that's not going to happen. Now you are scared AND you are thinking too much!!!
The emails were good and now you are thinking too much and getting yourself all worked up.
Go back and review what you said in the email. Being alpha is all great & wonderful, but what I think you were conveying in your emails was also tenderness and compassion and finally understanding that you two need to do something.
Don't make this into something it doesn't HAVE to be. Don't make it more dramatic, etc. than it has to be. Go into the lunch/convo not necessarily w/ tactics, etc., but with what you want to convey to your W and keep it simple. You love her, you want the both of you to work on your M together, you want to go to C and work through all of your issues, if there is OM, that's not ok anymore, etc. Keep it simple and don't start getting too overbearing with her or she's going to feel like you are all of a sudden being controlling and telling her what she can & can't do and that could backfire.
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
