Well, the Chit's About to Hit the Fan, Folks...

[Stigmata]

" I've pretty much already been doing without getting most of my physical and emotional needs met, so the fact that we're even talking is gravy to me at this point."

Come on, Choco. There goes PA Choc. You aren't the victim here. Your M is. And you and your W are both the perpetrators.


Maybe if I shift your perspective you will see better about pursuing out of desperation and not out of clean emotion.

You have not had sex with your W in 3 years. She is a moddy cloud of resentment. One day a young hottie sales girl at your office starts connecting with you over lunch.

She's fun. She has all sorts of ideas as to how to change your diet to feel better. And she's a phenom in the sales commissions. She pays a lot of flattering attention to you.

Your W suddenly wakes up after 3 years and realizes she wants more from your M. She starts suspecting you may be involved to some degree with young sales girl from your office, juding from her key logger and your texts.

One day a colorful gift box with your favorite cologne pops up and is sitting on your desk. Of course the sales girl sees it and asks who it's from.

"Phyllis." Sorry, Choc. you need a laugh ya big lug. /:/)

Anyway, how are you going to feel the more and more your W starts cooing to you, buying you tokens, and wanting to talk about how you both need to talk about improving your R? Being super duper nice when last week she was an A-1 grouch to you?

You're gonna get a little creeped out by her sudden change, then scared that if you have already crossed the line to some degree with sales girl she will find out and you can't have evidence staring you in the face via maybe inappropriate text messages to indict your guilty conscience.

Then at some point you are going to see your W's sudden desire to pursue you only once she feels threatened by sales girl and you are going to get angry.

You would feel angry that your W is interested in you, shown by her neglect of you for years, only when she has a very real chance of losing you.

And, like your W's current frame, through all of this you feel it is because of you that your W has been so unhappy all these years.

That's why neediness and pursuing with the usual love fare comes off as last ditch manipulation and not from a pure place.

Choc, you HAVE to start with you. Improve yourself in every area of your life. And do it for you, not W.

I would suggest you start by giving your W loving smiles when you come home or run into her out and about. I'm sure you did this every time you saw her when you first started dating, no?

Physiologically, smiles have been shown to actually chemically elevate mood in the person smiling.

Start here. Baby steps. Pursue making yourself into da man.

And, yes, by all means, cry in the shower. I did. Convuslive types. And I'm not ashamed to admit that. And I did more than I ever imagined.

-Stigmata-