Needed: A Big Dose of Reality

[RedHeadWife]

Ok, guys, please slap me upside the head. I need to get rid of all the negative thinking, but I just can't seem to get there b/c I don't feel like I'm getting anything in return for all of my efforts.

H is now deployed for a year. He will be home for a month, but that's not until Dec. Then the backside of the year will be pretty short.

I have been sending emails daily w/ pics of the boys and sending cards in the mail about 2 a week, some of them before he even left -- he had our anniversary card on our anniversary which was Monday to open on that day (mine's still in the mail).

I did send a "what I would like to be doing to you right now" email last night and he reacted very positively to it this a.m. when I talked to him. Said his mouth dropped to the floor and now he's having a hard time concentrating b/c he keeps thinking about x, y & z from my email.

Ok, so here's my issue: I don't feel like he's putting any effort into trying to make me feel loved, secure, etc. after all that has happened (D bomb, EA, etc.) and now w/ him being gone. He doesn't email me. Just reads my emails and doesn't respond as most of it is just catching him up on everything that's going on, not necessarily questions for him to answer. He calls maybe once a day and that's it. He has a local phone # through Vonage so it's no big deal to call. He could call me at work just to say hi when he gets off work (big time difference), but doesn't do anything like that.

So am I being overly sensitive and do what I keep telling myself to do: stay positive and worry about what I'm doing for him and hopefully one day he will reciprocate. Realize that it's different for him over there and who knows what he is doing, etc. and is probably just trying to keep himself busy so he isn't homesick, etc.?

I know this may sound like a bunch of whining, but I'm really having a hard time w/ all of this. I'm still so insecure about the EA, D bomb, etc. I'm still reeling from all of it and now am trying to continue to DB and work on our R long distance, but I'm not really getting any feedback from him. When we do talk on the phone, he says he loves me, misses me and his tone of voice is loving, etc., but like I said I get maybe one phone call a day.

What are your thoughts as outsiders? Am I really just being overly sensitive?

[EmtnRllrCstr]

I do not know about anybody else but I would be thrilled if I got one phone call a day, then the bonus of your spouse saying that he misses you and that he loves you - wow! Sorry for the sarcasim...I did not intend to come off that way it is just the way my thoughts were typed out.

I can understand the difficulties and insecurities that you are going through. From what I have read you are doing a great job and should be proud of yourself for staying strong through all that you have endured. Continue be the great mom that you are to your boys. GAL as best you can. This will only make your H miss you and his boys more.

-EmtnRllrCstr

[chicki]

I agree w/ EMT be thankful he says those things!!! What somem of would do to hear those words!

Hey be greatful he is away from the OW too! I wish my man was still in the military this was he would get away and "think" without the OW around.

[lovelyolive]

Cades... of course you're not being overly sensitive. I think the thing is that every single one of us wants to be back to the place where we feel secure in our M. Whether we are piecing or just learning about an A or struggling in limbo-land, we all yearn for that safe place again and are willing to do whatever it takes to get there.

With that said, maybe all of the contact that you are initiating is enough for him right now. Are your expectations unrealistic? What if you backed off the communication and see what happens and if he initiates contact with you...

[ourcrisis]

I do not think you are oversensitive. I think h at this time think it is good enough that he is not filing and is "back". I also feel like I am doing all the work and getting nothing in return. The reason is (I am telling myself also) we think now it's h's turn to be nice when in reality, we will have to do the work and expect nothing in return. It sucks but that's the way it is. It is great already that h is calling once a day. Praise him on that (remember dog training). I am pushing my h to do things. He is doing it but I can tell he does not like it. I need to let go, and detach. If he does any little things, praise him BIG TIME. I do know that works for me except sometimes it seems so fake, ha ha. But it works because my h would follow with more good actions.

[RedHeadWife]

Ok, here's the sitch. I didn't email or call last night or this a.m. He sent an email to S7 this a.m., but nothing for me personally. What's that about? I kind of feel like he's still just staying for the boys and I'm praying that his heart just continues to warm to ME and how important I AM to him, not just the boys. He had also told me yesterday a.m. he would call today a.m. so he could talk to the boys as we had spoken yesterday a.m., but he didn't do that either.

My heart just hurts, guys. Honestly. I know maybe I'm reading into stuff, but some sort of support and/or acknowledgment of ME would be nice. I guess I'll just wait & see what happens.

I'm not going to say anything or start being bitchy or anything. I'm just going to wait & see what he does next as far as calling me for a change or sending me an email or something. I'm also interested to see what kind of anniversary card I'll get. Unfortunately, during the D sitch, he had said he had gotten to the point where he didn't want to get me mushy ILY cards anymore so I'm waiting to see if I get another funny, funny, ha, ha card. This just kind of sucks. Bottom line is not knowing what he's thinking/feeling, etc.

[RedHeadWife]

Sent the following email, kind of leading but maybe not at all accusatory?

love you and miss you a lot, babe. We're all doing ok here. How are you doing? Haven't heard much from you as to how you are doing, etc. Miss talking to you every night over our before bed smokes

[limbo]

C...I have a question, and maybe try to be the voice of reason alittle bit.

Your H is deployed in Irac, right...is he actually seeing combat or is he there is some other Capacity?
The reason I ask, is maybe at times it wount be that easy for him to be in contact with you, I am sure there will be times that communication could be effected.

I know that its easier said then done, and how hard it is to read feelings when you are seperated as you are, but try and stay positive, he reacted well to your intimate email...maybe he know communication will be monitored in some way and doesn't want to show to much emotion...who knows.

Don't push him, keep things light, make him long to come home, to a happy stable home.

[RedHeadWife]

I know, I know and that's what I promised myself before he left -- I'm just going to be supportive and loving to him while he's away. I think that was lacking in his first deployment which ended in an EA while he was there. I'm not going to tell him how S3 had nightmares last night and was crying out for daddy in his sleep. I'm just going to shoulder the bad stuff and stay positive w/ him. It's just harder than it normally would be in light of the D bomb in January & the EA, etc., but I guess I'm glad it happened that way or we would not be in the good place I think we are right now. He would be more likely to have another A if he had left and we hadn't worked through things when we did. I guess I just wish I had a bit more reassurance that things truly are ok, you know?

[limbo]

I do know! believe me! I want H to tell me all the time! but he doesn't, I think its just the way men are built I think, they just assume we know and that they shouldn't have to say it!!
I am learning to deal with this, but its hard! I want to be told!

You are in such a difficult spot, but the positive approach is good, although I wouldn't cut him off from whats really going on completely, as you don't want him to think you don't need him, you will just have to play that one by ear!