"If she tries to bring up my past indifference, say "I can't prevent the past. I've apologized to you for it, as you have to me, and all we can do now if focus on the PRESENT, and what we can do now to rebuild our marriage and our relationship." "
This is excellant. its a second step though. First you do need to hear her vent. the only way you are going to hear the truth, is to accept that its going to hurt. Your going to have to press her and she is going to get MAD. (I love it when they get mad. their eyes flash, and they stand up straight look you in the eye all serious and are all pert and they get pissed off when you kiss them while they are being mad, and say things like, 'Why do you always want to kiss me after you are mean to me'--so cute. )
If you try to skip past this part she will be correct in believing you are indifferant to her. unfeeling unlistening clod. (huh? I didnt hear you.. what did you say? lol) If you want to get to the blackberries, you have to ignore the thorns. for several reasons, but the one we will focus on, is to find out her complaints, and fears. You need to be able to listen to it all, with calm loving detachment. no leaning. no reassuring. That is you- IN Conflict . if something is patently untrue, spiteful meant only to hurt, you dont defend and explain you just negate. That can be done without words. remember, you dont have to respond. once you have heard it you can take the time to ponder it and decifer.
"If she asks me what I want, I'm going to say "I want to rebuild our marriage and the intimate part of our relationship with each other."
Im not sure about this. its vague. The 'intimate part'? thats not very direct or sexy (or funny). its kinda softshoe-- hat in hand 'I like ya alot Ma'am.' you have to say whats right for you though Choc. noone wants to work on a R. tell her what you want. be honest. Let her reject you. Deal with the rejection. Want it anyways. rejection is not about you. its about the OP fear. when you get rejected say what you want again. You cannot force anyone to do anything. Your wants are not hurting her. Her fears are hurting her, and the same goes for you.
If she tells me (and she is DEFINITELY going to say this) "I don't seem to be able to make you happy," I need to say "I'm perfectly happy if you just acknowledge that you want to stay in this marriage, and that you will put forth EFFORT at rebuilding our marriage and the intimate part of our relationship."
Choc this comment by her is a push. this is her saying do you love ME? why are you not happy around ME? why do you let me control your mental state. All of your reply is responding to her words, and not really hearing her. your giving her a solution. she doesnt want a solution, she wants to be heard. when you pout or are hurt, she is right about her statement. So dont do it.
you could be direct. 'Yeah, I agree. your not treating me very well. you should get to work on that' you could funny ' No you dont make me happy, but damn you do make me horny.' you could piss her off 'yeah Ive been wondering about that. I never realized how selfish you are. I mean seriously, look at how happy I make you.'
the correct answer is to be happy and have fun around her. Change her mood. She would not be there if she didnt want you. Who controls the presentation? you or the customer?
If she asks me "What do you think you know?" I'll probably say "It really doesn't matter what I know. My note to you yesterday was dead-on-target, and we both know it, so I'd rather focus on the present and what we can do to rebuild our marriage and create a better future for our kids. Only you can deal with any other 'distractions' you may have right now that would prevent you from participating fully in that, so I'll leave that to you, but I DO expect you to do that." perfect
dont try to predict so much what she is going to say. Get your head on straight, your plan in your pocket, know what you want, and dont let hell or highwater shake the determination off of your face. You dont implement boundaries with words. you do that with actions. You dont communicate with words. You talk with words. you dont feel with words. words kill feelings.
I loved the intent of your flowers. There is no perfect phrase, thinking about it comes off fake and false. Actually the perfect phrase is detached honest. and the next perfect thing is silence to let them simmer in the truth. intent and tone are what matter. What is your intent Choco? To control her or to make her feel good? To build a wall around her, or to entice her out of her walls. You cant do that from behind yours. You have to put yourself out there. Do you want her feelings to light like a match, or let her bloom in the heat of your light?
