When the accusations start flying, you must have the most ridgid unflinching impervious boundaries.
If at any point you even think of asking her why she is doing this to you, I will come over there, tie you to a chair and tape your mouth shut.
So what DO I say? My current, sleep-deprived thinking, is to keep things VERY SIMPLE, VERY REPETITIVE, so as not to allow her to overly deflect, and along the lines of:
-- If she tries to bring up my past indifference, say "I can't prevent the past. I've apologized to you for it, as you have to me, and all we can do now if focus on the PRESENT, and what we can do now to rebuild our marriage and our relationship."
-- If she tries to deny feelings for OM, just say "Well, only you know in your heart if that's true or not, and again, I want to focus on the PRESENT, and what we can do now to rebuild our marriage and our relationship. But I will tell you, that if there IS still contact with someone else, it's going to sabotage our ability to work on this, and I WILL protect my interests, and that of our family, and I will react swiftly and forcefully. You wanted total honesty -- that's total honesty."
-- If she asks me what I want, I'm going to say "I want to rebuild our marriage and the intimate part of our relationship with each other."
-- If she tells me (and she is DEFINITELY going to say this) "I don't seem to be able to make you happy," I need to say "I'm perfectly happy if you just acknowledge that you want to stay in this marriage, and that you will put forth EFFORT at rebuilding our marriage and the intimate part of our relationship."
-- If she asks me "What do you think you know?" I'll probably say "It really doesn't matter what I know. My note to you yesterday was dead-on-target, and we both know it, so I'd rather focus on the present and what we can do to rebuild our marriage and create a better future for our kids. Only you can deal with any other 'distractions' you may have right now that would prevent you from participating fully in that, so I'll leave that to you, but I DO expect you to do that."
Do these sound about right? I'm trying to strike a balance between:
a) Yes, I for one DO LOVE YOU, and am willing to work at this; and
b) But I'm not willing to live in an affection-less marriage forever, and I'm not going to tolerate anyone else interfering in our work to rebuild it, if that's what you decide you want to do.
Finally, we ARE going to talk about going to a MC, and she will scream like a demon who's had Holy Water poured on her. I must be firm here, and say "Well, I am going, and I'm telling you now that YOU need to join me, for the sake of our family. I can't force you to, however, so if you don't, I'll take that as a sign that you've made up your mind NOT to do "whatever it takes" to try and fix our marriage, and I will then have to make my own decisions accordingly.
I am going to give you some advice that you aren't going to like (and some others here as well).
As long as there is a third party involved in your relationship, you can not work on it.
You can work on you and other parts of your marriage.
You are going to receive advice from some here that you have to ignore an affair. I will tell you this, doing so will only enable it and extend its effects. Take the approach BF gave you. Deal with it directly and decisively each and every time it encroaches.
Once you have confronted your wife, then you accept no disrespect from her by her actions with other man while with you and children. She can leave to talk to him, or she can go outside, but don't tolerate her disrespect by her communication in the house.
Do not contact other man, but do contact his parents or wife/girlfriend once you have all your facts and expose the fact that this man is trying to destroy your family by having an affair with your wife. Do NOT warn your wife before you do this. She will get mad.
I have read a lot of advice on this BB regarding affairs, and I have seen some of the most outlandish suggestions of doormat behaviors imaginable from some on other forums. Any counseling that encourages you toward humiliation should be summarily rejected.
Lastly, in what your wife said to you. My interpretation was that she gave you information that indicates she is otherwise involved. Further, the texting is a dead giveaway.
You wife is having an affair. That is simply something additional for you to deal with. You knew things were headed that way anyway. Don't fret or sweat or fall apart, just deal with the facts. What ever you do, don't sit back on your ass and expect your situation to self-resolve. It won't happen. Going off the deep end emotionally won't help either, it will only prolong your pain.
If you need to discuss issues privately, you are welcome to email me. The address is in my profile.
Eat your Wheaties and get ready to rumble.
-NOPkins-
I will ferret out an affair at any opportunity.
-An affair is the embodiment of entitlement, fueled by resentment and lack of respect. -An infidel will remain unreachable so long as their sense of entitlement exceeds their ability to reason.
Choc: don't start reading into things such as her emails or what she says or does. You guys have been on a totally different playing field for YEARS.
You need to slow down or you are going to appear needy and you will end up pushing her away I think.
You have read DR, right? If not, drop everything & get it from the library or something. It really has a lot of good info and tells you how to handle yourself and different sitch's.
Now that you are at this point, we will all tell you -- IT'S NOT EASY. But you have to have patience and just love her and show her that love, but you can't over do it either. There is a delicate balance you have to keep between pulling her back and pushing her away.
You WILL feel and get desparate b/c you want everything to be ok NOW, but unfortunately it doesn't work that way. Patience, love, understanding, patience . . .
Me: 38 H: 35 S4, S5, S10 Bomb 01/07 Wanted D - nothing would change his mind Numerous A's prior to D bomb; EA prior/during D bomb Piecing 04/07 Deployed for a year 05/07 Still Piecing 2010 M 11 yrs 05/10
Lastly, in what your wife said to you. My interpretation was that she gave you information that indicates she is otherwise involved. Further, the texting is a dead giveaway.
You wife is having an affair. That is simply something additional for you to deal with. You knew things were headed that way anyway. Don't fret or sweat or fall apart, just deal with the facts. What ever you do, don't sit back on your ass and expect your situation to self-resolve. It won't happen. Going off the deep end emotionally won't help either, it will only prolong your pain.
Agreed, agreed and agreed.
Choc, one more thing - a man who calmly and decisively stands up for his family and his own integrity is Hot with a capital H. I very, very much doubt OM would have anything to offer that would even remotely rise to that level of attractiveness.
I think you're doing great, and I admire what you're doing with all my heart. Now, be that man that you've already shown you can be.
I am going to give you some advice that you aren't going to like (and some others here as well).
As long as there is a third party involved in your relationship, you can not work on it.
You can work on you and other parts of your marriage.
You are going to receive advice from some here that you have to ignore an affair. I will tell you this, doing so will only enable it and extend its effects. Take the approach BF gave you. Deal with it directly and decisively each and every time it encroaches.
Once you have confronted your wife, then you accept no disrespect from her by her actions with other man while with you and children. She can leave to talk to him, or she can go outside, but don't tolerate her disrespect by her communication in the house.
Do not contact other man, but do contact his parents or wife/girlfriend once you have all your facts and expose the fact that this man is trying to destroy your family by having an affair with your wife. Do NOT warn your wife before you do this. She will get mad.
I have read a lot of advice on this BB regarding affairs, and I have seen some of the most outlandish suggestions of doormat behaviors imaginable from some on other forums. Any counseling that encourages you toward humiliation should be summarily rejected.
Lastly, in what your wife said to you. My interpretation was that she gave you information that indicates she is otherwise involved. Further, the texting is a dead giveaway.
You wife is having an affair. That is simply something additional for you to deal with. You knew things were headed that way anyway. Don't fret or sweat or fall apart, just deal with the facts. What ever you do, don't sit back on your ass and expect your situation to self-resolve. It won't happen. Going off the deep end emotionally won't help either, it will only prolong your pain.
If you need to discuss issues privately, you are welcome to email me. The address is in my profile.
Eat your Wheaties and get ready to rumble.
-NOPkins-
This is probably one of the top 10 posts that I have read on this BB
M - 57 H - 65 1st A-bomb - Nov 27/02 2nd A-bomb - Dec 13/06 together 21 years *************************** Insanity is doing something over and over and expecting different results (Albert Einstein)
Wow - I am just bowled over. I've been waiting for you to reach this point. I know that things are difficult and scary right now but is just "going along and getting along" really less scary? You can do this.
DO NOT re-interpret Mrs. Choc's comments and emails - her meanings may not even be clear to her. I think you are getting terrific advice from Nop and BF and I do not for one moment believe that continuing non-confrontation is going to get your marriage anywhere. Ok - indulge yourself and spend fifteen minutes projecting the worst case scenario THEN realize that if that happens you will still be ok. You've watched people live out the "worst case" here and yet, they survive. Confronting Mrs. Choc, fighting for your marriage and not allowing her to continue the disprespect at least puts you in the position of not wondering if you "coulda or shoulda". I would give real $$ to have my H fight for me - in ANY way, EVER.
YAY NOP