Was on SSM, but this WAY more than just Sex . . .

[NikB]

I am willing to buckle down for the long haul, but ONLY if I know I'm being joined by a committed partner.

Are you absolutely sure that you mean this? Because it's a pretty hard stance and is not likely to help save your marriage. It sounds to me like your wife isn't as committed as you are right now, and isn't likely to BECOME that committed unless she sees some changes and finds hope that the marriage can be happy. It sounds like she's pretty much undecided right now - and pushing her for a committment will only push her away.

If you're only willing to try if she does, well, you may lose your wife and marriage when you really had a chance. Instead, why not do things that may make her WANT to recommit??

This article may be of interest:
http://www.divorcebusting.com/a_why_change.htm

Here's a quote that really jumped out at me that applies to your sitch:

I have worked with so many people who live in quiet desperation because they are utterly convinced that their way of seeing things is right and their partner's is wrong. They spend a lifetime trying to get their partners to share their views. I hear, "I'll change if s/he changes," a philosophy that ultimately leads to a stalemate.

and

When one partner changes, the other partner changes too. It's a law of relationships. If you aren't getting what you need or want from your loved one, instead of trying to convince him or her to change, why not change your approach to the situation?