An old friend asked that I stop by and check in on your sitch to see if I can offer any advice to you.
I've quickly scanned your last couple of posts in your old thread and reviewed what's been going on thus far. I see a lot of positives in your sitch, but you have to learn to be mindful of them or you're only result will be to push your W further away.
The best advice that I can give you right now is to BREATHE. That's right, step away from the keyboard and follow your breath....count 1 on inhale, 2 on exhale and so on for a few cycles.
Feel better? Okay, lets begin. First and foremost, get and read Divorce Remedy and Divorce Busting from Michelle. No, this isn't an informercial, but, in my opinion it is essential that you read these books to gain a better understanding of the advice that others are giving you here.
Seconly, understand and recongize that your sitch will not be fixed in one day, not in one week, not even likely in a month, but will take consistent, positive effot over a course of several months, maybe even years, to get on track.
Third, its not clear to me, but are you certain that your W is involved in a EA with OM? Not that it is completely relevant, but it does help to clarify exactly where things stand in your sitch. If she is involved in an EA, first and foremost recognize that the affair is NOT the problem in your marriage right now...it is a symptom, and whether or not it ends today, you relationship will still be saddled with all the baggage that preceded the affair. Do not focus on the affair as the problem.
Fourth, stop the pursuit! The sugar-coated messages, flowers, poetry, whatever, is not going to change anything right now. Begging, pleading, pouring out your heart is NOT the answer here. Typically that will drive a wedge further between you and your wife because as you pursue, she will continue to convince herself that she needs to get further away (I know, strange dynamic but very true - the tighter you grasp, the easier she'll slip away).
At this point you need to become very introspective and clearly see your role in the breakdown of this marriage. Somewhere along the line, you kids lost your way and it's best to find out where now. You do not need to tell her that you are doing this, just do it. If OM IS in the picture, try to figure out what void his presence is filling in your relationship and start to work on that. If OM isn't in the picture, then great. Keep trying to figure out what happened.
You are not going to get any action or committment out of her at this point and this is only normal. She's taken years to get to this point and in the process, she's convinced herself that things cannot get better. YOu have to subtly be the force of change in that dynamic and step up.
A common misconception that you noted in one of your earlier posts dealt with the fact that you are only willing to buckle down if you're being joined by a committed partner in fixing this. At this stage in the game, is it wise to draw that line in the sand? Don't you think that's the end game here? Why not try something for awhile and see if that can be a goal and not a beginning? Why not try to be the force of chagne in your relationship and see if your actions can bring about positive results.
Right now I have to go, but I'm going to keep an eye on your thread to see how things are going. Please post often and let us know how your are doing.
Rob
"Achieve success, but without vanity; Achieve success, but without aggression; Achieve success, but without gain; Achieve success, but without force." Lao Tzu
