That's GREAT advice, and you're not the first person to tell me that, either. Thanks. I have an easier time of it during the day, when I'm busy. At night, when the house is dark and quiet, I start to obsess.
I guess the distinction I'm looking for from my wife is between the following two things, which, to me, are VERY different:
1. "Choc., it took us a long time to allow our marriage to get like this, and it's going to take a long time -- and a lot of hard work -- to get it back. But I WANT to get it back, and I'm committed to working at it with you. Just be patient with me."
and
2> "Choc., it took us a long time to allow our marriage to get like this, and I'm not sure it can be fixed overnight. In fact, I KNOW it can't. But it's good that we're talking about this, and being honest with each other."
#2 is pretty much her response so far. There's no ACTION in that, and there's no COMMITMENT in it. I am willing to buckle down for the long haul, but ONLY if I know I'm being joined by a committed partner. I'd rather have a committed partner who HATES MY GUTS right now (and she doesn't), than a civil, even somewhat loving wife who's vague and non-committal.
