When the accusations start flying, you must have the most ridgid unflinching impervious boundaries.
If at any point you even think of asking her why she is doing this to you, I will come over there, tie you to a chair and tape your mouth shut.
So what DO I say? My current, sleep-deprived thinking, is to keep things VERY SIMPLE, VERY REPETITIVE, so as not to allow her to overly deflect, and along the lines of:
-- If she tries to bring up my past indifference, say "I can't prevent the past. I've apologized to you for it, as you have to me, and all we can do now if focus on the PRESENT, and what we can do now to rebuild our marriage and our relationship."
-- If she tries to deny feelings for OM, just say "Well, only you know in your heart if that's true or not, and again, I want to focus on the PRESENT, and what we can do now to rebuild our marriage and our relationship. But I will tell you, that if there IS still contact with someone else, it's going to sabotage our ability to work on this, and I WILL protect my interests, and that of our family, and I will react swiftly and forcefully. You wanted total honesty -- that's total honesty."
-- If she asks me what I want, I'm going to say "I want to rebuild our marriage and the intimate part of our relationship with each other."
-- If she tells me (and she is DEFINITELY going to say this) "I don't seem to be able to make you happy," I need to say "I'm perfectly happy if you just acknowledge that you want to stay in this marriage, and that you will put forth EFFORT at rebuilding our marriage and the intimate part of our relationship."
-- If she asks me "What do you think you know?" I'll probably say "It really doesn't matter what I know. My note to you yesterday was dead-on-target, and we both know it, so I'd rather focus on the present and what we can do to rebuild our marriage and create a better future for our kids. Only you can deal with any other 'distractions' you may have right now that would prevent you from participating fully in that, so I'll leave that to you, but I DO expect you to do that."
Do these sound about right? I'm trying to strike a balance between:
a) Yes, I for one DO LOVE YOU, and am willing to work at this; and
b) But I'm not willing to live in an affection-less marriage forever, and I'm not going to tolerate anyone else interfering in our work to rebuild it, if that's what you decide you want to do.
Finally, we ARE going to talk about going to a MC, and she will scream like a demon who's had Holy Water poured on her. I must be firm here, and say "Well, I am going, and I'm telling you now that YOU need to join me, for the sake of our family. I can't force you to, however, so if you don't, I'll take that as a sign that you've made up your mind NOT to do "whatever it takes" to try and fix our marriage, and I will then have to make my own decisions accordingly.
