Abby, I'll resent pics to you in their native format, but the e-mail will be bigger.
Sue, I agree it's important to also indicate when I'm NOT feeling crappy. I did this last night when we were having our serious R talk. I find when we have our most critical talks is when I'm most calm...odd...
Lisa, I like "skunk." I might just adopt that over OM!
Dienne, I'm feeling quite a bit better today. Thanks.
Well, everyone, my W and I had a big R talk last night. We talked about everything. Admittedly, I initiated it because I had a couple of questions about OM (skunk), but more importantly, I also wanted to find out WHY the A happened...and what occurred in our R to have this happen, so we could prevent it from happening again. The latter was my real goal.
It lasted several hours and it was very cordial. Nobody got pissed and we talked like friends. It was kind of wierd. I wanted to get an idea of where her head is right now, so she just was frank and told me that she's here for the kids and that if there were no kids, she would S to think about things. Well, okay, it isn't rocket science to figure that one out. Some highlights are as follows: - She sometimes feels that "love" for me. YEAH! - She feels she needs space. She had a hard time trying to explain this one to me. What it came down to was that she would like it if I was gone sometimes (even used the biz trip example), so she could have alone time. I guess I'll have to make some arrangements to get away. Here I come, Umbrella! - She sometimes feels like we can work it out and othertimes not. Duh! - She wonders "why I put up with her." Instead of answering this, I just said, "Why do you think?" She listed a few things like, "because you know I'm really a good person, that you love me, that you think we're meant to be together." I added the children, but didn't say too much. I kind of debunked her "meant to be together thing." I used to feel that way, now I'm not sure. I think that threw her off because she has always thought that I'm a sure thing. NOT! - She told me that she feels she needed space or to be separate from me. She then asked, "shouldn't I be true to myself?" Ohh...this was the most difficult question I had to answer last night. What I ended up telling her (after validating her feelings) was that the pain she feels is hers...and that it really isn't a result of external things like our M or the kids, etc. It's hers and she has to work it out. And eliminating all of the good things in her life will not relieve the pain...it will still exist. In her case this is true...although our R has deteriorated over the years, which also plays into it. I still wonder if it's an MLC with her, as she said, "I know it sounds like a cliche, but it's me not you. You are doing all you can for our R, and there's little more you can do." She just thinks she missed out a lot by never being on her own and getting M too soon. - She bluntly asked me what I thought about our situation and her and such, so I pretty much laid the cards on the table. In addition to telling her that it's her pain to deal with, I said that I thought she has selectively chosen to focus on the negative aspects of our R over the last years while forgetting about all of the good stuff. I just told her it was all a state of mind. She listened very openly and actually said that she thought the truth lay in the middle of what she thinks and what I think. Well, it's a start... - After we talked for a while and she being pretty blunt with me about her state of mind, she asked "are you okay talking about this? Does this bother or upset you?" She was really looking at me to gauge my reaction. I said, "no, actually I feel just fine," which I did. I actually felt pretty damn good that we were being so open with one another...as I think it helps build intimacy. Also, by me NOT reacting to anything she says I believe it makes it more safe for her to tell me things. - I asked "why the A." Her response was that it brought up certain feelings that she hadn't had in a long time, was exciting because she was with someone new, etc. Not too much here. I asked how she felt after cheating the first time...did she cry. She said she felt empty, that she was fully cognizant that what she was doing was wrong, but did it anyway. She said the "act" itself was fun, but not much else. Not sure whether to believe that last statement because why would she stay in contact (telephone) with the guy several months after "calling it off?" I even asked her this and her response was that she was just used to talking to him. Whatever! It's got EA all over it... - I asked if she's ever tempted to call OM. She said, yes at first, then later clarified that all of that stuff's fading. GOOD! - Found out that she doesn't really talk about our R because she thinks I don't want to talk about it! I told her I haven't been talking about it for the same reason. This was kind of an interesting realization. She did say, however, that it's uncomfortable for her to talk about the A, but that she's fine about talking about our R.
So, those were the core parts of our conversation last night. It was nice because she was in a place where she could both express herself well and accept what I had to say. As expected, she's acting a bit funky this morning, as I just got a voicemail from her. Oh, well, I'm not going to get caught in her mood. I'm feeling pretty good. BTW, I asked what she was thinking the other day when she put her hands on my face and had tears in her eyes. I was right: guilt.
