Well, my W ended up going to church with me yesterday. When I posted my rant, she called me from my sister's and didn't sound too motivated. During the phone call she asked if I was doing okay. Don't know if she could sense something in my tone of voice, but I did my damndest to try and avoid answering her. At the same moment she asked this, her friend came by (also attended party at my sister's) to pick up her boy whom spent the night. I simply said I needed to go and answer the door, but she wouldn't let it go and kept asking. She actually said, "but you were fine yesterday!" in an annoyed tone. This bugged because I'm just trying to save her from reliving her guilt all of the time and she gets pissed at me! I said I didn't want to talk about it, said bye and hung up.

She called back ten minutes later with friend here and asked what time the service was. I told her and she met me there.

Well, I've always said that whenever I go to church, there's a message for me. I'll tell you what, there was a very loud message yesterday. What was it, you ask? The topic was about "forgiveness." One of the two examples given for forgiveness was what, you ask? Infidelity. The pastor read some scripture from John that talked about stoning a woman for committing adultery. Basically, Christ said something like, "he who has never sinned can cast the first stone." Well, naturally, nobody stoned the woman. My W said to me, "it seemed like that message was meant just for us." I can't help thinking there was some divine intervention here...

So, I'm pretty quiet during service, not being Mr. Happy Jethro. When we get home, my W wants to know what's going on. So here's the quick conversation:

J: "I want to say something, but I don't want to get into it or anything. I don't think you are fully cognizant of the damage you have done to our R. I would appreciate you not getting frustrated with me on the phone (like she did in the morning), and be more understanding of how I might be feeling. The healing process has begun, but it's going to take a LONG time for me to heal. But this is my pain and not yours, and is something I have to deal with."
W: "I'm sorry to put you through all of this."

That was it. I didn't want to discuss it, I was very calm and such. She got up while I sat in the chair just trying to get my head straight. I was in such a bad place yesterday. I decided I needed to get on with the day, so I hopped up and went upstairs to change to do some chores. I went downstairs and got the vacuum out (trying to engage my W's "acts of service" love language).

W: "Are you going to vacuum?" (duh!)
J: "Yes."

She stood there staring, her eyes penetrating mine. She put her hands on my cheeks and tears welled up in her eyes. I said, "what?" She said nothing and hugged me for a couple of minutes. I spanked her butt and said, "I'll be alright," and I turned on the vacuum and she went for a run.

So, I don't know. She probably teared up because of her guilt and nothing much else. Given our patterns in the past few weeks I can expect her to be distant from me tonight. She always is after I "unload." We'll see how long this stint lasts. It's like she want to know that I'm okay and anytime I show anything differently, it sends her into a funk. I really don't want her gauging herself based on my pain, but I have no control over that, do I?

So, after that brief discussion, the rest of the day we were kind of distant with one another. I wanted both to smother her with hugs and love, but I was repelled at the same time. It's such an awful feeling. We snuggled a lot in bed throughout the night. I haven't talked to her today yet...so we'll see...

jethro