Thanks for popping in LL and Abby. Well, this post is going to be a rant, so beware.

Why should I stay with this woman? I know, the kids, right? Yeah, well, I start thinking of the entire year that we had that is completely and totally tarnished by her infidelity. I start thinking about last Christmas and how that month was the first month of her infidelity. I start thinking about our snow boarding trip and how she was having an A then. I go on to our 10 year anniversary in April where we went away for a couple of days, and what a lie that was. I think of what we shared all through the last year and what complete lies they are. How many lies were there? Who knows, but too many to count. How many times was she completely disengenuous with me when we were together? Too many.

Everything has been tarnished. I literally get a picture in my head of her throwing our wedding rings in a small hole dug in the dirt, her squatting down and pissing on them. Isn't that nice? She pissed on our M too long and I'm tired of it. I don't really know if I can let things go. For the entire Year of Belligerence (I like to call it) I was completely dedicated to working on our M and our family...while she was banging some guy she met at a f$#%in' bar! Oh, she's sorry now. Oh, if she could change what she did she would. Great, what's done is done, Sweetcakes, and nothing is going to change the damage you did to US!

I start going down the path of forgiveness, and I know it will be better in a month, even more so in a year, and yet even more in five years. But, will it ever be right? The pain will always exist. The A will have always have been. The thoughts will always be in my mind...although they will dimish more over time. I don't feel like she deserves the new jethro. I feel like I want to find someone that has the same values that I have.

I know this isn't healthy. I know I'm ranting. I know I might feel better in two hours, but I've felt this way since last night. I won't tell her these things, as I know it only hurts the situation. I also know that it's MY pain that I have to deal with...a pain SHE decided to inflict!

I have not seen her since yesterday morning because I took my kids to see my sister and she went to a girl's night at my sister's last night. We're supposed to go to church together this morning, but frankly, I don't really feel like seeing her. I don't really feel like being nice to her. I'm tired of having to be Mr. Nice Guy. I want to rage at her! I know, know...it does no good for me and it does no good for her.

I don't know if I can do this guys...I just don't. And please, don't send the URL on "Forgiveness is a Gift We Give Ourselves." I'm tired, in a lot of pain, and extremely sad. THANK GOD I have you guys!

So now, I have to buck up and act likes nothing's bothering me. "Oh, so nice to see you W. Did you have a great time?" Good!"



jethro

Ohhh...just got a call from my W. She just woke up and won't be joining us at church. Good. I'm glad partying and drinking were more of a priority.