Some days I feel like I'm in a daze. When I was a competitive athlete I was given a great book by my coach, Mental Toughness Training for Sports, by Dr. James Loehr. The biggest lesson I took away from that book was to always look for the humor, the bright side in any situation. For example, in my sports, (MMA, kickboxing, submission wrestling/grappling), I might find myself in a bad situation, one of the things I would love to do was lock eyes with a spectator and yell to them, "call an ambulance for me" or something to that effect. Most of the time my competitor would laugh as well.
In my mind I was simply acknowledging that yes, this sucks, but it could be worse, at least I can still joke around. That doesn't mean I wasn't serious, or fiercely competitive. Just I wasn't going to take this momentarily bad position too serious.
So yeah, what's the point?
I don't know. I'm just trying to keep my head up here. I'm bleeding everywhere, my head hurts bad and I think if I just close my eyes, it will all go away. I could probably live with knowing I quit, gave up. Maybe. I don't know. I've lost before, who plays any sport and never loses? So I know I can lose and 99% of the time the loss just makes me work harder for the next challenge.
Last night went okay. W was okay, but I can tell she is on edge, what edge that might be I couldn't say. She seems to bounce between rage and breaking. If that makes sense. Is that the hormonal upheaval happening right now or everything else or a combination? Man, I don't know. I feel bad for her though. She is clearly in a lot of turmoil. She wants to leave but there is a lot at stake, and the reality is, financially we will be sunk at this point if this happens. Additionally, the issues surrounding the kids and everything else make this about more than two adults that can't find a way so part ways.
This morning I gave her a hug and kiss good morning. We were in our room, getting ready for the day. As I was hugging her, I jokingly picked her up and started to walk towards the bed. She said, "we can't". I thought, I know that, the youngest Ds have to be out the door in 20 minutes and the oldest 2 leave about 15 minutes after that. Not to mention that I have to leave like 10 minutes ago. I said I know and put her down. She walks to the bedroom door and stops, looking at the ground and shaking her head. I keep getting dressed and she says, "I, we just can't, it's complicated".
In the past I would have pursued this. What does that mean? What is complicated? Today I did a lot better. I just said, yup and kept getting dressed. She went downstairs to help the kids and I finished getting ready for work. She was cooking breakfast, asked if I wanted a plate to take with me for the drive. Any effort from her I receive so I accepted the plate. Here is where I messed up to some degree. Not that it led into anything but I did something out of habit, almost 20 years worth of habit. I asked her what she was thinking about. Now, this is something I just do. If I see a friend or family member looking like something is on their mind, I'll ask them what they are thinking, and let them know they can talk with me when/if they feel like it.
I'm learning that although this is something I think let's people know I care, sometimes people just need to be still. Allowing someone to just BE, without it being an issue shows that you care just as much.
Back to the close call. I ask stupidly, 'what are you thinking about?' Fortunately she says, "nothing". See, I already realized as soon as the words were starting to come out, that I didn't want to go there. This could possibly be a tempature check/R talk situation. NO THANKS. I start to turn away with my food and she says, "what are you thinking?". I was caught flat footed, she hasn't asked me anything like that in a year or more. She could care less what I'm thinking or how my day has gone or anything of that nature. Shoot, she can't even say, God Bless You when I sneeze. Everybody else sneezes she is passing out God Bless Yous like she is the Pope. I sneeze and she becomes an atheist. Now, I'm caught flat footed and I could seriously kick myself in the butt for what came next, stupid, stupid, stupid.
I say, pathetically, "I wish I knew what you were thinking?"
Was that honest? Sure. I get paid in a few days. School is out in 2 weeks. I need to do one of two things this pay period; 1) buy a 2nd vehicle, my car is kaput or, 2) put a security deposit down on an apartmtent. Either way, I can't do both. Her deadline is/was, when the kids get out of school, we need to separate.
I know I shouldn't have gone there. Why pursue? Why ask a question when I don't really want to hear the answer?
Fortunately, before she could answer, (and I could see her gearing up to answer), I man'd the f up and said, 'gotta run, see ya'. Quick hug and peck and I was off like a prom dress.
She called a bit later as I was driving to give me a number for the owner of a car we looked at. Again I bit my tongue, I really wanted to say, "look, I need to know what the heck is going on. I only have so much coming in right now, and I have to choose between a car purchase or a security deposit.., what's it going to be?"
Instead, I told her I was still driving, couldn't write at the moment so call back and leave the number on VM.
So there you have it. "It's a lot to think about" and "...it's complicated".
Thank God for this forum and the contacts I've made through here. I made the mistake of talking to my brother a few days ago. He asked how things were going and I made the mistake of opening up. Not that he is bad, it's just more of the sympathetic shoulder mentioned in DR. Friends just want to see you out of the pain. I said to him almost exactly what she said to me. Bro asked me, "what are you going to do?" I said, 'I don't know, I want to stay, I want to make it work but it's complicated'. Bro says, "no it's not, screw that, its real simple. Here is your check, its 50% of my paycheck, carry on. Then log on to adult friend finder and start having some fun".
Jesus help me. Did I mention he is a former jarhead.
