Thanks for coming by Owen, J-Ro, LL, and KAW. Some ramblings follow...bare with me...
Well, yesterday sucked! I didn't fall down on my DBing, but my W was in full-fledged alien mode. Ugh! It's so disheartening sometimes. When I get home from work, she's distant. She was upstairs putting makeup on my D and the neighbor girl (it was cute). I could just tell she was in the alien zone, so I greeted her, then pretty much left to go jam on the guitar for a bit.
I finish up on the guitar and the girls go downstairs with my S and the neighbor boy and watch Star Wars. I go into our bedroom and my W is getting ready to take a shower. She just has this pained look on her face. And you know what, I was feeling crummy myself, but I was still able to act like everything was okay...at least kind of. Anyway, I ask what's wrong and she keeps talking about stress. She's feeling stress. Then she asks me how I am and I say fine. I get one of those, "are you BSing me looks," but she didn't say anything. I don't think I was entirely too convincing.
Anyway, she gets in the shower and we're talking. She goes on to say that she misses going and singing...that it's an outlet. Well, there are pretty much two bars in the area she can go...one of which is where OM frequents. She typically goes with my younger sister, but she's helping my older sister recover from surgery. So, basically, my W has nobody to go with. So, she's moping about this and saying she misses getting out with the girls, etc. When the bomb dropped, my W told me that she would NOT go out nearly as much. Maybe a once a month girl's night, and never to the bar where the OM frequents.
She's in full alien mode and I'm trying to figure out what she's really telling me, or what the source of her discomfort is. It's like she's not even comfortable in her own skin. Is she missing OM? Is she feeling pressure? Is it truely that she wants to sing (doubt it)? So, I kind of go down the assumption path of thinking that she's feeling terribly guilty and needs something to distract her from the pain...albeit temporarily. I don't know if my assessment was correct, but I decided to go with it, as I could feel more sympathy for her this way.
Well, last night we were supposed to feed the kids first, then have a cozy dinner with the just the two of us. This has been something I've requested in the past, and she brought it up the other day to do it Thursday. Well, she didn't seem to be in a mood to have one-on-one, so I said, let's just all eat together. After dinner I did dishes and took the kids on a walk to give her space. She went upstairs to try and meditate. We get home and D is crying because she's just tired, it distracts W from meditating, she comes out of the cave and helps get the kids ready for (and in) bed.
We watch Friends (which I don't really care for very much anymore), and the show ends with one of the characters cheating on their S. Nice reminder and she says nothing. W gets on the phone and goes outside for some smokes and I go upstairs on the computer. I just wanted to give her space... An hour later we're both downstairs and are talking about this and that...nothing serious. Then she tells me that my mom has left her job (sister told her on the phone).
J: "Jeez...seems like there's been a lot of bad news lately." W: "I have some good news." J: "What's that?" (my first thought was that her STD tests came back negative ) W: "That you're making postive changes for yourself."
So, what does this mean? I'm assuming she noticed my efforts the last couple of days. I feel so much like the onus is on me to improve myself, then she'll come around. I don't want this kind of pressure. I want to be "me" sometimes, and not just DBing all of the time. I'm tired. I'm tired of being on my toes every time I have a conversation with her. I'm tired of acting like Mr. Upbeat all of the time. I want her to want me for who I am...now...not what I might become... I want a normal life...to come home to a W that loves me and kids that give me big hugs. I want talks of the future, planning vacations, what we're going to do when we retire, how we're going to remodel the house in a few years...
I'm tired...
This morning in bed, I woke up before the alarm went off. I lay there for a few minutes thinking, rustled a bit. She moved closer to me, rested her leg against mine then took my hand. It was so nice... I try not to think too much of these things because she's done this in the past. When I've asked her about it (given our sitch), she just says she does it because she feels "comfortable" with me.
Nice reminder and she says nothing. W gets on the phone and goes outside for some smokes and I go upstairs on the computer. I just wanted to give her space... An hour later we're both downstairs and are talking about this and that...nothing serious. Then she tells me that my mom has left her job (sister told her on the phone). 
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