I’m surprised to see such black and white, tunnel vision, victim-like thinking out of the both of you. The correct answer to both of you is this:
Your ex was dysfunctional going into the M, as you were. S/he did not have the knowledge then that s/he does now, or the more complete knowledge that each of you have. Both of you have been learning, evolving, growing. I don’t know how much of that is true for your ex. But that does not mean your ex cannot get to the same level of growth that you are at now.
None of this has anything to do with whether you are a good spouse or not. In fact, just try to define “good spouse.” The “correct” answer will depend on who you ask. As you grow and learn, it can be easily argued that you may become a worse spouse to someone, because you learn to better differentiate, hold to boundaries, etc. Do those things make you a better spouse? Maybe. Maybe not. It depends on the chemistry with the other person.
So what is your point in beating yourselves up, and also justifying that your ex was not capable enough or intuitive enough or intelligent enough. At one time your ex was more than sufficient for you in all those categories. But you grew. S/he did not. That doesn’t mean s/he can’t grow now or in the future.
So the question becomes why were you able to grow and s/he could not? Because we each have different FOOs and different levels of damage around which we have each built different strengths of defenses. I think your ex has had an even more damaged FOO that you think, and that damage has limited his/her ability to adapt to a growing relationship. There is more involved in taking down those stronger defense systems that your ex has had to build over the years. That means there will be a difference in the pace of growth between you and your ex, and the rate in which you and s/he can learn more functional relationship patterns. It does NOT mean your ex is less intelligent, intuitive or capable. That is black and white, victim-think.
Until you truly understand this, you cannot gain true empathy and compassion, you will be stuck in resentment (which is seething out of the both of you) and your ultimate growth and happiness will be elusive.
